All's Fair in Love and Inter-Dimensional War
by WriKai
Summary: Kylie's gone, in more ways than one. It's a fight for freedom, love, and family; one that everyone is fighting but nobody is really winning. Can the damage caused by the Rifts be healed?
1. She's Gone

"What did you do?!" Asmodeus screeched, turning on Castiel. "Where did she go?!"

Kylie was gone. She'd disappeared with a smile on her face, in a flash of golden light. Castiel wished he could've gone with her. He wished that he was there with her right now.

But as Castiel reached into his pocket, he felt the only piece of information he needed to know. She was alive. Wherever she was, she had made it safely. Wherever she was, it had to be better than here. Wherever she was, she was safe. That was enough.

"WHERE IS SHE?!" Asmodeus screamed. Castiel smiled at the Prince.

"I don't know." He answered honestly. He was still smiling. "I have absolutely no idea."

"What was she talking about, with the Rifts?!"

"I don't know." Castiel answered again. "I presume she meant what he said." Asmodeus looked at him, absolutely infuriated.

"KETCH!" He shouted. "YOUR WEAPON, MY BOY!" Ketch handed him the pistol after a moment, and Asmodeus levelled it at Castiel's head. "TELL ME, OR I'LL KILL YOU." His hand was steady. His voice was filled with fury. Castiel didn't care. Kylie was gone. Kylie was safe.

She was safe. That was all that mattered.

"I don't know." Castiel repeated. He was still smiling. "And I hope I never do. I hope she stays safe from you for the rest of her life." The middle sentence was a lie. Castiel wished he knew where she was more badly than Asmodeus did. But if Castiel knew, then one way or another Asmodeus would make him talk. So as long as Castiel didn't know, Asmodeus would never know.

That was enough for the angel.

"Sir," Ketch tried politely. "If I may interject, it may not be the wisest choice to shoot the angel at this moment."

"Give me one good reason why not to." Asmodeus challenged, cocking the pistol. Castiel could feel the angel-killing bullets within. If Asmodeus fired off a shot to Castiel's head, Cas would be dead. He was alright with that.

The Empty hadn't been that bad, after all.

"She loves him." Ketch said. "Like you thought before, he holds high value to the Winchesters. His value is increased exponentially to the girl. She will come back for him. It's just a matter of when." Castiel kept his expression neutral. Kylie couldn't come back. She had to stay away. She had to stay safe. "If you kill him, we lose our leverage." Asmodeus left his hand up for perhaps a moment longer before lowering the weapon. He swore bitterly.

"Put him and Lucifer both in new cells." Ketch ordered. "The ones we've been working on. If that bitch comes back, we'll have her."

Demons dragged Castiel away to a new cell. The wardings on it were impressive. The ones on the cell next to him were even better. The walls between him and the other were stone.

It was better that way, considering Lucifer was put next to him.

Castiel couldn't care less. Kylie was gone. Kylie was safe. That was all that mattered to him.

She was safe, for the time being.

She was alive.

Castiel just didn't know where in this world - or any others - she could be.


	2. Who Are You?

I woke up to cool water on my face. It wasn't splashed on me, rather rubbed nicely. I groaned. Everything hurt. I felt like I'd been spit out by something… Something with a lot of sharp parts that tears you apart.

It was a mix of sharp, insistent pains mixed in with dull, throbbing pains. Both were present everywhere on myself. Both made me not want to move, much less open my eyes. But I had to. I had to know where I was. At least the water was soothing.

"You awake?" A gruff voice asked. I opened my eyes extremely slowly. There was a man sitting next to me. I was in a room I didn't recognize. The man looked older, and had some scruff on him. He wore layers and a dirt-stained scarf. He sat in an old and dusty chair.

I had no idea who he was. Hell, I had no idea where I even was, much less how I'd gotten here.

"Who are you?" I asked. My voice startled me. It didn't sound right. It sounded… Harsh and gravelly, like it had been torn up from the inside out like the rest of me felt.

"You don't know?" He asked. I shook my head slowly. Movement seemed to make the pain worse. "We've met before."

"We have?" My eyes flitted around the room again. "I've been here before?"

"Not this room, no. But this world… Yeah." He looked extremely concerned. "Don't you remember?"

"I…" I searched for memories in my brain, and only saw one- the image of a bright golden light was seared in to my skull. "I don't remember anything."

"Do you know your name?" Name. Name? I have a name? I understood the concept of the word, but the idea of possessing one… I didn't know.

"No." I answered.

"Do you know how you got here?" I felt as though the light I remembered had something to do with it, but I didn't know.

"No."

"Do you remember who or what attacked you, then?" Attacked? I'd been attacked? The confusion on my face must've spelled it out to the man. "Wait a moment." He walked out of the room only to return a few moments later with a large piece of broken glass. It was reflective. It was a… a… a mirror, that was the word. A broken piece of a mirror. He held it up for me to look at myself, and what I saw terrified me.

I had long, deep scratches all over my face and body mixed in with multiple large patches of… Burn marks. They were burn marks, I was certain. Bad ones, at that. Ugly ones. My hair was short, that didn't feel right. And a line of it was missing going to the back of my head. I could see thread weaving it's way down a particular line, holding two pieces of skin together. Stiches. They were stitches. A lot of me was in stitches. I was thin. I was bony, for God's sake. There were multiple other injuries and scars across my body, but they were older. They had had time to heal.

"Do you know who I am?" I asked the man instead. He nodded slowly. "What's my name, then?"

"Kylie." The name felt… Familiar, I guess. It didn't feel as wrong as the A.K. idea had, but at the same time it didn't just out at me like "oh my gosh this absolutely has to be my name." It didn't feel wrong, it just felt like another word.

"OK." I said.

"Does it ring any bells?" "Not really."

"If it helps, your last name is Dillinger." That felt just like a longer string of words. I didn't feel any attachment to them, they just didn't feel wrong.

"OK."

"Not doing anything for you there either, am I?"

"No. I'm sorry." I admitted. "What about you? What's your name?"

"I'm Bobby Singer."

"And you said we'd met before?"

"Twice technically, for me. Only once for you though."

"Huh?"

"It's a long story." He looked pensive as he spoke; conflicted about something. "Here, drink." He handed me a plastic bottle of water. It was worn and creased in random spots, but it didn't leak. I drank from it slowly. The liquid both eased and inflamed my throat at the same time, but it was worth it. I needed it.

"Thank you." I drank the bottle dry. I really had needed it. It still made my throat feel a mixture of better and worse, but the better was worth it. "Where are we?"

"My home."

"Home?"

"Are you asking for a definition of the word or are you curious as to why we're here?" It was a valid question. Both were viable requests.

"Both." I decided. I understood the concept of the word home, but at the same time I had obvious problems with remembering. I wanted to make sure I was thinking of the right thing.

"A home is a place a person lives." Bobby said. "It's where they feel comfortable and some level of safe." My definition had been different. A home was four walls and a roof, in my definition. This home looked like multiple walls and a strange roof.

"Oh."

"You're here because four days ago I found you buried in the dirt a couple hundred yards out from here." Bobby continued. "I drug you back here to see if you were still breathing. You were in even worse shape then."

"I was a different shape?" Shapes. Squares. Rectangles. Ovals. Circles. Triangles. A house was a shape made up of other shapes. Bobby laughed a little, his voice… Happy and sad at the same time. There was a word for that, I knew it. I could feel it.

"No. You were almost dead."

"Oh." That word again. It was an easy one to say. "Why am I not?"

"Because I stitched you up all nice and pretty-like." Bobby stated proudly. "We're going to want to keep an eye on that noggin of yours, though. It didn't go through your skull, but the gouge definitely hit it. You're lucky all it did was that."

"Noggin?"

"Your head."

"Oh." I raised a sore arm tentatively to feel along where I remembered seeing the patch of bared skin. It hurt to touch, but nonetheless I moved my fingers down the line.

"It's probably the reason for your amnesia." He amended his sentence quickly after my confused look. "Your inability to remember things. Don't worry, it'll probably go away as time goes by." The answer didn't feel quite right to me, but I didn't say that. I could easily be wrong. I apparently had amnesia. The word "probably" was what worried me.

"What if it doesn't?" I asked, bringing my hand down. As I did I caught sight of a metal band on my finger. It was nice. It was pretty. It felt… Important. Very important.

"Then we'll figure it out later. But right now, I'll take you; amnesiac or not." That sentence felt familiar, extremely so. I couldn't place why, though. I had so many questions.

"Thank you." I said. "Can you tell me anything about… me?"

"I don't know a lot about you." He admitted.

"You said you knew me, though. You met me twice, but I only met you once?"

"Yeah."

"How is that possible?"

"Like I said, it's a long story. I don't think you need all the details to it."

"What if they bring back my memories?"

"And what if they don't? Your name wasn't familiar to you. How do you know that whatever I tell you won't click either?"

"I… I don't." I said. He had a point. He didn't know a lot to begin with, but if he started telling me things and they didn't bring back memories… It would hurt. It would be like hearing a stranger's life. And what if the person he knew was a bad person? What if I didn't like what I heard?

"Was I a good person?" I asked. I had to at least know that one.

"I think so." He replied. "You did amazing things. You looked kind." That was a good start. I wondered what I had done, but I figured that asking would get me no answers. Hopefully I would remember it on my own.

"Was that the first or the second time you met me?"

"Second."

"So that was when I met you."

"Yes."

"Can you tell me about the first?"

"It's extremely complicated, Kylie."

"I need to know something." I argued. "I can't just sit here and do nothing." Bobby let out a rueful smile at those words.

"Yeah, that would be you." He muttered. "I'll tell you what. Give it a few days, see if your memory comes back on its own. We'll talk after that."

"OK."

"I'm gonna get you something to eat. Food will probably do you good."

"OK."

"You OK in there?" He asked, standing. "I know this is probably a lot to process, especially without anything else in your head."

"I think I'm OK. I don't know." I shrugged a little, and winced at the pain. "I don't know how it feels to be OK in comparison to this, yet." Bobby just smiled that same smile again, and walked out. I could've sworn I heard him mutter something about me being the same girl, no matter something. I couldn't make out the last part.

He came back with what looked like a tan rock after a bit of time. "Hard tack." He explained. "It's good for you." He also had a bottle of water again.

I laid there on his… whatever this shape was. I stayed there, eating the hard tack and drinking the water while Bobby watched. I didn't mind, though. I was too busy thinking. My name was Kylie. I had a last name, whatever that was. It was Dillinger. I was injured. I had been attacked.

Bobby had asked if I knew how I got here. He'd brought me to this house, granted, but at the same time I felt as though that wasn't the here he was talking about. What here did he mean? And if he was talking about a different one, how did I arrive in that here? What did the gold light have to do with this? What attacked me? How did I survive?

"Bobby?"

"Yeah kid?"

"How did you find me?"

"I told you, you were a couple hundred yards out from here."

"That is where I was." I stated. "That is not how you found me. You said I was buried in the dirt. How did you know to look for me out there?" Bobby let out a sigh.

"Always a sharp one." He muttered. "Eat. I'll explain it to you once you're more rested up."

"OK." That was the best I was going to get, I felt.

So I ate the hard tack (which was just a little softer than what the word hard made me think), drank the water, and let the questions form in my head.


	3. The Harvelles

Days and weeks passed. Bobby helped me get back on my feet. My leg had been pretty badly injured, but nothing had been broken thankfully. I figured out walking. I learned the layout of the house. I gained a better conceptual understanding of the world around me and words associated with it. We were in a… a community. Many people lived in this community. They were refugees. Men. Women. Children. They were hiding from angels. It made me wonder if I was too.

I didn't learn anything about myself. I mulled over my name quietly. "My name is Kylie Dillinger. My name is Kylie Dillinger. I am Kylie Dillinger." I would repeat those words over and over again to myself until they felt weird in my mouth. They didn't feel like mine. They didn't feel right. I believed Bobby, I believed him completely, but that didn't make it any easier to accept the name as my own. What sort of identity was supposed to go with that name? Bobby had told me I was a good person, but… That's not what I was looking for. What did Kylie Dillinger like to eat? What did she do every day? Why does she have short hair? Why would she pick such a deadly fight? What kind of life did Kylie Dillinger live?

The easiest answer came from Bobby. "Whatever life you want." But that wasn't the answer I was looking for. I wanted to know what I had done, who I had been, what my history was. I wanted to know how I responded to things before. I wanted to know me.

But me was whatever I wanted me to be. That's all Bobby would tell me. He wanted to give me a chance at remembering on my own. "I don't want to alter the truth to you." He said. I didn't understand what that meant. He didn't explain it.

So I cleaned the house while he went out and did whatever he did outside of the house. He usually was only gone for a few hours, but he told me that this time he would be gone for a few days. He didn't necessarily say I wasn't supposed to leave, but the idea was implied. I wasn't so certain about going on my own anyways. I didn't know this place. I didn't know anything. I didn't even have a weapon, much less know how to use one! I'd probably die.

In all honesty, I'd come to depend on Bobby. This experience would be a terrifying one on my own. Having someone to help made it easier, I believed. Easier to learn. Easier to heal. Easier to be a person.

But I wasn't certain if I was being me or not.

"My name is Kylie Dillinger." I whispered again. Bobby had already been gone for about three days. I was beating out the sand and dirt from a blanket, and re-organizing the food and water stores. "My name is Kylie Dillinger." I wanted to feel something with those words, but all I felt was the need to cough. "I am Kylie Dillinger." A name, but it meant nothing. An identity that had yet to be filled in.

As I re-organized, I came across… I wasn't certain what it was. A box, definitely. But a flat box. It held something. It was a… a… a frame.

It was face-down on the floor to the store room. I hadn't seen it there before. I picked it up cautiously, unsure of what it would hold. A picture, more than likely. I understood the concept of those. Bobby had had some in books and explained it to me. But this one…

I couldn't help it. I flipped it over, and let out a gasp.

It was… It was me. Me and Bobby and someone else. I had longer hair, then. I was younger too. I was just… Just different.

I looked happy.

I was in a… a dress, holding hands with the third person I didn't know. The picture was an old and faded square in itself, with a large white rectangle at the bottom. It was small, but I could see that we all looked happy. The other person, the one I didn't know… They were male. They were looking at me with happiness. He had hair a little shorter than what mine is now, and it was black. His skin was tanned. His face was full of delight.

He looked like he knew me.

Bobby was in the picture too. Bobby would know. Bobby would know, and he would tell me.

"Kylie?" Speak of the man. I brought the picture with me, walking towards the front door. I could hear Bobby speaking in low voices with someone else, but as to who I wasn't certain.

"You're not serious." A new male voice.

"I am." Bobby.

"There's no way it's her." A female voice.

"It is." Bobby again.

"Then what's wrong with her?" A second female voice.

"It's hard to explain."

"How is it hard to explain?" I came around the corner at that point, holding the frame by my side. The conversation between Bobby and the other people stopped then. There was another man, and two women. One woman was quite obviously older than the other. She looked close to Bobby's age. Her hair was longer than mine, but not by much. She looked kind. The younger woman was a little shorter that the elder one, though not by much. Her hair was shorter too, and a little more wavy. She was skinny, and I could see something forming in her eyes. The new man was just a little taller than Bobby. He was built very much so like a solid block, and his eyes reminded me of the hardness of the walls around us. He still looked shocked, though.

Then again, they all looked shocked.

"Hello." I said quietly. Bobby pressed his lips together, looking between the two of us.

"Kylie, these are some good friends of mine." He said slowly. "This man here is William Harvelle." The man in question nodded shortly.

"Call me Bill." He said. Like how Bobby's name was Robert. I could remember Bill.

"This is his wife, Ellen." The older woman raised a hand.

"Hi, sweetheart."

"And this young lady here," Bobby didn't get to finish his sentence. The younger woman ran towards me. I raised my hands automatically, afraid by this encounter. The woman wrapped her arms around my waist, constricting me slightly.

"It's so good to see you." She muttered, increasing the squeeze slightly. I looked over her shoulder at Bobby in concern, uncertain as to what to do. He motioned for me to mimic her actions. My response was too late, however. The woman pulled away quickly, wiping something from under her eyes. "Sorry. I… You probably have no idea who I am. I'm Jo. Jo Harvelle."

"Your name is Jo Harvelle." I repeated. As I spoke, she took a few slow steps back. "That's Bill, and that's Ellen." I pointed at the two people in question as I said their names. "You're all good friends of Bobby." Repeating the information was a good trick Bobby had taught me. It helped me make sure I remembered it; made sure the information was solidified in my mind. I didn't want to forget anything new. "It is," what was the phrase I had read? Bobby had given me a book about a boy named Dick, a girl named Jane, and their dog Spot. It had looked old and worn, but it was still readable. I understood the idea of reading, which was nice. But there was a phrase in there that it had said… "It is nice to meet you." That was it. That was the phrase. It is nice to meet you.

"What do you have in your hand, Kylie?" Bobby asked. I remembered the picture. It was still held by my side. I had to ask, now. I held it up to show them.

"I… I found this. It was in the storage room." I explained. "I… I'm in the picture. She looks like me." Ellen's breath caught a little as she looked at the picture. Jo took more steps back towards her family and looked away. Bill kept looking on, but he looked sadder. "What? What's wrong?" I asked. "Is this a bad picture?"

"No," Bobby assured me. "Just an old one."

"Why am I in it?"

"You're not ready to know that yet."

"Bobby, she deserves to know!" Jo argued. "Please. I want my best friend back." Best friend? I understood the two words on their own, but put together… They seemed confusing. How is one friend better than another?

"Jo, quiet." Ellen ordered.

"But what if it's her?" Jo asked, looking back at me. "Look at her! Tell me that doesn't sound like her. Tell me that doesn't look like her."

"Joanna Beth, listen to your mother." Bill said the words firmly. "There are things you don't know."

"There are things that she deserves to know!" Jo… Joanna… Jo said as she pointed at me. Her voice was getting louder. It was scaring me. Obviously showing them this picture was wrong. I upset them. They're good friends of Bobby, and I upset them.

"I should put this back where I found it." I stated, my eyes flickering to Bobby for help. "I'm sorry."

"I think a few things need to be explained." Bobby said quickly. "Kylie, why don't you go back to the store room for a moment." I still looked on with fear. What about this picture had caused such a response? "I'll come for you in a minute. It'll be fine." His voice was rough, like normal, but also weirdly softer. It made me feel better. I offered him a small nod before heading back to the store room.

That didn't stop me from hearing their conversation through the walls, though.

"That… She looks just like…" Jo sounded very upset. "I'm sorry. I just saw her and I thought it was her again. I forgot for a moment."

"It's alright, Jo." Ellen assured her. "We all wanted it to be her when we saw her."

"Is it her? Is it Kylie?" Jo asked. There was silence for a moment. It felt… heavy.

"What aren't you telling us, Bobby?" Bill asked.

"I don't know if she's the same Kylie. I don't think she is, but I can't tell for certain." Bobby admitted.

"How is it not the same her?" Ellen asked. "I gotta side with Jo on this one. Besides the obvious amnesia and the new haircut, it looks just like her. What other options are there?"

"Look, there's something you guys don't know." Bobby said. "There's… There's another universe."

"What?" Bill asked.

"I know, I know. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes." Bobby stated. "But it exists. I've seen people come through a portal of sorts, all gold and shimmery-like." Gold. I remembered gold. Had I seen this portal?

What was another universe?

"Look, to make a long story short I met another Kylie. It was about six months back."

"How in the hell could you keep this from us, Bobby?" Ellen sounded angry. "She was just as much a part of our family as she was yours."

"Because she's not the same Kylie. Not in the other world." Bobby said. Other world, other universe. Was this other universe like where I was now? "That other place is different. It's better than here, though." He almost sounded wistful.

"We'll come back to that later, Bobby." Bill said. "What do you mean that she's not the same Kylie?"

"The other her was… She was a witch." I didn't know what that was. It sounded bad. "She could do magic. She could cast spells. She used it here to close that portal and try to trap Lucifer on this side."

"Lucifer is dead." Ellen pointed out. "Michael killed him."

"Not in the other universe."

"So why didn't you tell us this sooner, Bobby?" Bill asked. He sounded angry too.

"Because you don't go messing with things like that." Bobby's voice sounded solid. "You don't go messing in alternate universes where things are different, especially in one that you're supposed to be dead in."

"What about us, then?" Jo asked. "Are we… Are we dead in that other universe?"

"I don't know." Bobby admitted. "But if you aren't then two of you in there can't be good either."

"So which one is she then?" Bill asked.

"I can't tell for certain. In case you haven't noticed, her head is just a wee bit scrambled at the moment."

"Give it your best guess." Bill replied.

"I don't know. Probably the other world. I haven't seen her do anything magic-y or something, though, so I can't be certain at all."

"Well what are you certain of then?" Ellen asked. "Bobby, you brought us here for a reason. Why?"

"I'm certain that it doesn't matter which Kylie it is." Bobby's words made me feel… good, in an uncertain way. "She's still my family. I already lost her once, I ain't about to lose her again."

"Then why are we here, Bobby?" Jo sounded almost scared. "I want it to be her, but she doesn't remember any of us. What if it's not her? Or what if she never remembers?"

"Then we make do." Bobby said decisively. "Just like we always do."

"I hate to ask this, but does Kevin…" Ellen's words stopped abruptly, as though she wasn't comfortable with continuing.

"I don't know." Bobby spoke after a short pause. "I still haven't seen him since he walked off." The pause was much longer after that. Whoever Kevin was, he had been cared very much for by these people.

"Can I go see her?" Jo asked hesitantly. "I… I want to apologize to her." Apologize. Make amends. Say sorry. What did she have to apologize for? I was the one that upset everyone with the picture.

The same picture that was still in my hand. I looked down at it again, down at the mystery man I was holding hands with. We both looked happy. We both looked like we cared a lot for each other.

I wished I could say that I recognized him.

"It'd be best if I went and got her first." Bobby decided. I looked away from the picture. "She trusts me. I'll bring her out here again, and we can all sit and talk calmly. I think that'll work."

Bobby came in after a minute or two. "Hey, kiddo. You doing pretty alright?" He asked. I wasn't certain how to answer. I had just learned so much new information.

"Am I from another…" What was the word he had used? Not world, the other one. "Universe? Am I not from here?" Bobby's face fell a little as I asked that question.

"I don't know." He answered honestly. "All I know is that you're still my family."

"I am?"

"Yeah, you are." He promised. "You mind grabbing some waters, coming out here, and talking with our guests?"

"Am I going to learn about who I am?"

"Yes."

"Which… Which me am I going to learn about?" Because apparently there were two options.

"We'll tell you about both." He decided. "Are you OK with that?"

"I think so." I looked at the picture still in my hand. "Which… which me was this?"

"That was the you that the Harvelles knew."

"Can I… Can I ask questions about it?"

"Yeah. We'll just take it one step at a time, alright?"

"Alright." I agreed. Together we got a few bottles of water, some hard tack, and went out to join the others.


	4. Arthur Ketch (3rd Person POV)

Castiel got out with the help of Lucifer. Castiel enraged Lucifer with the truth – the truth about his son, and about what he appeared to be now. Rage was apparently a good motivator for the archangel.

It wasn't a bad motivator for Castiel, either. Lucifer taunted him with the reminder that he kept failing, that he could never keep his wife for longer than a few stolen moments now. He kept losing her. He kept failing her. He couldn't keep her safe, couldn't keep her happy, couldn't do anything for her.

The rage between the both of them was more than enough to get them out of their cages. It also kept Castiel alive when Lucifer tried to strike at him. He got back to the Bunker with the brothers, and told them the highlights. Lucifer was back. Kylie had disappeared.

He left off the torture from Ketch. That was a personal vendetta for Castiel to settle, now.

In turn, they filled him in on their end. Jack teaming up with a dreamwalker. Things going wrong. Jack in the wind, more than likely in the correct universe. Them in a third for a short time.

The timelines matched up with when Kylie had disappeared. Somehow, she'd been connected. Somehow, she'd gone to one of the other universes.

He just didn't know which one.

He hoped it was with Jack. Jack would keep her safe.

So they left to find Lucifer, following the trail of dead vessels.

"Oh, it's only you." Castiel froze with anger the second he heard that voice. They'd been trying to find Lucifer, which led them to Sister Jo, which had led them to Elgin Hall. It had also put Castiel right in front of the singular human man he loathed most in the world.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Dean asked.

"Do we really have to do all of this again?" Arthur Ketch asked. "Last time we were together I saved your lives and you shot me. Doesn't that make us even?"

"You bastard!" Castiel roared. He rushed past Sam and Dean, blade in hand. It took both the Winchesters a moment to react, and three to successfully hold him back from stabbing the Brit (but even then they were only just barely keeping the angel in check). Ketch, for his credit, knew to take steps away from Cas. They all knew that if Castiel got within range he would kill Ketch. There was no doubt about that.

The only doubt was how quickly Castiel would allow it to happen.

"No, I guess not." Dean stated bluntly, adjusting his grip on Castiel. He was still struggling to get near Ketch. Sam could see the fear in the Brit's eyes.

"What are you doing here?" Sam asked. It was difficult to ask questions and hold Castiel back, but he was managing. Barely.

"My sources tell me Lucifer's back, he's weak and he's - or was - in this wonderful little slice of Americana. I was going to try and kill him." Ketch looked at the three of them, his eyes lingering on Castiel for a moment. "As were you, I assume."

"Okay, who are you working for?" Sam responded.

"Isn't it possible that I am simply trying to strike a blow for the good of humanity?" Ketch tried.

"No, that's not possible!" Castiel screamed. "You're working with Asmodeus, you son of a bitch!"

Sam and Dean froze, giving Castiel the opportunity he needed. Cas raced between the brothers and lunged. Ketch backed up farther, but he couldn't back up fast enough. Within seconds Castiel had him pinned up against a wall, his angel blade hovering two centimeters above Ketch's throat.

"Sam! Dean!" Ketch shouted, his voice cracking slightly. "A little help, please!" Neither brother responded. Instead they advanced slowly, almost angrily.

"You've been working with Asmodeus?" Dean asked. His voice was as piercing as ice.

"Yes!" Arthur sounded exasperated, but also afraid.

"And you think that we should help you?" Dean asked next.

"Yes! Your angel is about to murder me!" The brothers looked at each other. Sam shrugged.

"I say we let him." Sam stated.

"EXCUSE ME!" Ketch shouted. "I'm trying to help you, you morons!"

"Is that what you were trying to do to Kylie?" Castiel asked angrily. He stared Ketch in the eyes, and the Englishman could see something he had never before seen in an angel; he saw pure hatred. He saw the most absolute form of loathing and wrath that he could ever imagine, and Ketch was afraid.

For a moment, Ketch wondered how long it would take the angel to kill him, if the brothers let him have his way. He suspected it would be more than long enough to make Arthur Ketch regret ever meeting any of them.

"I'm trying to present an opportunity here!" Ketch argued. "If I'm working for Asmodeus," the blade in Castiel's hand pressed up snugly against Ketch's throat. The Brit paused, fighting the urge to swallow. "Then I can pass information on to you!"

"Oh right." Castiel challenged. "And you would do that for us?"

"For everyone. I know you think I'm a monster," Ketch tried, but he was interrupted.

"You are." Castiel stated. "What you did to her was inhumane. Why should we offer you any sort of mercy?"

"That was personal, this is business." Ketch tried. "However, even I must draw the line somewhere. It seems as though I set it at letting Lucifer free upon the earth, not to mention the whole Michael situation." Castiel glanced back at the Winchesters. They all knew how bad that was, Ketch's own crimes aside. "Look, I know you want to kill me. I know you can't forgive me. But if you think about it I'm the lesser of, well, at least three evils." All Castiel could see though was Kylie's face, branded with that horrible A.K. "All I ask is that you wait to murder me until after I prove useful. Hmm?" Ketch tried to look around Castiel at the brothers. The action caused the blade to dig in to his throat, creating a sharp yet thin scratch on his neck. "Anyone?"

"It's your call, Cas." Dean decided. Ketch looked into the eyes of the angel, and he could see it. This was the end for Arthur Ketch. This would be how he died – at the hands of an angel. To many, this would be considered a gift.

To Ketch, he knew that in the end death would truly be the most merciful gift this particular angel could offer him.

However, much to everyone's surprise Castiel lowered his blade. He took two steps back, regarding the Brit coldly. "Thank you." Ketch said, letting out a sigh of relief. He didn't see Castiel's fist rocketing towards him until it was too late. The Englishman fell to the floor, not exactly knocked out but not exactly fully conscious either. His nose was broken. He could feel that clearly. "I can understand how that would be deserved," he started to say. Then Castiel's fist came down again, and this one was the one that put Arthur Ketch out cold.

"Nice one, Cas." Dean complimented, clapping him on the shoulder. "Personally, I wouldn't have held it against you if you had killed him."

"Kylie would've." Castiel stated grimly. "I'm certain that she'd rather us get whatever information we can out of him first."

"What…" Sam almost sounded afraid to ask. "What happened down there, Cas?" In Castiel's mind, all he could hear was her screaming. All he could see was the pain etched across her body by this man. He could still see those scars.

He could still remember Ketch smiling.

"Nothing you can't already imagine." Castiel said ominously. The three all looked down on Ketch's unconscious form, and for a moment all three of them had the same thought.

 _If he died now, nobody would come looking. Nobody would blame them if they killed Ketch then and there._

"Alright," Dean said, breaking the silence. "I say we take dickbag back to the bunker and find out what he knows, put a bullet in him, then burn his bones and flush his ashes."

"I like that plan." Castiel agreed.


	5. Two Kylies

Jo, Ellen, and Bill Harvelle were waiting on the couch for me and Bobby. I glanced back at him once, but he nodded me onwards. So I handed the three a piece of hard tack and a bottle of water.

"Thank you." Jo. She didn't look me in the eyes.

"You're welcome."

"Thank you, sweetheart." Ellen. Her eyes looked sad.

"You're welcome."

"Thanks." Bill. He looked cautious.

"You're welcome."

I sat down on the floor. There was only the couch (which was full) and Bobby's chair (which was Bobby's). Bobby shook his head, and tossed me a bottle of water.

"Idjit." He muttered. He said that word a lot. I caught the water bottle with a sort of relative ease. The hard tack he tossed next, though… That I did not catch as easily. It bounced from my fingers until I lunged for it. It didn't hit the floor, though. That was a good thing.

"Sorry." I muttered, looking around at everyone. I felt more than a little awkward about that. We all stayed quiet for a moment, just looking at each other.

"Well, I think we should start at the very beginning again, why don't we?" Bobby asked. We all nodded. I don't think any of us had a better idea. "As you all know, I am your graciously grumpy host Bobby Singer." He looked over at me, and nodded for me to speak.

"I'm Kylie Dillinger." I said slowly. "I'm staying with Bobby and I… I don't remember who I am." It hurt a little bit to say the words out loud, but it also felt good.

The word catharsis floated through my head for just a moment.

"My name is Ellen Harvelle." Ellen spoke next. "Bill is my husband, and Jo is my daughter." Husband. Daughter. Those words meant family. That meant that they were family.

"I'm Jo. I'm a Hunter. I'm these guy's kid."

"I'm Bill." That was all he said. I felt as though that was all he needed to say.

"Now that we've all done introductions again, let's talk." Bobby said decisively. "Kylie, it's about time that you knew what we can tell you. You've heard bits and pieces already. I think it's safe to say that this is a better shot than nothing. Any objections?" Nobody answered. "Great. Let's start talking."

And they started. They told me about the Kylie from this world. They told me about how her family was gone. They told me about how she'd saved them a few times. They told me about Kevin, and getting married to him. Apparently the Kylie from this world had gotten married. That was the picture. Bobby had… presided. The Harvelles had been there too. It was apparently a grand time. Bobby had given me away at the wedding. Bobby had considered me to be his own daughter.

Jo was her friend from the moment they met, according to her. She had talked with her hands, sign language. Jo learned it so they could communicate better. They'd talked about girl things. That Kylie hadn't had a mom, and Jo only had hers. It was good for the both of them, according to Jo.

There were other things said, and other things shared. They did their best not to push too many specific memories on me. I think they were waiting to see if something clicked.

Nothing did.

"Where is Kevin?" I asked quietly.

"He…" Bobby was trying to answer. Everyone looked around quietly. "He disappeared not long after you died."

"Was he a good man?"

"Yes." Ellen answered earnestly. She cast a look up at Bobby as she spoke. "Yes, he is. He's doing everything he can to be a good man."

"Ellen, she deserves to know the truth now." Bobby said. "I've kept it from her long enough."

"She's had to hear a lot." Ellen argued. "I think that she needs time to let this settle."

"I have more questions though." I pointed out. "May I ask them?" Everybody thought for a moment.

"Yeah, sure." Bobby answered.

"You… You called me your daughter." I said to Bobby. "Are you my family?" His last name was Singer, but he could still be my family. But my family was dead. That's what they told me.

"Yes and no." Bobby answered. "You showed up on my doorstep. I kind of just adopted you as my family." Bobby smiled a little. "You didn't have a damn choice."

"I didn't?"

"Nope." He was still smiling.

"And this is a good thing?"

"Absolutely." He replied. His smile changed in a way that was difficult to describe. It became… Sorrowful, almost. A sorrowful smile. "I never had kids of my own when I got married. After my wife died I didn't remarry." He looked out into the distance. "Karen always wanted kids." He muttered. "She wanted a little girl." There was a quiet silence that fell over everyone for a moment. "Anyways, I don't know. You kind of just showed up on my door one day, then showed up again and stuck around. We didn't like each other at first, but eventually…" He shrugged a little. "You became my daughter, more or less. You were the daughter I never had." His voice sounded like a sorrowful smile too.

I looked at Bobby Singer in a slightly different light, now. I had no family, apparently. No father or mother like Jo did. No brothers or sisters or anyone. Depending on which Kylie I was, I might not even be married.

The Kylie in this world had started out with absolutely none of that, and found family in Bobby Singer.

At that moment I didn't particularly care which Kylie I was supposed to be. Bobby Singer considered me family. He was the closest thing I was probably ever going to have to it.

I got up from my seat on the floor, and walked slowly over to him. He was still looking out the window when I did the only thing I could think of doing – I wrapped my arms around him tightly. This time, the word for the action came to my mind with ease.

 _A hug._

I was giving Bobby Singer a hug.

"Thank you for being my family." I whispered quietly. His body felt still, as did the rest of the room. But a few moments later, I felt his arms around me as well.

"I missed you, kiddo." He muttered. "I missed the hell out of you."

I wished I could say the same words.

After a few minutes, he pulled away. I watched him wipe something off his face for a moment. "Alright, now that all the gush and stuff is out of the way, let's tell you about the other option." He looked back at the Harvelles. "Actually, I think I need to explain that part to all of y'all."

"Yes please." Jo said quietly. She looked like she had tears in her eyes. The sight made me uncertain. These people… They were so nice. They were so kind. Did she really need to know about the other her? What if I was the Kylie these people thought I was in the first place? What if this was the me I was supposed to be?

What if this was the me I wanted to be?

I pushed the thought aside as Bobby began his second explanation. There was another me. In another world. Alive, as far as he knew. That other me came from a glowing gold tear in what Bobby called the fabric of reality. Bobby assumed I'd gotten married in that world as well, judging from the ring on my hand. The only catch was, he wasn't so certain if it was Kevin.

"There was an angel that the other you was all up close and cozy with." All of us were shocked at that. I'd heard the horrors of angels in this world. I didn't think good ones could exist.

But apparently in the other world, they did. And according to Bobby, it looked like I was married to one over there. Castiel. Bobby told me he knew bits and pieces about their plan. He knew they were planning on closing the opening between the worlds. He knew that the other me was the one that would do it.

Apparently the other me had been a little more than human. The other me had been a witch. The other me had had long hair then, too. The other me hadn't had the same problems with speech, either.

But the other me also didn't have a family. Not by blood, anyways.

Bobby hadn't seen the other me after they'd left. He just knew that the door had been closed. He checked.

"Well, it sounds to me like there's an easy way to determine which Kylie we have." Ellen said once he was done. "If she can shoot spells, it's Kylie from Paradise World. If she can't, she's Kylie from here."

"Not exactly." Bobby muttered. Ellen looked at him sharply.

"Goddammit Bobby what else is there that you're not telling us?!" She exclaimed. Bobby thought for a moment before answering.

"Kylie," he looked over at me. "When I found you, I didn't find you alone."

"Who was with me?" I asked.

"It's not a who." Bobby said. "It's a what."

"Just spit it out Singer!" Ellen shouted. Bobby looked a little solemn as he replied.

"I found you next to another opening." Bobby said. "I found you next to a Rift."


	6. A Letter From Castiel

_Dear Kylie,_

 _I don't know why I'm writing this letter to you. It is therapeutic, I guess. It feels better to at least imagine that I am having a sort of conversation with you, one way or another. A way to tell you what is happening, if you will._

 _It feels strange not having you here. This is the first time in a long time, I think, where you have been somewhere I could not find and I knew for certain that you were still alive. I actually got used to believing you dead, if you can believe it._

 _But the rock in my hand is warm still, and I know you're alive. It's strange, yes, but it's also a good strange. You're somewhere I can't reach, but you're alive. You're smart. You're resourceful. You will find your way to me, just as I will find my way to you._

 _We're working on a way right now. A spell, from the demon tablet. One to open another Rift. We're coming to get you and Jack, I hope you know that. I hope you're with him. Jack will keep you safe. He's a smart child. I like to think that he learned that from you. You did well with him when I wasn't there._

 _He looks up to you, you know. He respects you and cares for you like family. He felt bad when you left. He blamed himself for your disappearance. Now we know that you weren't gone by choice, and that I feel is my responsibility. Like I told you, I should've been there when you were taken. I should've been there to protect you. Sam and Dean feel the same way._

 _They miss you, you know._

 _I miss you too. I miss you so much. I wish you were here, Kylie. I'm glad you could escape, but I wish you were here with me._

 _I wonder where you are right now. I wonder what universe you're in, what you're doing. I know you're alive, I hope you're safe, and I just can't wait to see you again. I wish you were in my arms right now. I wish you were here so much I that if I could change the world just by wishing, then you would be here._

 _If I could change the world by wishing, then many things would be different. You would be here, alive and well and unharmed. Jack would be here. Mary would be here for the Winchesters. You would not be having such adverse reactions to Jack's abilities. In fact, you would have your own abilities back._

 _If I could change the world by wishing then I would wish for a child of our own, one that you would survive the birth of. I'm not saying that Jack is not a good child at all, but being a father, if only a short time… I just want to experience that with you. I kept looking over at Kelly as she was pregnant and seeing you, and it hurt. I wanted it to be our child. I wanted it to be our family._

 _It is anyways, but I think you would understand what I mean._

 _What else is there to catch you up on? We have Ketch, just so you know. We found him trying to hunt down Lucifer. You know, he had the nerve to attempt to bargain with us. I punched him in response. Twice. Very hard. I like to think you would've appreciated that. The only reason he isn't dead yet is because he has information to offer that we would like to have. We tried taking him._

 _He got away. I'm sorry for that. I should've just killed him outright. He says he's on our side, but I don't believe him. We've both seen too much of who he really is to trust him. Sam and Dean haven't seen everything. They've only heard it. We both know that there is a distinct difference between seeing and hearing what happens._

 _I'm sorry he got away._

 _I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from him._

 _I'm sorry for so much, Kylie. I'm going to find you. I'm going to make this right. I hope you know that._

 _I love you. Stay safe. I'll write you another letter soon._

 _When I see you again, I'll give you these letters. When I see you again, I'll never let you go again. I promise I'll do what I said I would, and keep you safe. You're my wife._

 _I can't wait to spend more time with you as husband and wife._

 _I'll see you soon. I promise._

 _Castiel_


	7. Learning My Truth

**Hey guys! Sorry that I haven't posted in a while! I've been out at field school doing archaeological research, and had no time to continue with this (or any good internet, for that matter). I'm back now, though, and will continue to post updates as regularly as I can!**

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"You found me next to another opening?" I asked. Bobby nodded.

"Yeah." He said.

"There's a portal thing, open out there into another universe, and you didn't think that was important?" Ellen asked. Bobby shook his head.

"Of course, I thought it was important, Ellen." Bobby argued.

"Then why aren't we over there protecting it?" As Bill asked that question, I felt something nagging at the back of my mind.

"Because it closed." I answered slowly. I looked over at Bobby for confirmation, and he nodded.

"Kylie, how did you know that?" Jo asked. I looked back over at the Harvelles.

"I don't know." I said honestly. "I just kind of guessed." Jo examined me closely at those words, but said nothing.

"Well, you guessed right." Bobby stated. "I watched it happen. Seeing the thing and watching it close is actually what brought me to you." He looked concerned as he spoke. "If I hadn't gotten the alarms I wouldn't have known to go. I watched it close right in front of my eyes. When I looked down," he stopped. Bobby was usually quite certain with his words, but this time he didn't look as sure. "I saw your hand sticking out of the ground."

I knew the rest of the story he'd told me. I was half-buried, and my head had had a nasty gash. Bobby had been impressed I was still alive.

"Do you know how you got that head wound?" Ellen asked. I shook my head.

"I didn't even know it was there until Bobby told me." I could feel something tugging in the back of my mind, but I couldn't quite get a hold of it. It was important, though. It was… About my head? About the Rift? About me? I didn't know. I tried reaching for it, but… it was gone.

I didn't know.

"Alright." Bill said. "Let's do some tests."

"Tests?"

"From what I've heard, there should be some easy ways to tell which you that you are." He said calmly. "Whether or not you can use magic is one. Another could be if you know sign language. A third… What about blades?"

"Blades?"

"Angelic blades." Jo said, smiling. "Our Kylie, she knew how to throw them. She knew how to use two."

"Did the other Kylie?" I asked. Bobby shrugged.

"I think she just favored magic."

"So knowing sign language, or magic. Throwing blades or spells." Bill said simply. Jo shook her head, though.

"She wouldn't know sign language." She said. Ellen and Bill looked confused. Bobby looked like he'd just remembered something. "She had to learn it because she was hurt. She couldn't remember a lot of words, but she remembered hand movements. If she doesn't remember anything, but can speak normal…" Jo shrugged. "She might remember it, but I don't think so."

Bobby nodded. "Fair enough." He agreed. "It'll be worth checking anyways, but you have a good point Jo."

"Wait, wait, wait." I said quickly. "What if I don't want to know?"

"What?" They all asked.

"What if I don't want to know?"

"What do you mean?"

"There's a chance I'm the Kylie from here, and a chance I'm not." I said. "And in all honesty, with a Rift being that close to where I was, chances are pretty high that I'm not the one that you want me to be." All of them looked dismayed at that. They'd all been thinking. None of them had wanted to say it though. "What if I don't want to know which one? What if I just… just want to be me?"

"We need you, Kylie." Bobby said. "We need your help. You were the best at keeping the angels away. And the other you… she's powerful. Either way, we need you."

"So why can't you have me, and not know?" I asked. "Who says I can't be useful, even without knowing?"

"Because…" Bobby took a deep breath. "Because I…" He shook his head. "No. No, you're right. You're right." He took another breath. "You don't need to know. We, technically, don't need to know. We might find out anyways, your memory could always come back to you naturally. But right now," he looked around at the others. "We don't need to know." He was firm as he spoke.

I looked around at the others too. They looked like they wanted to disagree, but couldn't. They… They wanted to know which one I was. They wanted to know how useful I could be. They cared too, yes, but… They cared about which one I was. They would care about one more than the other.

But not Bobby.

I looked over at Bobby, and could see he just wanted one thing. He wanted his family back. He looked at me and saw… Saw family. Family he had cared for. Family he had watched grow up and get married. Family he had watched die.

He just wanted that family back again.

"Fine." Ellen agreed. Bill nodded begrudgingly with her. From the looks of it, I could see they weren't happy with the decision. They would probably talk to Bobby about it later.

Nobody said much to anyone after that. We all just sat around in silence. Eventually, though, Jo broke it.

"I need to go for a walk." She said decisively. She stood up, offering a hand to me. "Wanna come with?"

"That sounds like a great idea." Ellen agreed quickly. Bill nodded with her. I looked over at Bobby, feeling extremely uncomfortable. I could handle these people with Bobby around. I trusted Bobby. But with one of them, one-on-one? People I didn't even know, might have not ever known in the first place, but who definitely knew me.

Or at least, one version of me.

Bobby offered me a kind nod. "It's alright." He promised. I could see the words were hard for him, though.

I got up and followed Jo. We walked out of Bobby's home, and down into the woods a ways. Jo didn't say anything for a while. Neither did I. She was probably trying to gather her words.

I just didn't know what to say to someone that knew you.

Jo's footsteps were purposeful. Wherever she was going, she knew exactly where it was. I followed her uncertainly, my feet shaking and stumbling over the uneven terrain. We stopped at a spot eventually, though. It seemed like more forest, save for one difference.

A pile of rocks.

Jo looked at the pile, and let out a sigh. "I know you're not her." She finally said. She didn't look at me when she said it, though. She just looked at the rocks.

"You do?"

"Yeah." She sounded bittersweet as she spoke. "When I first saw you, I'm sorry for scaring you. I wanted you to be her. But…" She shook her head. "I should've known."

"How?" She looked over at me then.

"Your eyes are different." She said. "You look more hopeful than she ever did."

"Hopeful?"

"Look around." Jo motioned to the forest around us. "Nobody looks hopeful here. Bobby looks a little more hopeful because he wants you to be… Our Kylie. Our Kai."

 _Kai._

 _"What's your name?"_

 _"Kai."_

 _"No last name?" I was talking to someone. I couldn't see them, though. I couldn't see anything. It was just darkness. I heard a noise, howling._

 _"No." I said. I felt scared, but my voice was a little more firm. "Did you hear that?"_

"Hear what?" Jo asked. I turned back to look at her, realizing I'd spoken aloud. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just…" I wasn't certain how to explain it. Jo knew, though.

"You remembered something." She said. She sounded excited.

"A few words." I admitted. "I… I went by Kai at one point, I think. I was talking to someone. A man."

"Marv?"

"I don't know." I said. "Who's Marv?" Jo let out a sad smile.

"Sorry. I thought that… if there was another you, there might've been another him; that you might've known him." She admitted. "Marv was an old friend. He… He died too."

"Oh." Lots of people died here. I had a feeling that lots of people died on the other side, too.

I looked at the pile of rocks, and had a thought. "This is her grave, isn't it?"

"Yeah." She said. "We went back for her body a few days later, after the dust had settled. Brought it back and gave her a proper Hunter's funeral, but… It wasn't enough. We wanted to have something to remember you – remember her – by. Something that we could come back to. Kevin and Bobby used to come here a lot. They'd talk to the stones." She smiled a little at that.

"Did you?"

"No." She was still smiling as she said the word. "No, I… It didn't feel right to me. Making the grave, yeah, sure. But talking wasn't ever her favorite thing. She got better at it for us, but usually if she could just use her hands or her actions she would. And she wasn't a big feelings person. She was a soldier, like the rest of us." Jo looked back on the grave, a hint of longing in her eyes. "A damn good soldier, and an even better friend."

"She sounds like someone I wish I was." I admitted. Jo whirled back on me at that, automatically shaking her head.

"No." She didn't sound angry, just… I couldn't place the emotion. It was passionate, though. "No. That's disrespectful to her memory."

"I'm sorry." I started off. She shook her head again.

"Don't apologize." She stated. "To Kylie it was important to know who you were, and to come to terms with that. I know you don't know who you are, and I know you're still trying to figure all of that out, but don't try to be her for our sake. Don't try to be her because you wish you were her, or because you want us all to like you more. Be you." She said those last words firmly. "Kylie believed in a few things in life. Know your enemy. Don't be afraid to fight for what's right. Never give up when it's worth it. Don't be afraid to be you." She looked at me hard, as though trying to convey another message I couldn't understand. "You're here. You look like her. But you're probably not the her that's from here. We can both accept that. So, don't try to be who you're not. Be you."

"What if… What I don't know how to be me?" I asked. Jo looked away from me for a moment, digging at something in the nearby tree roots. When she turned back, she had something in her hands. It was a bundle, wrapped in fabric. She unraveled it carefully, taking a moment to look at the items before giving them to me.

They were two weapons, identical in every form possible. Silver blades, with their length from end to tip just a little shorter than my forearm. They looked sharp and deadly.

They also looked strangely familiar.

"You'll figure it out as you go." Jo promised. "The other you did, and told me the same thing." She looked down at the blades a little and smirked. "You may not be her, but she would've wanted you to have these anyways." I reached forwards carefully, and picked up the daggers. The weight felt good in my palms. It felt familiar. It felt right. I looked back up at Jo, smiling a little. She smiled back. "How much do you wanna bet that in both universes, you knew how to use these?"

I turned from her, glancing at one of the trees. On instinct – or was it memory? – I threw a blade at the tree. It hit dead-center in the middle.

I could feel another memory, in the back of my mind. Practicing. Endless practicing until I could do that right.

I looked back at Jo. She was still smiling. "I think that you're probably right." I said. Jo laughed, an honest and real laugh, and I couldn't help but laugh with her.


	8. Work and Kamikaze Angels

I worked diligently with Bobby, Jo, Ellen, and Bill. The goal was to test my memories and my abilities, and get me adapted as quickly as possible now to the new world around me. Words came back quicker than anything else, which was a nice surprise.

In the testing phase that lasted a grand total of two days, I learned a lot about myself. I learned I could definitely throw angel blades, without really any difficulties. I learned that I didn't know Japanese (but Bobby did, and that was cool) or sign language. I learned that I was a pretty fast runner, but not the absolute fastest (which made Jo a mix of happy and sad. Apparently she could never beat the other me in a footrace). I learned that what I lacked in speed I made up for in dexterity, though. I was definitely a person that knew how to dodge, and I felt comfortable in the treetops. In a fistfight, I was good. I wasn't perfect, but I didn't stop.

They had me sparring up against Bill last, to see how I would do with the height and weight difference. I knew it was just to see where I was at. I knew none of it was real. But in the back of my mind… I knew there had been times when it hadn't just been practice. I knew that there had been times I'd needed to keep going and going and going and not stop until I knew I was safe.

Bill had me in the end, but it was a close one. He was breathing hard. "Where did you learn to fight like that?" He asked.

"I…" I could hear fighting in the back of my mind, and smell something metallic. "I don't know."

"Fair enough." He conceded.

Then came the test of magic. Could I cast it? How effective was it? What was I better at than other things? Could I do this or that?

The answer to all of them boiled down to a simple phrase: I couldn't do it.

I tried. I really did. But I had no idea what it would feel like TO do. Bobby had a couple books on the subject but the idea of it just… It just didn't seem to click. "Like a secondary external force you can call upon at whim." That was what the book said.

That just made it sound like I had magic daggers that could reappear in my hands. That was, however, unfortunately incorrect. They had a rope trick, though. Rope around the handles so that I could throw them and pull back.

It felt weird, doing that. Granted, it was definitely smart. But I just felt as though the rope forced me to get in much too close.

"That was always how she did things." Bobby commented one day. "It was either quiet from the corners, or up close and personal. The longer I knew her…" he sighed. "The more she moved towards confrontation."

He'd come to accept that I probably wasn't the Kylie from this world. It hurt him, I could see that plainly. But he also was taking it extremely well. I wasn't his Kylie, but he didn't care. As far as it mattered to him, I was still another kid.

Once we knew what I could and couldn't do, they got to work adjusting me to the world as quickly as possible.

"Not a lot of people knew you here, so you should be fine to just walk around like you." Jo had assured me. "Hell, you can even use your own name. She never did unless it was around us. If we still had her cloak, I'd give it to you."

"Cloak?"

"Long story. It's probably best we don't have it anyways." She commented. "Too many people would recognize you with it."

They gave me other clothes instead. Dark clothes and military fatigues, to blend in with my surroundings. They didn't have a lot to offer, but it was enough. The clothes I'd come in weren't useful in this world, anyways.

They were used to make new clothes for some of the children in the camp instead.

From there, I got to work. Supplies needed to be gathered. Missions needed to be run. I wasn't going to be useful staying cooped up with Bobby in Treetops, and like Jo said: not a lot of people knew the other me. She wasn't a big fan of being known.

Angels knew her, though. That made me surprisingly useful. They took one look at me and it was like seeing a ghost. I did my best to play the part as well, keeping sentences short actions loud.

Word spread from that. Angels were dying, just a little more now. Dying at the hands of a woman with angelic blades. People had their theories. Angels had their concerns. Nobody really knew the truth.

It was better that way. Safer for all of us. If Michael knew I was from the other universe…

From what Jo had told me, it was best to accept who I was, but play the part I needed to blend in. Just another girl fighting in the rebellion while I was at Treetops. Exactly who angels feared when I fought them.

We were at war, and this was the best we had. Things were working well like that.

Until a few months later, when Bobby came back from patrol.

I was out by the campfire with a few of the kids, telling them whatever stories I could think of. As I spoke, I could almost imagine the flames coming to life with my words. "And then they boys were sent away, put into a magical land where hundreds of stories all came to life all at once. These stories had a catch, though. To make it through each story and out to the end, you had to act as though you belonged. Or else they'd get you!" I lunged towards one of the younger girls, and she squealed with laughter. I smiled at all of them, raising an eyebrow. "And they'd make you follow the story somehow."

"Kylie," Bobby's voice came from behind me. I turned around automatically, and saw he'd brought some new people into the camp. A young man and a middle-aged woman. The woman had shoulder-length blonde hair, just a few inches longer than mine, and sharp blue eyes. The younger man had shorter brown hair and blue eyes too. His eyes were kinder, though. Softer. More hopeful.

Bobby moved before they could see me, blocking my view of them. "I need you to head back to the house." He said quietly.

"Why?"

"It's important." He promised. "I'll tell you more later. I just want to make sure it's safe first."

"OK." I tried to look around him again, but he blocked my view. "Does it have something to do with them?" I asked. Bobby too a breath, thinking.

"I'll tell you more later." He repeated. "I promise. You just have to trust me, OK? Michael is after these guys." I understood immediately. If Michael was looking for them, and he found me…

I needed to keep my distance.

"Got it." I said. "I'll be quiet heading back."

"Thank you." He offered me a small smile before returning to the other two. I got up quickly, much to the children's disappointment.

"Sorry, guys." I shrugged. "Duty calls."

"Are you going on a mission again?" One of them asked. I glanced back quietly, and saw Bobby talking to the other two. He was keeping them facing away from me.

"Kind of." I said. As I looked more at the two new figures, I… I don't know. Something about them seemed odd. The male one with the shorter brown hair started to look back at us, and I looked away quickly. "I promise I'll keep up the story tomorrow, OK?"

"OK." They agreed. I smiled at them all warmly one last time before I got up to leave. I heard a male voice speak not long after I left the campfire.

"Hello!" He sounded kind. I offered one last glance back and saw it was the same guy I'd seen. A kind voice to match the kind eyes. It was almost reassuring.

I made it back to Bobby's quietly, but I couldn't get settled in. I was on edge, so much that my head was starting to hurt. Who were those new people? Why had Bobby kept them out of my sight (or kept me out of there vision)? Why was Michael after them, specifically? Michael wanted everybody dead, true, but it took a certain kind of importance to put your name on his hit list.

I knew Bobby's was on it. I knew there was a good chance mine was on it, or at least had been at one point.

I paced about impatiently until Bobby got back. "Who are those people?" I started immediately. "Why does Michael want them? How did you find them? Where are they from?"

"Slow your roll, kiddo." Bobby said, raising his hands in the air. "Look, it doesn't matter now. They'll be gone by morning."

"Gone by morning?" I asked. "What do you mean gone by morning? Michael is after them."

"They're a target."

"So are you. So am I."

"They're a worse target." He sounded exasperated. "Look, don't worry too much on it, alright? They'll be gone, we'll be safe and fighting."

"You've never sent people away before." I pointed out.

"What makes you think I'm sending them away?" To respond I just offered the man a pointed look. He let out a sigh. "They're too big of a target to have around."

"Why?"

"The kid, the boy, you saw him, right?" He asked. I nodded. "That's a Nephilim."

I just stared blankly at Bobby. The word meant nothing to me. He scrubbed his face, letting out an angry sigh. "Right. You don't know. A Nephilim is the kid of an angel and a human."

"That's a thing?"

"It's a very powerful being." Bobby stated. "It's like a damn beacon of power to bring Michael over here."

"Could it be used to help us?" I asked. Bobby stared at me as if I'd just told him we should cooperate with the angels.

"It's the kid of an angel!" Bobby exclaimed. "It's going to turn on us, just like how the angels did in the beginning."

"But it's also part human, right?"

"When push comes to shove, which genetics do you think are going to override? Angel or human?" He had a point there. Angels were much more powerful than humans, and depending on how the thing was raised, who knew where its loyalties lied?

"Fine. You're probably right." I agreed. "So, they're gone by morning. Then what? There's still a super-powered half-angel thing and a perfectly normal human woman," I paused, thinking. "She's normal and human, right?"

"She's human alright." Bobby promised.

"OK. If they're gone by morning than there's a normal human woman out there with a super-powered half-angel thing." I said. "And we won't know where it is. We only know that Michael is after it."

"It could turn on us to work for Michael!"

"EXACTLY!" I argued. "But it's not working for Michael right now, right?" Bobby stopped there. I had a point this time, and he knew it. The Nephilim was here, with us, not with Michael. They were running FROM Michael. Yes, the thing might just lead the archangel here, but he could also be a viable weapon against him." I was about to say more – as was Bobby – but we were both cut off by the clearest sound we'd ever heard.

The angel siren.

They were coming.

"Balls!" Bobby muttered. He swung his gun, Rufus, off of his back and into his hands.

"I've got the kids." I stated, flicking my wrists. The angelic blades I'd been given fell from their spots up my sleeves and neatly into my hands.

"Don't be stupid."

"You too." I smiled ruefully at him, but he didn't return it. Angels hadn't attacked us directly here before. It was fortified. It was supposed to be safe.

But if they were coming, then it would be bad.

The two of us didn't say anything else to each other. We didn't really need to.

So we left in separate directions, him darting off towards the adults to fight and me darting towards the children. I could get them out. I could get them safe. I had to get them out and safe.

I rounded up as many of the children as I could. They all already knew where to go – there was a grain cellar they were supposed to run towards. Each child had their own path to get to it, one that would keep them out of the way and look misdirecting. Some were in the trees. Some were underground.

But some would be trapped, or too scared. They were children, after all. They were brave children that had seen much more than they should've, but they were still children.

I started by running from hovel to hovel, closing up escape hatches where I saw them left open and checking on who was left. No weapons were left behind, and as I went I didn't find many people or children. It looked like we were doing good.

As I rounded a corner I saw a child hiding behind a log. Angels weren't too far from her. They didn't see her yet, though. They didn't see me either. I was about to run to the girl when someone else beat me to it.

It was the woman from last night.

And an angel saw her too. The woman turned to see the angel, and I watched her posture stiffen. She pushed the child to run, and the little girl locked eyes with me. I motioned for her to run towards me. She did, leaving the woman to deal with the angel. Neither of them had spotted me yet.

I watched the angel knock the woman to the ground as the child reached me. I moved her behind me, whispering quick words for her to run.

"The half-breed," I heard the angel demand. "Where is he?"

"Go to hell." The woman spat back. I smiled a little.

"Witty." I saw Zachariah move to raise his blade, and I started to move myself. I couldn't let him kill this woman. I had to stop him.

I was beat by someone else though.

"Stop." I looked behind Zachariah and saw the boy from last night. The Nephilim child. He stood weaponless. Zachariah wasn't looking at me, though. He was looking at the boy. I still had a chance. As Zachariah spoke, I crept quickly towards the angel. The boy may be unarmed, but I still had my blades. I reached the woman just as the Nephilim spoke again. "I said, stop."

In an instant I felt my head explode with pain. I fell to the ground, clutching my head. I couldn't see. I could barely hear. All I felt was agony in my mind. Someone else was speaking, I was certain of it, but I couldn't hear them clearly.

I stayed on the ground like that for what felt like hours. I couldn't move. I couldn't even scream. I just stayed curled up, grasping at the sides of my head. When it finally started to recede, though, that was when I heard voices again.

"Kylie! Kylie, what's wrong? Kylie, get up. I need you to get up now, so I can see what they did and try to fix you up." Bobby's voice. It came in muffled, with a high-pitched whine behind it. I opened my eyes slowly to look up at him. Once he saw me responding, he let out a sigh of relief. "Good. You gotta get up now, alright?"

"Kylie?" Another person appeared next to Bobby. The woman. She looked at me with shock. Bobby helped me up slowly as my head began to clear.

"What in the hell happened to you?" He asked. I looked back over at him. "One minute you were about to make an angel kebab, the next you were on the ground."

"I don't know." I muttered, rubbing my head. I still had my angel blades in my hands. I stowed them away quickly, looking around. There were no more angels. It was… oddly silent here. I looked up and saw faint flecks of what looked like ash start to fall. "It was like… I don't even know." I looked over at the woman. She was still staring at me in disbelief. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah." She said absently. "Yeah, I'm fine. Bobby, is this," she looked from me to him, trying to put the sentence together correctly. "Is she," before Bobby could answer, the Nephilim spoke from behind me.

"You're alive!" He cheered. I turned to look at him and was immediately caught in a hug. "You're alive! I can't believe you're here, but you are! I have so many things to tell you, Kylie! So many things to ask you about!" I looked back at Bobby and the woman, feeling dread. The last time someone had hugged me like this… They'd thought they knew me. They'd hoped I would know them.

"Jack," the woman said softly. He pulled away from me, looking over at the woman proudly.

"Mary, look!" Jack exclaimed, turning me around to see her. "It's Kylie! I know you knew her, and she's here! I thought that…" He paused for a moment, then shook his head. "It doesn't matter. We can discuss it later." He looked at me with those words, this time really looking at me. He took in the bewilderment on my face, the stiffness of my body, and the lack of recognition in my eyes. "Kylie… What's wrong?"

"Jack, this might not be the Kylie we knew." Mary told him cautiously. "This might be the Kylie from this world, not from ours."

"No, I know she's from our world." Jack said assuredly. "I can feel it. She feels like us. Kylie, you understand, right?" I pursed my lips. "Besides, I… I know that using my powers hurts you. I'm sorry that it did that, I didn't know you were here." He brightened up again a little. "But this is good! We can talk! We can learn what's been happening and work together!"

"Jack," Mary said again, but this time Bobby held up a hand. He shook his head at her, offering me the chance to speak.

"I…" I took a deep breath. I looked over at Jack, and saw him look so hopeful. The hope was quickly fading, though, being replaced by worry and fear. "Jack, I'm sorry, but I don't remember you." I said softly. I looked back over at Mary. "I don't remember you either."

"What?" Mary asked. I nodded, looking over at Bobby again. He nodded for me to continue.

"You're right, I'm from your universe. Jack's confirmation is the best proof we'll get of that. But I don't remember how I got here. I… I don't remember anything."


	9. Meeting Jack and Mary

Jack and Mary looked at me stunned when I said those words. I don't remember anything. They just… Questions flew from Jack quicker than I was prepared.

"Anything?"

"Yeah."

"Not even me?"

"No."

"Or Mary?"

"No."

"Or Sam or Dean?"

"No."

"What about Castiel?" The way he said the name, it sounded important. I shook my head again.

"I'm sorry. I don't remember anyone."

"But he," he was about to continue, but Mary cut him off.

"Jack. She doesn't remember." Mary stated. Her tone was firm, yet gentle. "Let it go."

"But she has to remember something, right?" He looked over at me again. I shrugged.

"I remember a gold color before I got here." I said. "And I think I remember something from a long time ago. Someone was talking to me, and dogs were barking." The thought made me shiver unconsciously. Whatever that memory had been of, it hadn't been good. "But other than that… I don't know. Everything I know about who I was is whatever Bobby told me."

"What did he tell you?" Mary asked, glancing over at the man.

"That I was a witch, and that… that I might've been married." I took a breath. "To an angel." I looked over from Mary to Jack. From the looks on their faces, those were both correct statements. "We don't really know much else. I'm good with angel blades. I can fight. I can run and hide. That's about it." I thought for a moment. "Who were those people that you named? Sam and Dean and, and Castiel." I felt excited for a moment. They were from the other universe. They knew me. They could tell me who I was. They could help fix me. "Are those people that I knew? Was I…" I thought. I remembered the look on Jack's face as he said Castiel's name, and how quick Mary had been to interject. "I… Castiel is the angel, isn't he?" I asked. Jack nodded.

"Yes." Jack offered me a smile. "He's my father." I felt my jaw drop. I looked over at Bobby, and saw he was shocked too.

"Are you telling me what I think you're telling me?" I asked. He looked young, yes, but not so young to be my kid.

"Relax, Kylie." Mary assured me, seeing my shock. "He's not your son. Not biologically, anyways. It's all just a very long story."

"My mother was Kelly Kline." Jack said quickly, starting to catch on. "She's dead. Castiel is my father, but not my biological father."

"This sounds like a very long story." I muttered, rubbing my temples.

"I'll say." Bobby agreed, looking at the three of us. He looked around. People were starting to wander back. I could see it in his eyes. This was definitely a long story, but now wasn't the place to have it told or heard. There were others to work with, people to talk to and reassure. Bobby looked back at me, and I nodded.

"I got the kids." I promised.

"Take the other kid with you." Bobby told me, motioning to Jack. He nodded a little, offering the Nephilim a small smile. "He's good with them." Jack smiled widely, looking over at Mary for a moment before turning back to me.

"Come on, let's go gather the kids from the safe zone." I told him. "You can tell me about… about yourself." That was probably all I could handle at the moment. "Again." I added, realizing the oddity of the situation for him.

"That sounds nice." He agreed. I looked over at Bobby one more time, double checking to make sure that this would be OK. He offered me a small nod.

"I gotta talk a few things over with Mary anyways." Bobby assured me. "Go check on the children."

"Alright." I started walking, and after a moment's hesitation Jack followed me. He was quiet as he walked. He almost seemed uncertain as to what to say.

"You…" He finally spoke. "You really don't know me, do you? Or at least don't remember me?"

"No." I agreed. "I'm sorry."

"Do others know that you're not from this universe?"

"Not many. Just Bobby and a few trusted others."

"I should keep this information to myself, then."

"Probably."

"That makes sense." He thought for a few minutes. "You asked me to tell you things about myself. Do you wish to hear things about you as well?"

"Not now." I decided. "Not unless… Do you know why it hurt?" He knew what I meant. He shook his head.

"No. I wish I did. I would stop it from hurting." He sounded regretful. "I… I think it's my fault, though."

"Why?"

"I did something, when I first saw you." He explained. "You were dying. You had done a spell, and it was killing you. I stopped you from dying." He stopped for a moment, lost in thought. "I… I touched you. I pushed a… a something… I don't know how to explain it."

"It's OK, Jack. You don't have to."

"But I need to." He said. "It's important. It's why you hurt every time I do something with my powers. You told me magic was about intent, but I don't know what my intent was. I just know I didn't want you to die. Does that make any sense?" He looked at me desperately as he asked. I knew that when he looked at me in that moment, he wasn't looking at the person who didn't remember him. He was looking at me as the person I can't remember being, as someone he had asked that question many times.

He looked at me as the person he knew me as, not the person I was in that moment.

"I'm sorry." I said. "I think I do, but I don't think it's the type of understanding you're looking for." He looked sad at those words.

"I know." He said. "It's difficult to understand if you haven't done this before. I was lucky. I had someone that could explain my powers, or at least help me gain a better grasp on them."

"That sounds nice. Did Castiel do that with you?" I smiled kindly at him, encouraging him to walk once more. He just looked at me with a bittersweet smile.

"Some, but not at first." He told me. He took a small breath, then started walking again. "It's alright, though. We can talk about that at a different time. What would you like to talk about?"

"Tell me other things about you." I encouraged. "What do you like? What did you do in the other world?"

So, we talked. He told me about his father being another angel, but that Castiel had been the one to protect him so Castiel was who he considered his father. He also considered Sam and Dean to be a form of family, but to him the line was unclear between fathers or uncles. He would apparently never call either of them "Uncle Sam" or "Uncle Dean," because it would apparently be weird in his opinion. He liked solid chocolate with something called nougat and warm melted chocolate with small marshmallows; things that I had no recollection of ever even tasting. He liked pizza too.

He was learning how to control his powers and use them. He had a few things he had learned to help himself focus them, but the majority was mostly fueled by feel and what he needed or wanted done at the time.

He wanted to do good things. He was very clear on that. He liked helping people, and wanted to be the kind of man that Castiel would be proud of. He knew that if Castiel was proud of him, then Sam and Dean would be proud too. He wanted to be the best Hunter when he got back. The best one the world had ever seen.

He missed his mom, Kelly. She'd died giving birth to him. That was typical of Nephilim mothers, apparently. She left him videos on a computer that he had watched frequently. They were soothing to him. They reminded him that he was able to choose who he wanted to be. He didn't want to be bad.

He liked music too. He listened to a lot of classic rock from Sam and Dean. I wasn't certain what that was, but from what Jack explained it sounded somewhat similar to the type of music that one of the people in camp liked to play. They had a record player, and someone else had an old guitar. Besides that he liked some other music, but was still trying to figure out things on that. He said that if he told Dean he liked pop music, Dean would probably laugh at him.

He talked about things that I had no idea about. I thought my memory in terms of words and items was fine, but hearing Jack speak… I realized I had more just acclimated to what I had in front of me. I knew trees. I knew rocks. I knew war and ash and death. I didn't know chocolate. I didn't know television. I didn't know Scooby-Doo or Led Zeppelin or things like that. My ideas of fun were telling stories to the kids or sitting up in the trees.

It was odd to think about. The things he was talking about… they were things I knew I should know about. I was from the same world as him, after all. But they just… they weren't.

We gathered the kids up and brought them back, counting who was here and who wasn't. We had all of them, thankfully. I was worried some kids wouldn't make it. After we brought them all back, we headed back to meet up with Bobby and Mary. Jack was still talking, telling me about things that… well… I guess that he wanted to tell me. There were a lot of things he'd been wanting to tell me, I think.

"And I went to wake Dean up, because I was so excited to have a lead," he continued. I couldn't help it anymore. I had to interject.

"Jack," I said quickly. He stopped, looking at me with concern.

"What's wrong?"

"I need to know." I said. "I… You knew me. You knew my life. You knew I was married to Castiel. I… I need to know about my life. I need you to tell me." Jack stopped, thinking it over.

"I want to tell you." He admitted. "I really do. But I don't know if I should."

"Why? Was I some sort of bad guy?"

"No!" He said quickly. "No. Not at all. You were – are – a good person. I just… If I tell you, all I'm doing is telling you things." He explained. "I don't know how you felt. I don't know what you thought. I don't know any of it. I want to tell you, but I don't know if I could explain it in a way that sounds like you, and not just words. Does that make any sense?"

I thought on that. He wasn't wrong. When I heard Bobby and Ellen and everyone tell me about the other Kylie, I had felt the love they felt for her. I had felt the friendship and longing pour out of them as they told me this girl's life. But… But I didn't remember any of it. I wasn't her. I was just being told the story of someone's life, someone that I wished I was or could make myself be. Would it be the same way if Jack told me about myself?

But what if hearing that made me remember?

"Try it with something small, then." I said. "To see if it helps me remember it myself."

"And if it doesn't?"

"Then we'll go from there." I decided. Jack thought for a few minutes, picking a memory. I could see him smile faintly as he settled on one.

"You… You don't know it, but you taught me how to use my powers." Jack started.

"I what?"

"You taught me how to get control of what I can do; how to channel my intent into what I can do and make it my reality." He smiled a little. "You used to know how to do it too. You still remembered how it worked, sort of. You would wear a funny smile while you taught me. It was like you were remembering something I didn't quite know about." He smiled a little at that. "It was one of the days you were teaching me. Dean was gone on a case, so it was just you, me, and Sam."

"Where were we at?"

"The Bunker." I didn't recognize that name. "It's our home. I'll tell you about it more later." He promised. "You were trying to teach me how to move a pencil with my powers. You called it 'force push.'"

"Cool name. I must be good at that." I decided. Jack laughed a little.

"You were trying to help me, and I… I was afraid to keep trying." He admitted. "Using my powers hurt you then, too. You asked me why I wasn't trying, and called me out on it. I wanted to do it right, I really did, but… But I didn't want to hurt you. Trying scared me because I was afraid to keep hurting you. You left for a few minutes to go and get me hot chocolate." Jack smiled more. "You made me my first hot chocolate." He commented.

I still had no idea exactly what that was, what it tasted like, or how I made it. I had a feeling it would be sweet, though. I was certain I would like it.

"Was it good?" I asked. Jack nodded.

"Very." He complimented before returning to the memory. "You were gone for a little bit, and I could hear you and Sam talking. You didn't know it, but I went to listen. I was curious. Sam… Sam wasn't happy with how I was doing. He wanted me to learn faster. You were telling him that it wasn't easy. You said that… that you were proud of me." He was looking at me, and for a moment I could understand the expression he'd described me wearing when I remembered him. Like there was something he could see so clearly and remember, but I couldn't quite see it.

"You told Sam that I was doing my best; that learning magic was different for each person that tried to learn, and that it would be different for me too. You said that it was like learning to extend a part of me that I knew I could do, but didn't quite necessarily know how to do. You were supportive of me figuring it out. You… You sounded a little frustrated, but at the same time you were so patient and wanting to work with me. I got angry with myself. You told Sam you were proud of me, and I couldn't even move a pencil with my powers. I could open a hellgate and stop you from dying, but I couldn't move a stupid pencil." He muttered. "I got angry with myself and I… I moved the pencil." I looked over and smiled at him. He looked away sheepishly. "And accidentally teleported into the corner of the other room."

"You 'accidentally teleported?'" I asked. He nodded, hiding a shy smile. I laughed a little. "Alright. That's a thing. Sorry. Continue with your story."

"It's not my story, though. It's the both of ours. And Sam's. You and him ran in right afterwards. You both looked worried. I was worried because I knew it'd hurt you. I could see it on your face." He looked down at that. He felt… he felt guilty.

"But you didn't mean to hurt me." I told him. "It's not your fault that this is what happens."

"But it is." He said.

"How do you know?"

"I –" he stopped, thinking. "I just do." He muttered. "I can feel that it's my fault. I just can't remember why and what I did."

"If it makes you feel any better, I can't remember anything." I offered him a smile at that. Jack laughed too.

"That was a terrible joke!" He laughed. I couldn't help but laugh too.

"I know." I waited for the laughter to subside before I continued to ask. "Is there any more?"

"Yeah." He said. "There is. I don't know if it's right for me to tell, though."

"Why? I'm enjoying hearing this from you!"

"Do you remember anything?" He asked. I stopped, thinking for a moment. The expression on my face gave away the answer. "Does it sound like you're hearing your own history?"

"It…" I knew the answer. "It doesn't." I admitted. "I like hearing you talk. You sounded like the memory meant a lot to you. But… But you're right. It just sounded like you were telling me about someone else in your family that you cared about a lot."

"You are family, though." He promised. "I know you don't remember it yet, and that to you I just feel like a stranger. But you're family. You're my family. You're my family and that includes Dean and Sam and Mary." He looked so earnest as he spoke.

"I'm these peoples family too." I commented. "Bobby and Jo and Ellen and people you haven't even met yet." From the look on his face, I could tell he understood.

"That's OK." He promised. "That's good. It means you care."

"Thank you." We walked in quiet silence for a little bit. There was a question bothering me in the back of my mind. "Jack… I was a witch, right? Before you met me."

"Yeah."

"I taught you stuff, right?"

"Yeah."

"Did I… Did I teach you good things?" I asked. "Was I a good person about it?"

"Are you asking me if you were a good witch?" He asked. I shrugged.

"I don't know. I guess?" I asked. "I just… I don't know what kind of person I was. I know that I can't remember who I was, and that it probably won't help, but I just… I just want to know if I was a good person when you knew me." I requested.

"I asked you almost the same question." Jack replied. "I asked you if I was a good person."

"But you already knew that. You knew who you were. You knew what you were doing. You remembered your own past and you know yourself. You… you knew."

"My father is still Lucifer, biologically." He pointed out. "And I… I had done some bad things without meaning to. I wasn't certain if I could be good." He smiled a little. "I asked you if you ever wondered if you were evil."

"What did I tell you?"

"You told me you had."

"How did I find out the answer?" I asked. He laughed out loud.

"I asked you the same thing."

"Well, what did I say?" He may be laughing, but I… I felt a little more serious about that. I wanted to know how I would know. How did I answer that question for myself?

"You weren't certain." I stared at him in confusion. "No, literally. You said that you weren't certain. You told me it wasn't about being good or bad, because the world was a mix of the two. You told me it was just about me being me." He put a relaxed hand on my shoulder. "You told me to make what I wanted out of being me, and the mix of good and bad inside of me along with the rest of us. It was my choice, and my way to figure out how to do the best I can to make them." He liked what he was saying. I could see that. He thought that the words were good ones; that they were good advice.

I just wished it didn't sound like he was telling me about someone else giving him advice.

We met back up with Bobby and Mary not long later. The both of them looked like they felt odd, but just slightly more at ease.

"Well," Bobby commented, looking around the camp. "I can't believe it. We didn't lose anybody. Camp looks almost like nothing happened, save for some scorch marks and ash. I don't know what else to say except thank you."

"How are you doing, Kylie?" Mary asked. I shrugged, looking around. Bobby was right. Everything looked almost like nothing happened.

"I'm working through some things in my head, but all in all it's not bad." I decided.

"And your head?" Bobby asked.

"Pain is gone." I promised.

"Good." He smiled.

"Jack," Mary turned back to the Nephilim. "What you did was amazing."

"I had to come back." He said. "Sam and Dean, they wouldn't run. Castiel wouldn't have run. Kylie, you wouldn't have run then or now. Them, you… You all would stay and fight. And these angels, what they're doing," Jack shook his head. "They're not gonna stop. As long as Michael's out there, this war will never be over. Nobody will be safe."

"What are you saying?" Bobby asked.

"I have to kill him." Jack stated decisively. "I have to end this war. So that everyone can be safe. So that you all can have your lives back and not be hiding in fear."

"Jack, this isn't your fight." I told him. "You and Mary can go home. You can leave."

"We can't." Jack argued. "Not without you, and not without saving these people."

"Jack's right." Mary agreed. "We're not leaving until this is over."

"You guys need to get back before Michael gets a hand on you." Bobby said, glancing over at me. "Any of you."

"I'm not leaving." I stated firmly.

"Michael can't get a hold of you either." Bobby argued.

"Or you!" I pointed out. "Or anyone here!"

"Right." Jack agreed. "That's why I'm not leaving. Not until it's safe. For everyone."

We all looked around at each other. This argument could go in circles for hours. Jack and Mary weren't leaving until we were all safe. I wasn't leaving until everyone was safe. Bobby thought we should all leave, but then it'd just be him and everyone else in danger.

"Please, Bobby." Mary requested. "We can help." Bobby glanced over at me, and I shrugged.

"The only way I'm leaving is death or dragged out." I told him, my voice as firm as Bobby's could be. "I don't have anything I remember to go back to anyways."

"Fine." Bobby agreed, looking around. "In all honesty, we could use the help around here anyways." The four of us looked around at each other again. The choice wasn't a hard one for Bobby. He knew what Jack could do. He was comfortable with Mary being around. It was two extra mouths to feed and take care of, but they were also fighters and strategists. They were useful.

I just hoped that they could get back safely eventually.


	10. Castiel's Other Letter

_Dear Kylie,_

 _Hi. It's been a few months since I've last written you. We've been busy; me, Sam, and Dean. We're trying to get to you. We've gotten some of the ingredients already. I wish you were here. It's a spell. You would understand it. You'd understand it better than the rest of us._

 _I wanted to apologize, too. I may have accidentally gotten married again. Of course, with ours being the first marriage it wouldn't count, and it certainly doesn't to me, but that was the only way to acquire one of the ingredients to get to you. I just wanted to tell you myself. It would've been wrong for me not to._

 _Anyways, the only thing we have left is that of the archangel grace. We have an archangel, or rather had. It's Gabriel. He's back. I can't believe it. You would like him. He is extremely proficient in magic and likes to use his spells for fun and enjoyment. I think I told you about him once, actually. Hopefully you will get the chance to meet him. We just have to find him again._

 _Rowena is also alive, just so you know. I know you mourned her. She made it, though. She had a spell that revived her._

 _We're working to get there, I want to make sure you know that. It's taking a bit of time, I know, but we're trying. We were there for a moment, Dean and Ketch were. I didn't want him to go. I wanted to stop him and, well… Get justice for you, to say the least._

 _Ketch stayed behind, apparently, with another woman named Charlie. You met her once, but this other her wouldn't know you. They're making their way towards Mary and Jack. I can only hope that you're with them. I know you're still alive._

 _I wonder what you're doing, on the other side. Have you found Mary and Jack? Or are you surviving somewhere on your own? I hope more than anything else that you've evaded the angels, especially Michael._

 _We're going to go back, Kylie. We just have to find Gabriel, and we'll come back. We'll come and get you. I'll come this time myself, and I won't leave without you beside me. We're going to be a family, a husband and wife together. I promise._

 _I'll see you soon, Kylie. I love you._

 _Castiel_


	11. Flecks of Gold

The next few months went by quickly. Jack and Mary became leaders of the rebellion alongside Bobby. They knew strategy and planning, and Jack… Well, Jack could kind of just blast aside whatever angels got in our way.

It was agreed that I would stay in the shadows to the people. Jack originally wanted me to come out as saying I was from the other world as well, but I disagreed. I couldn't remember enough to make it worth it, and for a while I'd just been letting them run off the assumption that I was from here. Changing that now, and adding in that I used to be a witch that just so happened to forget all her memories?

Yeah. That sounds extremely bad, no matter what way you spin it.

So, I stayed in the shadows of the rebellion, going off on more and more missions when I could. I tended to go on ones that Jack wasn't on, or stayed back when Jack was definitely going to be needing his abilities. The kind of pain that I would feel… It scared Bobby, and terrified me.

I went off solo a lot, or with one or two people. Scouting and scavenging, mostly. If I went up against angels, it was out of bad luck. I told those who asked that angels recognized me because I tended to kill their kind. Nobody asked questions after that.

It was while I was out on a scouting trip that my head lit up in excruciating pain. I was alone, in the middle of almost a desert area. I collapsed in pain, screaming in isolation. I could… I could see gold. It was lit up in front of my eyes, bright and painful and angry. I could feel something ripping at the backs of my eyes, pulling my brain away.

 _"Did you hear that scream?" I could hear a voice ask. It was a masculine voice. Rough. Concerned, but rough._

 _"It can't be her." Another voice stated. It was a smoother male voice. More cautious. More calculating. But was that a hint of fear in his voice?_

 _"It could be." The first voice argued. "Kylie?! KYLIE?!"_

 _"We don't have time for this, Dean." The second man tried. "We only have 24 hours. If you want to find her and the others, we have to move."_

 _"What if she's with them?"_

 _"What if she's not?" I felt myself fading out from them, but I could still hear Dean shouting for me._

 _I faded back into somewhere else, on someone else's conversation. "Yeah, Cas. I need you to come here now. I… Something happened." There was a pause. This voice was also male, but different from the first two. It was tenser. His tones were different. It was… It was strangely familiar. I'd heard it before, but I couldn't remember where. "I'll tell you when you get here. Just… Just hurry, please."_

 _I faded out from that one quicker, pulling myself back into nothing but gold. I could… I could feel it. I was almost certain I could grab it if I just reached out. The gold was all around me, with a consistency just a little thicker than water. I could still move through it, though. It parted around me as though held back by the thinnest of barriers. But I knew I could grab it. I could reach out for it. I just had to try._

 _I reached out, unable to see my own hand as I did it. I reached with a single finger, trying to break through the invisible barrier between me and the sea of gold. I could feel the tip of my index finger just barely skim the gold around me, past the barrier. I could see my hand, then, for just a single moment. It was lit up gold from the inside out._

 _Burning gold._

 _Gold like fire, racing its way through my body sooner than I could hold it back._

I was flung back into myself instantly. It felt as though everything that had just transpired had only happened in a moment, but that moment had lasted a lifetime. I looked around, breathing hard. I was on my knees. My hands were buried in the sand in front of me. My head… It hurt a little, but not as bad as it had a moment ago.

I cautiously removed my hands from the sand, half-expecting to see them frozen in solid gold or on fire or something. But no, they were fine. I thought I saw a fleck of gold in my fingertips, but it was gone before I could blink. I had to have imagined it. They were my normal hands. They flexed like normal hands. They gripped the sand and tapped along different places of my body like normal hands.

"What in the absolute hell?" I muttered, taking a look around at my surroundings once more. I must have fallen into a sand pit. The area looked scorched, but that was normal for this landscape. They were unnerving, though. Scorch marks like these usually meant angels had been here, and they looked…. Too recent for comfort.

For a moment, I remembered hearing the men talking about a scream. I had been screaming. I needed to leave before someone followed the scream. Chances of them being a friend weren't good.

So, I made my way back to base. I had to tell Bobby about what had happened. I had to tell Jack and Mary that I was pretty certain I'd heard Dean's voice. Maybe Sam's, too. The other one that had been with Dean, though… That I didn't know.

I was lucky. Nobody came. I could get away from the sand pit easily, and get back to the cover of trees. I was a few days out from where Mary, Jack, and Bobby were. If I stayed in the trees and kept my head down, I'd be fine.

I got back after maybe a day of walking. My head felt better after that.

Once I got back, I chose not to tell anyone what happened. I didn't know how to explain it, and people would only worry. I was fine, after all. No bruises. No injuries. Just a normal scouting mission with very little to report. I didn't even know what Sam or Dean or any of them sounded like. I had no proof that I'd even heard them.

I'd been doing good on being a normal fighter in this rebellion. I'd been good on not focusing on who I had been or who people were supposed to remember me as before. I'd been great at being just me, without worrying about any of this freaky other-dimension gold stuff.

So I kept my mouth shut. Nobody had to know.

I didn't tell anyone about how I kept seeing flecks of gold out of the corner of my eye, either. I figured they'd go away eventually.

Three days later there was a commotion in the camp. I was at Bobby's, working on getting the maps updated on different occupied angel encampments.

I stopped when I heard Mary shouting and screaming more insults than I'd ever remembered hearing before. Mary usually was an extremely calm and collected woman. She didn't shout words like "bloody fucking manipulative prick" or "goddamn asshole" or for Bobby to give her a gun to "shoot this son of a bitch right fucking now!"

I ran out from Bobby's at "manipulative prick" to see what was happening. Mary was being held back by four different men, who were absolutely struggling to do so. Bobby was standing off to the side, offering one of two newcomers a look of absolute hate. One of the two newcomers had long red hair. She was trying to explain something, but I couldn't hear her over the sound of Mary's indignant shouting. The red-haired woman was trying to explain things to Bobby also, but I doubted that she was being heard.

The other person was a man, and was the subject of Bobby's gaze. He just stood there, accepting everything Mary was saying to him. He had a gun across his back, and was dressed in all black clothes. His hair was cut short, close to his head, and his face was kind of square. He looked determined, but accepting.

Whatever Mary's problem was with this guy, he understood that he deserved it.

I walked up to Mary, keeping my blades sheathed but ready. "Hey," I grabbed her arm lightly, just barely diverting her attention. "What's wrong? Who is this guy?"

"Who is this guy?!" Mary asked me, outraged. She looked from me to him, as though I was expected to remember.

I didn't, though. I had no idea.

I could see that realization dawn on Mary's face after a few short minutes.

"Right." She muttered quietly. I nodded once at her.

"I don't know him." I explained to Mary. "Tell me who he is and what he did. If it's worth it, I'll kill him afterwards."

"No!" The red-head argued, fighting towards the two of us. "No, please don't kill him. I can explain. He's a good guy! He," she stopped when she looked over at me. Her eyes widened just slightly. "You're… You're her." She muttered. I took a step back, averting my gaze.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what you mean." I said. "I'm just here to help."

"But you're," she was starting to argue. She remembered me. What would the other me do?

I looked up quickly, ensuring that I made eye contact with her before I quietly, yet firmly, shook my head. She stopped what she was saying, her focus on my actions instead. "You're not who I thought you were." She said. I nodded.

"Sorry about that." I knew she was lying, but I was telling the truth.

I just also knew she wouldn't know that.

"Don't worry. Just…" She looked back at the other man. "Just don't kill my friend."

"He's not a friend, he's a backstabbing, lying, MURDEROUS," Mary's voice rose again, and she was shouting at the man once more. "GODDAMN TREACHEROUS SNAKE!"

"Mary!" I brought her attention back to me. "Who the hell is this guy?"

"He saved my life." The red-head said. "Him and the other guy, Dean."

Mary stopped at the mention of Dean. She looked back up at the other man, then back to the red-headed woman. "Who are you?" She asked.

"Charlie. The guy over there is my friend, Ketch." She explained. "They both saved my ass from the angels."

"Where's Dean now."

"Back in Oz." Charlie answered. "He went home." The way she said the word home, I was certain she meant the other universe. "The door closed behind him. Ketch stayed behind to make sure Dean could get through and to keep me safe."

"Dean was here?" Mary asked. She glanced over at me slightly. Me and Jack had told them. Of course, we'd told them. They needed to know. Mary had been hopeful for a little bit to see Dean, but when he hadn't come…

Now we knew why.

"Yes!" Charlie insisted. Mary looked back at me for a moment, making a decision.

"Sidebar." She muttered, pulling me away from Charlie. "We'll be right back." She walked over with me towards Bobby. As we moved, I looked over at the other guy, Ketch. He had been wearing a calm and accepting face as Mary and I walked. When I made eye contact, though…

It takes a monster to recognize another monster.

Ketch's eyes widened as he looked at me. I could see pain flash across his face. He…

He recognized me, and it hurt.

I looked away quickly, focusing back on walking towards Bobby. "Mary," I asked quietly. "Who is he?" She looked over at me, then back to him.

"Someone I thought was dead." She answered. I watched her pause, thinking for a moment. "You can't tell him that you're from our universe."

"Why?"

"He'll kill you." Her words were blunt and honest. They shocked me just slightly.

"He knew me?"

"Very well." She muttered. "It's not safe for you to tell him who you are. Lie." She looked up at Bobby. Jack had joined him at this point. "I'll tell them what's up, but you can't let Ketch know who you are."

"Why did he want to kill me?"

"He had orders to." She said. "But I don't think that was all. He's a monster. He destroys everything in his way. He tries to make," her voice caught a little. I could see a flash of a memory across her eyes; one that caused her a lot of pain. "He makes others into monsters like him."

 _"We killed monsters." I could hear this memory, and for a moment I saw a flash of the man, Ketch, sitting across from me. His voice was the same as what I'd heard before. He had been with Dean. He had come through the Rift. "We killed vampires and witches and other creatures that would've killed humans."_

 _"No. We didn't kill monsters." I felt myself say. I was angry. I was pained. I was hurt. I was tired. I didn't care enough to live, but enough to make sure I could hurt Ketch somehow. "You became one."_

I focused myself back on Mary, uncertain of what to say. She could see a change in my eyes, though. "You remembered something." She said quietly. I nodded. "What was it?"

"I remember calling him a monster, too." I said. "And I remember being in pain when I did." Mary let out a small sigh.

"We can't tell him." He repeated again. "It's not safe." I nodded with her.

"I trust your judgement." I said firmly.

So that was what we told Bobby and Jack. Don't tell them about me. Don't tell them about where I'm from. Run with the same lie we've been letting the angels believe – Kai's alive, and nobody knows how.

Charlie had known me before. I'd have to tell a small part of the truth. I'd have to say I didn't remember much of my past. I could get by enough on what Bobby and everyone had told me about the me from this world, though. That would be enough.

Bobby brought them over to a secluded area after we had finished making our decisions. Mary had told everyone simply to not trust Ketch. She looked a little pained as she talked about it. Nothing specific, just some vague things.

She wasn't comfortable talking about it.

Charlie pleaded Ketch's case next. She told us a new story about how angels had had her and were taking her to Michael. She told us about how Ketch and Dean had saved her and destroyed the angels. She told us that Dean had gone through a Rift, promising to be back again soon.

The Rift had closed behind him.

They hadn't seen him since. They'd just made their way here.

It was decided in the end that even though Mary didn't trust Ketch, we needed more hands. We needed fighters, and Charlie's reputation was strong.

We agreed that they'd stay, but Ketch's stay was extremely conditional.

Mary refused to talk to him. She refused to do anything with him.

I chose to just keep to myself. Whatever secrets I had to keep, I'd keep.

I still didn't say what happened in the gold. I still didn't remember who Charlie or Ketch were. I still didn't know what to do with all of this.

And as much as I wanted to ignore it, I still saw flecks of gold at the corners of my vision.


	12. Kevin

I stayed away from Ketch and Charlie after that. Charlie kept trying to talk to me, to ask me questions and see what had happened, but each time I did my best to evade them. "How did you come back?" I don't know. We still don't know. "How much do you remember?" Not much. It's been difficult. I'm sorry I don't remember you. "Do you remember Jo?"

Jo…

Jo died.

Her and her parents were out on a rescue mission. No survivors. It was a trap. They were hoping Bobby would be there.

I didn't even get to tell them goodbye.

I went there myself a few days later and burned the encampment to the ground. Holy oil worked as an amazing accelerant.

I don't know if any angels got out, but I know I heard some screaming.

"What about Kevin?" Charlie also asked.

Kevin…

I went with Mary and Jack on a recon mission. Michael's stronghold was supposedly abandoned. We were going to check it out. I was going to get away from Charlie and Ketch and the Harvelles' death. I wanted to be useful again. I wanted to see some more action in my life.

I wasn't expecting what we did see.

We were checking out the main war room. Jack was examining Michael's plans, which were still left up on the table. I was walking the room, trying to make sure there weren't any runes or traps we'd miss.

"We found one rat in the cellars." Jakob said, causing us to turn. Jakob and Ronald had gone to check out the rest of the compound. They held another figure in between them as they entered the room. Messy black hair, dirty clothes, thin frame. They must've been a prisoner. They looked so disheveled.

When they looked up, though, I saw his face. I… I recognized him. I could feel a memory in the back of my mind.

"Kylie?" He asked, looking at me with the most pure expression of disbelief I'd ever seen. "You're alive?"

 _"Kai? You're alive?" Excitement at seeing a friend. Something making me fall backwards. A door. I was looking up and I… I saw a face. The face of a friend. Same scattering of dark hair._

I felt something skip in my mind. A different memory, one that was a few years father than the first. _A poke at my shoulder. It felt so real. "You may hide from them, but you can't hide from me." A friendly voice. A familiar voice._

 _I could see him, plain as day. I could see the person in front of me in my mind. He was a friend._

"Yeah." The word came out shocked, examining the man before me now. He was a little older than the one I remembered, but… He looked exactly the same as in my mind.

He looked exactly like the man in Bobby's photos.

"Kevin?"

"You know this traitor?" Jakob asked. They both dropped him, and in an instant Kevin bolted to me. It was then that he did something completely unexpected.

He grabbed my face with both hands and kissed me.

I glanced back at Mary and Jack, uncertain as to what he was doing until I remembered what I'd been told. I remembered the picture. I remembered the wedding ring I had.

In this world, Kevin and I had been married.

Kevin pulled away quickly though, searching my eyes. "You're here. You're alive." He frowned. "You can't be here. You're not supposed to be here." He moved a hand to my hair, furrowing his brows at it. "You cut your hair?"

"It's a long story." I promised him, offering a tight smile. "Kevin, why are they calling you a traitor?"

"Because he is one!" Jakob stated. "He turned his back on his own kind, and went to work for the angels!"

"I didn't have a choice!" Kevin exclaimed, turning to Jakob. His hands lowered from my face. "I... You don't understand. I – I – I never used to believe in anything. Well, except science. Quantum mechanical unpredictability. But then the end of the world happened, and everyone around me - my friends, and my… my mom - they all started to die." He turned over to look at me. "You… You died. You died, and God chose me?" He turned back to Jakob. "What does that even mean?!" He turned to me again. "You told me a long time ago that things don't always have to be black and white; that maybe angels could be good too. Michael said he wanted to save the world, not kill it! But he," he looked down. I could see him thinking. I could see he was afraid. "He's hurt so many people. When I couldn't perfect the spell, Michael… he got mad and threw me in the dungeon. And I was so scared, but I fixed it. But I... I couldn't do it anymore." He shook his head, turning back to me. "Michael promised I would get to see you again. He promised to take us to a better world, all of us. I only wanted to do what was right. I just… I just wanted my wife back, Kylie. I know we said 'til death do us part' and all but I just… I couldn't let you go. I love you." He smiled earnestly at me. It went away quickly though, replaced by worry and more fear. "You can't be here, though. Not now. You need to go. I… I didn't think you'd be back. I didn't think you'd be here. I thought I was going to see you again."

"Kevin, it's OK. Slow down." I put a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it gently. He reached up automatically to grip it, rubbing my hand for a moment.

"You're real." He muttered, smiling. "You're real. You're alive. You're here."

"I'm here, Kevin." I said the words with shame. He thought I was the other me. He thought I was the woman he married. I couldn't tell him the truth now, he was too scared – too frantic. I offered Jack and Mary another glance before leading Kevin away from the group. "Here, let's sit and talk." I offered. "It's going to be OK. We're here to rescue you." We reached the far corner, away from everyone else. Kevin held me tightly then, burying his face in my shoulder.

"I missed you so much." He whispered. He sounded near tears. "Kylie, I missed you so much. You were always the strongest one. I just… I missed you. I love you."

"I… I love you too, Kevin." I hated myself for saying the words. I hated it all. I had to tell him I wasn't his wife. I had to tell him the truth.

But when he pulled away, I could see such absolute joy in his eyes. He wasn't afraid for a moment. He was happy. He was so purely happy.

For a moment, I remembered what Bobby had told me. Kevin had been a good man. He had been a good husband. And I… I'd wanted to be this Kylie. I still did some days. It... It was easier. What if…

What if I didn't tell him?

What if I just went with it, and became that Kylie he wanted? Jo said to be me, no matter what. What if I wanted this to be me?

He kissed me again, one hand on my face and another entangled in my hand. This time I tried to kiss him back. I tried to think back on him, and feel the emotions he was feeling right now.

I just wish my heart could've been in it too.


	13. Good-Bye, Kevin

**Hey all! Sorry I haven't posted in a while! As a quick trigger warning, this is where Apocalypse Kevin dies. If you don't want to read that, no shame whatsoever. The next chapter will also have a trigger warning for different reasons, so please feel free to skip ahead as needed.**

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Kevin stayed with me as he explained that Michael was gone. There was a place where the barrier between our worlds was thin. Michael wanted to try and break in from there.

He kept looking at me as he spoke, guilt and fear covering his face.

Eventually he was done, going to sit in a corner and think. Jack and Mary called me over to discuss, both of them troubled.

"We can't let Michael get through." Mary said. All of us agreed.

"We should go after him." Jack added.

"Kylie?" I heard Kevin from behind me. I turned to look at him, offering him a small smile and a hand. When I turned back to Mary and Jack, both of them were looking at me with concern.

"You should tell him the truth." Mary said quietly.

"I will." I promise. "But that's not an easy thing to tell someone."

"You're not his wife." Jack said. "You married Castiel."

"Not in this universe." I pointed out. "Look, I'm sorry. I reacted to what was happening. I couldn't just look at him and tell him 'no, I'm not your dead wife, but I happen to be her amnesiac clone from the universe Michael is trying to break in on.'" I looked at the both of them. "I didn't know what to do. I still don't!"

"Just talk with him." Mary encouraged gently. "It'll be OK. If he loves his wife, and cares about you, he'll understand that you're not the same person."

I nodded at her words, and headed over to Kevin. He smiled brightly when he saw me, still unable to believe what he was seeing. "You're real." He repeated. I nodded.

"I'm real."

"You're here."

"I'm here."

"You…" He stopped, thinking. I could see something cross his eyes. "You're not supposed to be here."

"Yeah, well," I shrugged. "I am."

"No, you don't understand." He said, gripping my arm. He pulled me in close to whisper. "You're not supposed to be here. You," he glanced at the others for a moment. "You can't be here. Not here. Not now."

"I know." I repeated, offering him a kind smile. "I know, I was dead."

"You…" His breath caught. "You remember that? You remember not dying?"

"Not exactly." I started. I took a deep breath. Mary was right. I had to tell him the truth. "Look, Kevin," I stopped, hearing the talking behind me get louder.

"Jakob's right." Jonah's voice. He sounded angry. "Leaving his plans like this? The prophet?" He cast a side glance at the two of us. "It's too sloppy."

"Or he doesn't care." Archer offered.

"Doesn't care?" Jonah asked. He sounded as though the notion was incredulous.

"They're wrong." Kevin muttered.

"He knows we can't stop him." Archer pointed out. "He's probably making his move as we speak."

"No." Jack said firmly. "I can go, right now. If I can surprise Michael, I can kill him."

"Jack, no." Mary said.

"Not without me." I added. Mary shot me a glance as Kevin pulled me back.

"No. You can't go. He'll kill you!" Kevin said. "I lost you once, I can't lose you again. I… You can't be here!" He repeated.

"Do we?" I heard Mary behind me. This got Kevin's attention. "Michael could've left this map as bait. Bobby's only a day out. We should wait."

"Bobby's coming?" Kevin asked. Mary nodded. "Mary's right." Kevin told us. "Michael, he… never does anything without a reason."

"Even leave you behind?" I asked Kevin softly. I watched him flinch at those words, thinking.

"Michael. He…" He thought. "He brought you back. As a test."

"That's not what happened." I promised.

"Then tell me what did happen!" Kevin pleaded. "Please, Kylie. I know you don't like telling people things, but I thought we'd gone past that after Metatron."

"Metatron?" I asked. Kevin looked at me sharply.

"Yeah." He said slowly. "Metatron. You remember him, don't you?"

"I don't remember much of anything." I admitted honestly. The name sounded familiar, causes bits of anger and sadness to stir in me for a moment, but I remembered nothing. "I don't have my memories."

"But you remember me, right?" Kevin asked. "Bobby told you about me, and about us, at least? Right?"

"Yes, yes, he told me." I promised. Kevin stopped, thinking.

"But you remember it, right?" He tried again. "You remember me. You remember us. _You remember._ " I watched something frantic cross Kevin's eyes as he strode towards me, gripping my shoulders tightly. "Tell me you remember." He requested. "Tell me you know who I am. _TELL ME_ ," when I reached up to grasp his forearm, he stopped. His eyes landed on my hand, and for a moment I couldn't tell what it was he was seeing.

Until I looked at the ring I still wore.

"That's not the ring I gave you." He said slowly, letting go of my shoulders to grab my hand. He looked from it to me in pain. "That's not the ring. That's not, you're not," he looked back up at Jack and Mary, and realization dawned on him. "You… You're not her." Kevin accused, dropping my hand. I looked down, feeling more guilty and ashamed than I ever could.

"No." I admitted. "I'm sorry. I'm not. I don't remember a lot, that part was true, but… From the evidence we have, and the little bits I do remember… I'm not the Kylie that was from this universe." I looked back up at him. His face… He looked so hurt, so betrayed. "I'm sorry."

"You lied to me." He stated. "You tried to trick me. You tried to tell me you were my wife when," his eyes flickered to my hand again, to that ring. "That's not the ring I gave you, but you're still wearing it. You're wearing it like where you would wear a wedding ring." He looked at me with confusion. "Did you marry the other me, in the other universe?"

My silence told him everything he needed to know, but I shook my head anyways. Kevin threw his hands in the air. "You… You married someone else, in that other universe!" His voice got louder and angrier and he spoke, drawing the attention of the others. "Did you ever really love me?!"

"Kevin, calm down." I pleaded, reaching out towards him. The others were whispering and glancing about, looking between me, Jack, and Mary. They didn't know. They weren't supposed to know. I had to defuse the situation.

"Don't touch me!" Kevin shouted, smacking my hand away. He backed away until he hit the table, shaking with anger and other emotions I couldn't place. "Michael… He was right. I'll see you – _my_ you, the _real_ you – when my work is done."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Kevin?" Mary asked next. She looked from me to him. "What's wrong? What work are you talking about?" She asked the question calmly.

"Michael," Kevin stammered out. "He told me to wait… for Bobby, for all of you to be together. But I can't. Not with her." He pointed angrily at me. "He wanted you to see."

"Whatever Michael said, he was lying." Mary urged.

"Kylie, get back." Jack said, just loud enough for me to hear. I didn't, though. I stood my ground, maybe seven feet away from Kevin as he continued to speak.

"No! Michael said... that when I get to Heaven – when he lets me into Heaven – I'll get to see my Mom again." He looked at me sadly. "I'll get to see you again. The real you. The one I married. The one that loves me."

"I've been to Heaven," Mary argued. "And what's there... it's just memories. Nothing's real." Kevin just shook his head, becoming more and more irate.

"I don't care!" He shouted. "You don't understand! I... You don't know the things that I've done. I just want this to be over." I watched as he pulled his shirt open, and on it was a mark. It had been carved into his chest.

"Kylie, get back. Get back now." Mary ordered. I moved towards Kevin instead, and he placed a hand above the mark.

"Stop right there!" He shouted. I stopped, looking up at him.

"Don't do this." I begged. "I'm sorry I'm not your wife. You have no idea how much I wish I was the Kylie from this world some days. I can't even remember who I am."

"It doesn't matter. You lied to me." Kevin said. "I have my orders. I have Michael's promise." He looked at everyone else behind me. "I know what I have to do."

"Your spell won't kill me." Jack pointed out.

"Michael doesn't want to kill you. He wants to break you. He said for me to tell you that, 'Even if you win, you still lose.'" Kevin looked back at me at that. I watched his hand falter for just a moment. "Did you mean it?" He asked. "When you said you loved me earlier, did you really mean it?"

My silence was all the answer he needed.

He took a breath, re-steadying his hand. "Then I'm sorry." He said.

"Kevin, don't!" I shouted, but it was too late. He slammed his hand down on the mark. In an instant, the room began to glow an awful white. In that same moment I felt my arms come up, crossing themselves in front of my chest with open palms towards Kevin, as though to block his spell. "NO!" I screamed, squeezing my eyes shut.

And…

I felt it.

I felt his spell part around me, as though I was encased in some thin bubble. I opened my eyes, and I could see it. I could see pure and angry white energy parting around a thin bubble of gold and… purple?

Yeah. In the gold, there were little streaks of purple, like they were holding the parts to a wall together. I could see bursts of colored light moving from purple to gold and back again, but instead of the movements being quick and precise they were in slow motion. It was like everything in the world slowed down around me. I could see the slowness of the white parting around me, the gold and purple exuding from myself in thick multitudes to solidify as an encapsulating shell around me. I looked back, the movement agonizingly slow, and I saw Jack. I saw his wings, dark and shadowed in the same gold, but firm. They were covering Mary, the harsh whiteness of Kevin's spell parting around him and Mary like it was doing around me.

Jack locked eyes with me, the shock and surprise evident on his face. He thought I would be dead. He was certain he was about to watch me die.

I was pretty surprised too, in all honesty.

I looked back forwards, that same slowness overtaking me, and I almost fell back in shock. I could… I could see a face, through the barrier. A new face. A different face.

He had brown hair, short, with blue eyes. His skin was lightly tanned. He had a bit of scruff for a beard, but not anything full. There were the barest hints of a light brown jacket at his shoulders, with a tie and a white shirt. His face was framed in an oval, like a window, with a firmer gold and purple edge around it. Purple was seeping in more and more, though, quickly becoming more prominent within the gold and even starting to overtake it.

I didn't focus on that as much, though. In that moment, I focused on the man's eyes.

They looked kind, yet pained.

They were blue, like a clear sky or an untainted lake or a rare and peaceful bird.

They felt familiar.

I could almost reach out and grasp at the memory…

The light (and the figure) was gone just as soon as it had been there, and in its place… Everyone else had been turned to dust, Kevin included. The only ones left were me, Mary, and Jack.

Mary looked up at me from the ground. She seemed… absolutely astounded. "You just used magic." She stated. I nodded, taking in a few deep breaths.

"Yeah, I did." I muttered. My arms were still crossed in front of me. Out of curiosity, I turned them over so I could look at my palms and the insides of my forearms. They were covered in burn marks and ash, but they were intact. I was pretty certain the rest of me looked that way as well. "I guess that answers a pretty important question then."

It was then that I felt a wave of nausea sweep over me. I collapsed to my knees, still looking at my arms.

"Kylie?" Jack asked. His voice was too loud. It made my head hurt. And hurt. And hurt. It kept hurting more and more and more, the pain increasing faster than I could manage. I puked on the ground in front of me.

Then the ground did the funniest thing. It turned on its side, turning me with it until I was looking at the ceiling. I could just barely see Jack and Mary at the corners of my visions before it was all gone.


	14. TRIGGER WARNING - Kevin's Wrath

**TRIGGER WARNING**

 **Death, Thoughts of Suicide, Trauma/PTSD**

 **Please skip ahead if you think you may become triggered. The TL;DR is that Kylie has a trauma-induced nightmare in which both Apocalypse Kevin and Normal Kevin blame her for their respective deaths.**

 **If anyone reading this thinks there are ways I can improve this trigger warning or things I am missing in the warning, please reach out and let me know.**

I was surrounded by darkness. It was like anything that could possibly define a world had been sucked out of wherever I was. I had stable footing, stable ground, but other than that…

Nothing.

All I could see was black.

"Look at her." A familiar voice said behind me. I whirled around to see two figures. Both had dark hair that fell just barely to the level of their chin. Both had amber skin. Both were wearing a faded T-shirt and jeans. Both looked at me mockingly.

One had burnt sockets in place of eyes, but still seemed to look directly at me.

The other had the center of his chest turned to char and dust, but still seemed to stand with no difficulties.

It was Kevin. Both of them were.

"No matter what universe she's in, she still manages to screw everything up." The one with the burnt chest commented.

"Tell me about it." The other agreed. "My mom would still be alive if it wasn't for her."

"I'd still be alive if it wasn't for her." The first added. "You probably would be too."

"Kevin?" I asked them. "What… What happened?"

"What happened?" They both asked, chuckling. They pointed to their injuries simultaneously. "I'm dead. I died."

"Angels burnt out my eyes."

"Angels made me into a suicide bomber."

"Angels killed us, Kylie." They both intoned. "You were there. You could've stopped it. But you didn't. You let us die."

"No." I muttered, taking a step back. Suddenly they were behind me. I was shoved roughly forwards by the both of them, causing me to stumble.

"Yes." They both said. "You let us die. In a way, you killed us."

"I didn't." I argued. They were both in front of me again.

"You may have not pulled the trigger, but you loaded the bullets." They accused. "You handed it over. You were there, and you let it happen. You let us die. That makes you just as guilty as if you'd had the balls to do it yourself."

"No, I…" I muttered. "I tried to stop you. I tried to stop you from dying. I tried to save you!"

"Did you now?" They asked.

"You watched from the floor as Gadreel roasted me from the inside out." The one with the burnt eyes reminded me, placing a hand on my head. In an instant, I felt as though my insides were on fire. Every part of me was burning up from the inside out; exploding molecule by molecule outwards and upwards. I could see Kevin's face in a different room, alight with fear as his eyes exuded a painfully white light. I could see him crumple to the ground. I could see my own hand on his forehead.

When he removed his hand, I almost crumpled to the ground myself.

"You watched from the sidelines as I slammed my hand on the sigil." The other added, stepping forwards. He placed a hand on my chest. In an instant, I felt as though I was crumbling into ash. Where the experience with the first Kevin had felt like an explosion, this felt more like an implosion. Every particle of me, from where his hand was outwards, was collapsing in on its own flames; breaking down and crumpling to dust. There was light all around me, that same painful white light, and it was going to destroy everything in its path. I looked down, and saw my own hand on another's chest. When I looked back up it was Kevin's face, his eyes full of pain and betrayal as he disintegrated right before my eyes.

When he removed his hand, I expected to be dust myself.

But both times I wasn't hurt. I was alive.

"Why do you keep doing this?" They asked. "Why do you keep letting us die? Why do you keep watching it happen? Why don't you do something to save us?!" As they spoke their voices got louder and louder, angrier and angrier. "You were there! You were in the room with us! You could've stopped this!"

"You could've killed Gadreel!"

"You could've pulled my hand away!"

"You could've saved me!" Their voices became one at that point. "We didn't have to die! We could've lived! You did this to us!" Their voices became somewhat separate then. "We're dead because of you!"

"You called me your friend, and you watched me die!" The one with burnt eyes shouted.

"You called me your lover, but it was all just a lie!" The other added.

"You loved him?!" The first exclaimed, turning to look at his doppelganger for a moment. The one with the burnt chest nodded.

"She married me." He said. "She said she loved me. She said she would protect me. But it was all just a lie."

"Which was it, Kylie?" They both asked, whirling on me in an instant.

"Lover?" Chest.

"Or friend?" Eyes. "Companion?"

"Or husband?" Chest.

They both scoffed. "It's not like it makes a difference. Look at us!" They screeched. "No matter the choices you make, the things you alter, the ending is the same. WE DIE!"

"You watched as an angel burnt my soul out of my body!"

"You left me to destroy myself, and everyone else I could in that blast!"

"Why didn't you die too?!" They both asked.

"Gadreel could've easily killed you too, and should've."

"That sigil should've blown you to ashes, too."

"Why aren't you dead with us?!" They screamed. "Why do you get to live, and we get to die?!"

"I don't know." I was crying. I couldn't help it.

"We'd be ALIVE if it wasn't for you! Why do you do this, Kylie? Why did you let us die?! Why do you let everyone around you die?! We trusted you! You said you would protect us!" They were both so angry. So hurt. So betrayed. "You said you would be there! You promised me!"

"I know." I could feel the tears in my voice as I spoke; the sobs on my face. I knew they were right. I'd promised to protect them. I'd promised to keep them… keep him… safe. "I'm sorry, Kevin. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" They exclaimed. "Sorry doesn't mean JACK SHIT! Sorry doesn't bring us back!"

"Sorry doesn't fix my eyes." He pointed to them for emphasis.

"Sorry doesn't fix my chest." He pointed to it for emphasis.

"Sorry doesn't bring my mom back." He pointed away, and in the distance I could barely make out the figure of a woman.

"Sorry doesn't bring our marriage back." He held his hand out towards me, bringing my attention back in to see the ring on his hand.

"Sorry doesn't change the fact that we're dead, and you're still alive!" They both declared. They were so loud. "What makes you better than us?! What God or Fate or Destiny or whatever force in the universe gets to make that choice? What gives you the right to keep on living and forces the right on us to die?!"

"I could be in college!" The Kevin with burnt eyes reminded me. "I could've had a normal life. I could've gotten my mom back. I could've had a future!"

"I loved you." The Kevin with the burnt chest continued. "I could've had a family. I could've been a better man, a better prophet. I could've had a future!"

"We could've lived!" They screamed. "We could've had a future! We could've had a life! We had choices! We had destinies! We had options! And YOU SCREWED IT ALL UP!" They were right in front of me, always right in front of me; inescapable no matter where I turned. "YOU LET US DIE, KYLIE! NOT SAM OR DEAN. NOT JACK OR MARY. NOT LUCIFER OR GOD OR MICHAEL OR GADREEL. YOU!" They shoved me backwards, causing me to land hard on my back. I felt my skull explode in pain as it hit the ground I couldn't see. "You could've saved us from the angels. You could've saved us from the demons. But you didn't! You let us be held for months, be tortured!"

"By angels." Burnt chest.

"By demons." Burnt eyes.

"By God's divine words." Both.

"At Michael's hands." Burnt chest.

"At Crowley's hands." Burnt eyes.

"By your inability to save us!" Both. Both of them were standing above me, forcing me to see and remember everything they said. A battered and bruised Kevin, scared and scattered as he was dragged into the room with me. A Kevin beside me in a chair, screaming in agony. "You let it happen, Kylie! You did!"

"All she cared about was her angel lover." The one with the burnt eyes sneered. The other looked at him in shock.

"Angel lover?" He asked, turning to me. "Angel lover?! You chose to marry the enemy?! What does that make me then? Second place? The backup? The one you settled for because you couldn't get your hands on the species that DESTROYED THE UNIVERSE?!"

"And what about me?" The other asked. "Why didn't I deserve to be loved? Why did you keep looking past me? I was there when the angel wasn't. I was there from the very beginning! Why did you marry him, but not me?"

"Why did you choose an angel?" The one with the burnt chest added. "Angels KILLED US! YOU KILLED US!"

"I know." I sobbed. "I know."

"Why can't you just do the right thing and DIE?!" They both demanded. "Take the gun you keep loading up and finally point it towards your own body!"

"Point it to your eyes."

"Point it to your chest."

"Point it to your own lying, hateful heart," they both demanded. "And pull the trigger!" I looked down at my hands and saw they were perfectly pristine. No damage. No wear and tear. Not even dampness from wiping at my tears. They looked absolutely fine in comparison to the two before me.

The only thing they held was a gun. I could tell it was loaded. I don't know how, but I knew.

"You don't deserve to live." They both stated. "You have played with our lives too much to get to keep that right. Now it's time for us to be judge and jury. Your job is to be the executioner. That's always been your job." I kept crying as I looked at the gun in my hands. "Why be a coward? You've done it to us twice now. You've done it to countless others. You keep standing by and letting others do your dirty work. You keep justifying your conscience by saying it wasn't your fault. It's time to own up to your actions Kylie, and pull the trigger." I looked back up at them, but they were gone. Instead a cracked wall stood before me, grey and gold and purple and depressing. I could still hear their voices though. They were so loud and insistent. They were screaming in my ears. "Do it! Just fucking do it! You don't deserve to live, we did! Pull the trigger and do it, Kylie!" I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop my hands. I couldn't stop myself from turning the gun, and aiming the barrel at my heart. "DO IT!" They screamed. They wouldn't stop screaming those words.

I couldn't stop my finger from tightening on the trigger.

I couldn't stop myself from sitting up straight where I laid, screaming as I woke from the dream.

I couldn't stop myself from crying as Mary and Jack and Bobby all rushed into the room, asking questions I couldn't answer.

I couldn't stop hearing Kevin's voices in my mind, screaming that I was a coward and that I didn't deserve to live.

I couldn't stop looking at the angel blades across the room, and thinking they were right.

I couldn't bring myself to grab them, either.


	15. Figuring Out Magic

Jack, Bobby, and Mary didn't leave my side until I had calmed down more. Jack noticed how I kept glancing at the blades, and moved them out of the room quietly. I didn't talk much at all, I just… I couldn't get Kevin's voices out of my head. They were still so loud, ringing louder than anything else.

I finally spoke when I could get past them.

"I'm fine." I promised them all. They were stunned for a moment. Those were the first words I'd said for at least an hour.

"You woke up screaming." Jack argued bluntly.

"Just a," I paused, thinking. I couldn't find a word that felt correct, even with options coming to mind. Nightmare was too tame. Nothing was too dismissive. "I... I can't explain it." I finally said. Those words felt like a lie, though.

"Kylie…" Mary's voice was soft and concerned. "You… You saved yourself back there. You used magic to stop Kevin's suicide spell from killing you." I flinched a little at her words. When I glanced over at Bobby, his face held no surprise.

They'd told him. Of course, they'd told him. If I was them I would've done the same.

"Yeah." I muttered. "I know."

"Do you know how you did it?" She asked.

"No." I shook my head, looking down a little. "I just didn't want to die. I… I should've just died."

"What are you talking about?" Bobby asked. I looked over at him and I couldn't help it. I just started crying again.

"I'm sorry, Bobby." I promised. "I'm so, so sorry."

"It's OK, kiddo." He assured. "Just talk it out, OK?"

"I lied to Kevin." I admitted. "I told him I was his wife. I told him I loved him. I told him everything he wanted to hear and it was all a lie. I made him do it. I lied to him and I couldn't stop him. I should've stopped him!" I slammed my fist into the bedframe, and for a moment remembered another memory. I was screaming. Agony. Painful, both physical and emotional. Someone had died. They shouldn't have died.

I screamed and created fissures in the ground beneath me.

But when I looked at the bedframe, there was nothing. My hand hurt a little. That was about it.

I knew that Mary and Jack had been expecting something else too. I looked at them all in despair. "Why didn't I die?" I asked, pained. "Why can't I do anything to save people?! Why couldn't I save the others?"

"That wasn't your job, Kylie." Jack said. "You didn't make that promise to them."

"They relied on me too! Kevin…" I couldn't tell which one I was seeing in my mind- the burnt eyes or the burnt chest.

Maybe both, merged together.

I started hearing his voice in my head again, screaming and crying out my failures.

"It's alright, Kylie." Bobby assured me. "It's alright. I promise. Let's just talk it out slowly, alright?" I took a few deep breaths, nodding. Bobby's voice was helping keep the Kevins quiet.

"OK."

"You gotta calm down for that, though." He reminded me. I didn't look at him. I couldn't do it. He wanted me to be calm? I'll explain everything, sure. I'll tell him exactly everything so he can see the kind of coward that's posing as his family.

But how could I be calm when I looked him in the eyes and told him I couldn't do anything to save anyone? How could I look at him calmly when I couldn't use magic to save anyone but myself, and even then I still had no clue how to use the powers themselves. How in the hell was I supposed to look at him and tell him, in the calmest way, that he should've left me out in the wastes where he found me – left me for whatever came across to destroy.

How in the hell was I supposed to walk through any of this calmly?

Jack put a hand on my arm, startling me. I felt myself jerk to face him, and for a moment instead of seeing him I saw Kevin again. I blinked, scared, and saw Jack's face. He was concerned. He was smiling. He offered my arm a light squeeze.

"It's OK." He promised. "Kylie, it's alright."

"No, it's not." I muttered. "I can't remember anything, I can't control any sort of magic that I'm supposed to have, and I can't keep the people I care about safe."

"You're doing the best you can." He promised.

"It's not enough." I watched him glance up at Mary and Bobby when I said that. "I… I'm not enough. I just keep killing people." I couldn't save Kevin. I couldn't save Jo or her family. I couldn't save everyone back in that compound.

All I could do was save myself.

"You are enough." Jack promised. "Do you know what you did back there?"

"I watched Kevin die." I said. Twice.

"You used magic." Jack reminded me. "Powerful magic." I glanced down at my arms, and saw that they were completely smooth. It was as though all the hair had been burned off.

"I…" I thought for a moment. "I should've died, like everyone else. But I didn't. I didn't want to die there. I didn't want to die like that. I…"

 _"Think of me as… The you that wants to live. The you that can live, and that can make sure we both make it out of this." She was wearing a white dress and looked younger than me._

"I didn't want to die." I admitted.

I didn't want to die.

I hadn't wanted to die in that memory, and I hadn't wanted to die in that compound.

I had wanted to live.

"Magic is intent, Kylie." Jack reminded me. "You didn't want to die. You wanted to live. You reacted instinctually in the moment. Your magic reacted to save you."

"I don't know how to make it keep working, though." I said. "I don't know how to control any of this. I didn't even think I could do magic."

"That's OK." Jack promised. I could see a bit of a smile on his face. "That… That's perfectly OK."

"How in the hell is that OK?" I asked. "I… I don't even know what all I can do. There could be things I can do that are extremely dangerous." I glanced over at Mary. "Tell me. Tell me everything you knew I could do as a witch."

"I don't think I should." She answered quickly.

"Why? Because there were dangerous things I could do?" I asked. "Because I knew how to hurt people with these powers?"

"You did so much more than just that." She argued quickly, but there it was. An admittance.

She'd probably even seen me hurt people with these powers.

I watched her face sink slowly at the words she had said.

I turned back to Bobby. "You met me, when I was a witch. You saw a little of what I could do. Did I look dangerous?" He didn't answer. "Did I look like I had power? Did I look like someone to fear?"

"You looked like my family." He said quietly. "And you still do. Magic or not, you're still family." He glanced around the room a little. "We're all family. We're all in this together."

Nobody said anything for a few moments, just letting the weight of Bobby's words sink in. Nobody in this room besides him was from this universe, but me and Mary had been alive on this side too; Bobby had told me. Bobby had known the both of us from this universe.

Jack wasn't from here, Bobby didn't know him at all, but by now Bobby considered Jack family.

I wasn't alone. I had family. I could… I could figure this out with them.

"OK." I nodded. "Family. OK."

"And we're gonna figure this out like a family." Bobby promised. He settled back in his chair a little, glancing over at Jack. "You're the magic expert here. What do you think?"

"I…" Jack thought for a few moments, and I watched him chuckle slightly.

"What?" Mary asked. Jack laughed a little louder, smiling wider with it.

"Kylie taught me how to control my powers." He reminded us. "Kylie, you taught me how to control myself and how to use these abilities."

"So?"

"It's just a little humorous that I'm the one to teach you it now." He replied, still chuckling. The looks from myself, Mary, and Bobby were enough to get him to stop after a few moments. "Got it. This is serious. Sorry." He took a breath, thinking for a moment. "You knew how to command fire."

"What?" Bobby and I asked at the same time. I looked between Mary and Jack, and saw nods on both sides. "Fire? Really?"

"Really." Mary promised. "There was a lot of other things, but you got your start with fire."

"How do you know that?"

"I read it in your file." She said. At my confused look, she shrugged. "Long story. But fire is a good place to start."

"Ok…" I took a deep breath. "Fire. What else? I… I can protect myself."

"That one is new to me." Mary admitted. "I've seen you push people back, but pushing back an angel's spell… That was new."

"Hold on." Bobby left the room, and after a few moments returned with a pen and some paper. I watched as he wrote two things on opposite ends at the top – SEEN and NEW. "OK, so you've done fire before," he wrote FIRE down under the word SEEN. "But not the thing to stop the angel spell." He wrote MAGIC SHIELD down under NEW. "What else do we know for certain you have the capability to do?" He looked at Mary and Jack expectantly, waiting. After a few moments, they started rattling off some things.

Teleportation.

Ward making.

Spellcrafting.

Healing.

Levitation.

Moving objects.

Enchanting things.

Force Push, as Jack called it.

Those were the things they were certain of. Jack was listing what he remembered Castiel telling him, and Mary was going off of everything she'd seen.

"I…" I spoke up after they were done. "I can close Rifts." I added.

"Yep." Bobby muttered. He wrote ADVANCED SPELLCASTING under the SEEN part. "I remember seeing you set that one up." Something about how he wrote it didn't feel right, but I couldn't argue when Mary started nodding too.

"It was a good spell, too." She commented. "Powerful enough to counteract Jack before he was even born." At that, she stopped, looking between me and Jack.

"What?" I asked.

"Counteract Jack…" She muttered, looking back at me. "You used magic."

"Yeah."

"In the compound."

"Yeah."

"While Jack was shielding me."

"Yeah."

"You used your powers while Jack was using his." She stated.

"Yeah, I…" I stopped, realizing what she was getting at. I looked over at Jack. "The wings thing, was that magic?"

"Yeah, why," Jack stopped, hopping on board the same train of thought as the rest of us.

I'd used magic while Jack had been using magic.

I hadn't crumpled to the ground in pain.

I'd been perfectly fine until after I'd stopped doing the magic thing. No headaches. No nausea. No crippling death stabbing at my skull.

I'd been fine.

"OK." I muttered. "Immune to the headaches I get from Jack. That… That's new."

Bobby wrote JACK IMMUNITY under the NEW side.

"Is there anything else we're missing?" Bobby asked. Everyone shook their heads. "Alright. Jack, where's the best place to start off this list?"

"You started me with the force push." Jack told me, thinking. "But you started yourself with fire, according to Mary."

"Great. Try both." Bobby encouraged. Everyone turned to look at him, bewildered.

"What if I light something on fire?" I asked. I heard Jack snicker a little. "What if the curtains bite the dust?" Again. A little voice murmured that word quietly in the back of my mind.

"What curtains?" Bobby asked. I glanced around my room. There were none. I pushed it off.

"You know what I mean." I said. "What if I hurt someone?"

"Do what normal people do when they're practicing shooting and don't wanna hurt nobody." Bobby said plainly. "Go out in the middle of the woods." I blinked a few times, looking from him to Mary to Jack. Nobody offered any other ideas.

"And what if I set the entire forest on fire?" I asked. Bobby chuckled.

"That's assuming you can do it." He pointed out. "The way I see it, this is a win-win scenario. Either you can do fire or the force push or whatever, and if you hurt anything it's too far away from here to hurt us and you can do magic. If not," he shrugged. "No big deal. We'll call whatever happened in that place with the three of you a fluke."

"That was an option this whole time?" I asked. He shook his head.

"Not really, but if it makes you feel better to think that way princess then you can." He shrugged, standing up. "You can do this. Quit whining on your scared high horse and go out there."


	16. React

Jack was all too excited to bring me out into the woods. "I can't believe we didn't do this before! We all just… just assumed that you couldn't do things, but actually trying to test them!" He sounded cheery. "Of course doing the written and outlined stuff backfired the first time. That's not where your talents are! It's in this! Pure magic. Pure use!" He smiled broadly at me.

I chose to not ask what he meant when he said "the first time." It was probably best if I didn't know.

"And what you did, it was when you were in danger." He cheered. "You reacted on pure instinct. Your body and your mind remembers, somewhere, how to defend yourself! This is good!" He looked over at me, and saw the still expression on my face. "This… This is good, right? You can do magic. You'll be happier."

"What do you mean?" I asked. "I… I'm enough without it, right?"

"No, you are!" He said quickly. "You absolutely are! I just… I remember the look on your face when you'd talk about it. You looked…" He thought for a moment. "Like there were good memories. Proud memories."

"Proud?" I asked.

"You made sure that I didn't feel ashamed of what I could do." Jack explained. "You did a lot to ensure I knew that what I could do was something to… to not be afraid of."

"Oh." I let that sink in. "I… I was good at it?"

"Very." Jack assured me.

"As good as you?" He laughed at that.

"I was told even better."

"Wow." I muttered. "And, when I… When I had magic," I thought for a moment. "I saved people, right? Like you?"

"Yes." He promised. "I was told you saved many people."

"What about the Kevin in the other world?" I asked.

"I don't know." He said. No. He looked as though he felt awkward talking about Kevin. "I never knew that Kevin existed in our world. I never met him." He cast me a sideways glance. "You didn't marry him, just so you remember." He said firmly. "Not in our world."

"Not the point." I muttered. "What about Jo? Or the Harvelles? Did I save them?"

"I never met them either." Another no.

"What about Mary?" I asked. "She ended up here. With Lucifer." They'd filled me in on the details a while back. "I couldn't save her from Lucifer, could I?"

"That wasn't your fault."

"So, no." I said. "Jack, have I actually ever saved anyone besides myself with magic? Anyone that you know of?" Jack opened his mouth to speak, then shut it again. I let out a huff of air. "I thought so." I muttered. "Jack, if I can't save people I don't know how useful this is."

"You can save people!" Jack promised me. "You… you probably have saved people that I don't even know about! We'll ask Mary. We'll ask Castiel and Sam and Dean when they get here! I just… I know you've saved people." Jack promised. "You just don't remember all the good you can do."

I kept quiet this time, trying to believe in what Jack was saying.

Once we were far enough out, Jack stopped us. "Alright. This is a good place." He looked around, thinking. "Force push is best. That seems really close to what you did earlier."

"Force push." I muttered. "OK. Force push." I stopped for a moment. "What's force push, exactly?" He offered me an odd look before, well…

He remembered that I didn't.

"Oh yeah." He muttered. "OK. So, force push is like," he picked up a rock and tossed it in the air. "It's like being able to do that, but pushing it away from you instead." To explain, he threw the rock straight at a tree in front of him. The rock bounced off harmlessly and fell to the ground. "Except you can hold it there, and keep pushing it into the tree if you want. It's like… Like a magic shield that you can push people and things with."

"OK." I muttered. "Magic shield. I… I have a magic shield. I used a magic shield."

"Yes!"

"I don't know how I did it." I admitted.

"That's OK! I didn't know either!" He assured me. "When I did it, I just… I just kind of did. And you taught me how to control it from just doing it to, well," he shrugged, and motioned to a larger boulder off to the left. He pushed a hand out to it, and it was pushed backwards a few feet. I felt my head pulse with pain, but it wasn't crippling. It was manageable.

Jack put his hand down immediately at seeing me wince. I wasn't down at the ground, though. I was OK. I was still standing.

"Like that?" I asked. He nodded.

"Yeah." He said. "Like that."

"OK." I agreed. "Just… Just push it back." I got up and walked towards the boulder, taking a look at it. I started to push it, curious. It was… Big. Heavy. I pushed hard against it, trying to move it myself.

Unsurprisingly, it didn't budge.

"You…" Jack looked at me concerned. "That… That's not how it works."

"I figured if I knew how it felt to move the boulder, it would be easier to, well," I shrugged, leaning against the object in question. "Move the boulder."

"Oh." I saw Jack think for a moment, then smile. "Oh! Of course! I remember doing that!"

"You do?"

"Yes!" He smiled. "OK. So, I know it's hard to imagine doing something you can't physically do, but, just…" he shrugged. "I don't know. Try? Pretend that you can. Imagine that you can anyways."

"OK." I nodded. I raised a hand experimentally, pointing it at the boulder. "Just… Just imagine pushing the boulder. Imagine pushing the boulder. The big," I took another look at it. "Heavy," I commented, my hand falling slightly. "Rock." I muttered.

My hand fell back to my side as I stared at it.

"What's wrong?" Jack asked.

"I don't," I took a breath, thinking as I stared at the thing. "I… I don't think I can do it." I admitted.

"You didn't even try." Jack pointed out.

"Because this is stupid." I argued, turning from the boulder to Jack. "Look, what happened," I blinked and saw Kevin, shrouded in gold. I blinked again, and he was gone. "Back there. It was a fluke. Maybe Kevin just didn't want to kill me after all, and he directed the spell."

"He didn't." Jack said certainly. "I could feel it. It was all you."

"But I don't know how I did it."

"Well, you told me once that magic is about intent." He repeated. "And earlier you said you didn't want to die. You just have to want the rock to move." He said.

"So, I just want things to happen, and they happen?" I asked.

"It's not exactly that simple," Jack tried. "It's just the easiest way to explain it. Just try again. Want the rock to move."

"Fine." I held a hand up to the boulder again. Move. I wanted the boulder to move. I wanted to watch the boulder move backwards. Or sideways. Or really any direction. I needed the boulder to move. If the stupid rock moved, then we could get going and I could learn to control it. It just has to move.

Nothing happened.

Nothing moved.

The boulder stayed right where it was, mocking me.

"Try thinking about a specific direction!" Jack encouraged. "Or a specific place you want it to move to!"

Specific.

Fine.

I want the boulder to move three feet to the left. I want the stupid boulder to move three stupid feet to the left. "Move." I muttered, shifting my hand sideways to accentuate my point.

Nothing happened.

"You can do it!" Jack encouraged.

"No, I can't." I argued, lowering my hand. "I don't know how to do it."

"Yes, you do!"

"No, I don't." I felt my voice growing just a little louder. I turned to face the Nephilim. "Jack, I'm not like you. Magic isn't a naturally ingrained part of me, and I can't remember a time when it was."

"But you can."

"I quite literally can't." I pointed out, motioning to the boulder. "It's not moving. I'm not doing anything. I'm sorry." I shrugged. "It's not happening."

I started walking back, my steps aimed towards camp. "I'll tell Bobby it was a flop. Don't worry."

"Don't." Jack said. His words came out like an attempt at a command. I kept walking. "Kylie, stop. We can do this. You didn't let me give up!"

"I'm not that person anymore!" I tossed the words over my shoulder angrily.

"Kylie, stop!" Jack shouted. From there…

I felt it before I saw it.

I turned around, and saw a small pulse of gold moving towards me. Jack stood behind it, his hand outstretched and his stance frustrated. I could see his face change from anger to fear as the pulse travelled towards me.

I reacted on instinct, putting a hand out. I could feel the intent of this. To stop me. To stop my movement so Jack could talk to me.

I didn't want to talk. I didn't want Jack to use his powers like that.

I wanted to go.

When the pulse reached me, I let my hand dip into it slightly. I could feel it, like liquid gold that was both hot and cold and comforting all at the same time, racing up my arm.

I made a fist, and closed off the flow of gold from Jack's energy to myself. I couldn't stop it, by far, but I…

I didn't quite know what I'd done.

The rest of the energy hit me the moment I blinked, freezing me in place. Jack came up to me quickly, putting a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry!" He exclaimed. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just wanted you to stop and listen and I remembered when you wouldn't give up on me and," he paused, looking at my arm. When I looked down, I could still see gold racing up and into me for just a few moments until it disappeared. "And that's new." He commented. He looked up at my eyes. "You didn't fall. You did… something." I watched a smile grow on his face before he jumped into the air. "YES! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!"

"What did I even do?" I asked. I knew the answer, in the back of my mind. I'd… I'd stolen power. I'd taken some of the power in Jack's blast and siphoned off from it. I could even see the tinges of gold at the corners of my vision again.

"Something new." He decided. I watched him think for a few moments. "I've got it!" He ran off a few feet, looking for something in the dirt. What he ended up with was a large rock, easily bigger than his hand. "You did magic in reaction to being in danger. You did magic in reaction to me. You _react!_ " He tossed the rock once in the air, and I watched as he held it in place a few feet above his hand. He watched my face closely, examining my reactions.

My head hurt a little bit, but… I was fine. I wasn't collapsing any time soon.

"What does all of this mean?" I asked. "And what are you doing with the rock?"

"You react!" He repeated. "I did magic best when it was with something I liked, or something that makes me happy. You taught me to do it by remembering happy things. But you don't remember anything that could work." He explained. "You remember, right now, reacting to the situation around you and adjusting to it."

"I guess, but what does that have to do with anything?" I asked.

"It means you won't move the rock without a good reason to." Jack said. "It means that you have to react to the situation you're in."

"So?"

"It means," I watched him glance up at the rock. " _React_."

He pushed his hand out towards me, and the rock came flying at my head.


	17. There Was a Rock

There was a rock.

Flying at my head.

And a smiling, happy, completely certain Jack that magic would save me and that I would react with magic.

The rock hit me square in the side of my forehead, knocking me to the ground without much effort.

I let out a string of curses, cupping my forehead. It was already tender and swelling and… was that blood? Yeah, it was. It was bleeding. "Really, Jack?!" I shouted. "Throwing a rock at me was a good idea?!"

"I…" I heard footsteps grow nearer as he knelt beside me. "I thought you'd stop it." He muttered.

"Based on what evidence?!" I shouted.

"You… You knew I was stopping you." He said. "I felt you do something when I did. You weren't even hurt when I started using my powers, they didn't hurt you. Your arm," he motioned to it, and as we both looked the glowing was gone. "I… You react… I…" He stopped, looking at the hand on my head. "I hurt you. I actually hurt you."

The look on his face was one of pure shame and fear.

And as admittedly angry that I was over the fact that he'd just lobbed a freakin' rock at my skull, I didn't want to see that look on his face. I didn't want to see him feeling like this.

"Hey," I offered him a sideways smile, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It's alright."

"No it's not. I hurt you." He said. "I hurt people still. I keep hurting people."

"Everyone hurts people sometimes." I said. "If what Mary says is true then Ketch has hurt a lot of people. Mary's probably wanting to hurt him back." I could see Jack flash a little bit of a smile. "I'm sure Bobby's hurt some people, intentionally and unintentionally. Ke-" I couldn't say his name for a second. It caught in my throat, and I could see Kevin's face in my mind. "Kevin hurt people." I muttered. Jack's face fell. "And I hurt Kevin. And I know I hurt you and Mary and Bobby every day," Jack interrupted before I could continue.

"You don't hurt me." He said quickly. I offered him a smile.

"It's OK if I do." I said. "It's OK to admit that, and I know why. It's not a physical pain, it's more of an emotional one." I pursed my lips. "It's because I can't remember things, or because I usually can't be around you when you use your powers. That's taxing on you guys. I know that."

"It's not your fault."

"And it's not yours either." I said.

"I'm pretty certain throwing a rock at you purposefully was my fault." Jack stated plainly. I shrugged. He had a point.

"Fair enough. But," I moved my hand. Jack looked up at the wound I had been covering. "It doesn't hurt anymore, and it'll be perfectly healed soon enough." I offered Jack a smile, poking at the spot a little. "See? Not even bleeding."

Jack kept staring at the wound, his eyes wide with amazement.

He didn't blink, didn't even look back at me, just kept staring at it.

"What?" I asked, touching it again. I looked at my hand and saw… Nothing. I could've sworn I felt it bleeding, but there was nothing. No blood. No red. No stains. No anything. "It…" I took a moment to find my words. "My head isn't bleeding, is it?" I asked. Jack shook his head. "That's because there's nothing there, isn't it?" A nod. "No wound?" Nod. "No markings." Nod. "Not even any swelling?" Nod. "Like I," I couldn't finish the sentence, but Jack could.

"You healed it with magic." Jack said slowly. I watched a smile grow across his face. I had nothing I could look in to see, but the look on Jack's face was clarification enough. "You healed it with magic!" He said again, this time much more excitedly! "You react! Your emotions! I forgot you taught me it was emotions!" He grasped my hands with excitement, pulling me up and into a hug. "You can do magic! You can do it!"

"I…" I couldn't see it. I had no idea of knowing whether or not he was right or, more importantly, what in the HELL he was talking about with emotions. "Jack. Jack!" He stopped his energetic repetitions, looking me in the eyes.

"You made me remember something that made me feel." Jack said. "You taught me how to light a candle on fire. It wasn't just intent, I had to add a purpose and a feeling to it. Intent just controlled, well," he shrugged. "The intent. But you made me think of something that made me feel warm, something I could associate with the fire. You told me about it. You described your own memory to me. You don't know how it feels to use the magic, but you know how other emotions you can associate with it feel."

"You're not making a lot of sense." I pointed out.

"When you were talking with me, what emotions and ideas were you feeling?" Jack pressed. "What things were you thinking?"

"I…" I shrugged. "I was thinking that I was annoyed, at first. Then I felt bad. You looked so sad and unhappy. I wanted to make you feel better. I know you try hard, so I wanted to fix it, you know?" I shrugged. "Do what I could to make you smile."

"Your intent was to make me feel better." Jack explained. "And the emotion behind that is fixing and healing and making things better." He gestured to my head. "So… You did."

I looked at the ground, and saw the rock Jack had gotten me with. In the back of my mind, I could see myself throwing a rock before. I'd done it countless times while walking on patrols to test the areas around me. I wanted to throw the rock.

I knew how to throw the rock.

The emotions and thoughts behind it were few safety, as well as somewhat to keep myself from being too bored.

Being able to do it now would make Jack happy. It would make Bobby and Mary extremely happy too.

And, in all honesty, it would make me a little happy too. I could be a little more useful. I could get something back in my life that I'd lost.

Just throw a rock, and I can get something back.

I put my hand out above it, thinking on those ideas. I've thrown a rock before. I could see it. I've seen myself picking up the rock and doing it. It felt like a natural extension – a stretch of my own person. Doing that sometimes – in reaction to boredom and the need to fix it – it made me feel kinda happy, even.

Like moving the rock would make me feel. Like... Like it had before in the past.

The rock flew up to my hand quickly, and I caught it in my grasp.


	18. One More Rock

We practiced like hell once I could prove I could control it. That was the difficult part. I couldn't do it on command well. Jack tested his reactionary theory again, which proved much more successful the second time around. Doing it as just an action, though?

That took more effort than it should. I could see it in Jack's eyes. I could move myself out of the way of an attack and push an attack away, but attacking in turn?

I could throw a rock.

That wasn't much good against angels.

It was a form of progress, but it was slow progress. I felt that Jack expected me to suddenly just remember everything once I could do magic.

But that wasn't the case.

Instead after a few hours my blocks and evades became less and less reactionary, and I started taking more and more hits. I was, in all honesty, tired. I could feel my head start to hurt and nausea begin to surface. "Jack, I have to stop."

"What?"

"I have to stop." I repeated. "I can't keep up. I feel drained." For an example, I held up my hand. A rock limply floated about a foot off the ground in front of me before it fell back down to the ground. I slumped forwards with the fall of the rock, bracing my arms on my knees. "I can't keep going." I repeated. I was starting to breath hard. My mouth was watering like I was about to be sick. My head still hurt, and on impulse I put a hand to it. "I can't, Jack."

I heard him pause, thinking. "It's almost sunset." He said decisively. "We'll take a break, go over what we've learned with Mary and Bobby. They'll want to stay in the know."

"OK." I agreed, nodding. I still felt sick. I couldn't quite get up, instead the sickness rising within me until –

Well, you really don't need to know what I ate that morning. All you need to know is that it surfaced on the ground in front of me in a momentarily uncontrollable manner.

Jack, for his credit, reacted quickly and held my hair back until I was done. "Thanks." I muttered, using the bottom of my shirt to wipe off my mouth. "Does that normally happen?"

"Not to me." He said. "And usually not to you."

"Great." I muttered, taking a deep breath. I took a moment to look around myself. "You're right. It's getting darker. Let's head back."

"Should we tell Bobby and Mary that you got sick?" He asked. I shook my head.

"No. That'll just worry them." I said. "I… I did good, right?" I asked. "I did it. I actually did the magic stuff?"

"You did good." Jack assured me, helping me right myself to standing again. "It was… better, actually seeing you do magic."

"Oh yeah." I muttered. "You never saw me do it."

"Mary has." Jack explained. "I'm pretty certain Bobby has. You taught me, but I never got to see you do it. You just explained it to me, and Castiel explained about what you could do. He showed me little things, like a rock you'd have."

"A rock?" I asked. Jack nodded. "Like the one you threw at me?"

"No, a different one." He laughed. "One that you'd enchanted. You both had one."

"Why would I enchant a rock?"

"It was all you had in your pockets at the time." Jack said. "That's what Castiel told me."

"OK. I enchanted a rock because I didn't have anything else." I said. "What did it do?"

"You and Castiel had spent a lot of time apart, and were afraid of hearing one of you had died without being a way to prove it." Jack explained. "So you enchanted two rocks so that you'd always know."

"Oh." I muttered. "I… I don't recall having a rock on me."

"You left yours in the Bunker." Jack explained. "I… I found it. I was passed out, but I could still kind of hear you talking about it, and later on when you weren't at the Bunker, I found Castiel's room and found the rock."

"Oh." I repeated. I wasn't quite certain what else to say for a moment. "You didn't bring this up in front of Mary and Bobby."

"I know." He admitted. "I didn't want to."

"Why?"

"Because," I could watch him thinking for a moment. "Because when Castiel came back, I went and took it to make sure that it was real and that he was alive." I watched him reach into his pockets, and pull out a small rock. "Because I took it, and I kept it. I'm sorry." He held the rock between two fingers, holding it out for me to see as the both of us thought.

"I talked about it," I repeated, feeling something tugging in the back of my mind.

 _I was rooting around my pockets, like Jack had just done. After a few moments of rooting around I felt a hard rock that felt icy to touch._

 _It was going to stay that way. I was certain of it._

 _I looked up and saw someone with shaggy brown hair staring back at me. They were asking me a question. I couldn't remember my answer, just that I sat against metal and stared at the rock in my hand._

 _If it was warm, he'd be alive. But it was cold. Nothing I did warmed the rock back up._

 _I felt myself place it somewhere else, not where I was then, in a different memory. I couldn't cry. I was tired of crying._

 _It was never supposed to be him. It was always supposed to be me._

I blinked, and the rock was in my hand. Jack closed my fingers over it. He was talking. "Kylie? Kylie?" he asked.

"They weren't for me." I remembered. "They were for him more than me."

"What was?"

"The rocks." I said, grasping the one in my hand tightly. It was warm and comforting. "They were so that he'd know I was alive. They were because he was worried because I kept being called dead. It…"

 _It was supposed to be me._

"He wasn't supposed to die." I said quietly. I didn't know exactly what I was talking about, but I knew that whatever I was saying was correct. "I… It was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the one that died."

"What? Who are you talking about? Do you mean Kevin?" Hearing Kevin's name made me wince, but I shook my head.

"No. Well, yes," I pursed my lips. "But not when I made these. Not when… When I remember." I couldn't grasp it enough to make more sense. "I… Who's the man with the hair?"

"Sam?" Jack responded instinctively. I paused for just a moment, glancing over at Jack.

"I literally described him just as 'the guy with the hair' and you already have a name in mind?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Messy brown hair, goes down to about here?" Jack asked, motioning to his shoulders for the 'here'.

"Yeah." I was shocked at how accurate he was. "And he looked very tall."

"Yeah." Jack nodded, offering a smile and a shrug. "Sam. Why?"

"I remembered him." I said. Those words made Jack smile more. "I… I saw him. He was sitting on a weird cot, attached to a wall. I pulled out the rock and was talking about it, but I… I can't remember what I said. I just," I felt the words trail off away from me. I didn't quite know what I should say. "I think you should keep this." I said quickly, pushing the rock back into Jack's hand. His face fell. "He's your father." I explained. "You remember him more than I do. So, keep track of it for me." I saw a bit of confusion in his eyes. "Until I can remember enough to take it back." I offered.

That made him smile again.

"Alright." He agreed. He placed it back in his pocket, still wearing a small smile.

Telling Mary and Bobby what we accomplished made the two of them smile as well.

Trying to tell them three days later that continuing to try was making me sick just made them worried. None of us could peg why it was getting increasingly more difficult to accomplish on my end. Jack was afraid to throw more things at me on the react theory, but the react theory was still the best option we had.

So when three days later, Charlie approached me asking for help in a rescue mission, I accepted without a second's thought. Charlie still thought I was just a normal human. She wouldn't expect magic out of me.

Neither of us told Mary that Ketch was coming with us. Ketch thought I was just the Kylie from this universe as well, and even though he wasn't a fan of my joining Charlie stood firm. Apparently the other me had been a staunch advocate of rescuing those captured, and Charlie wanted to bring me out on one. It was a small one. Low priority targets in the angels eyes, but still targets.

Jack and Mary were nervous about my leaving, but I did my best to assure them. "I just need a break." I promised. "Doing all the magic stuff nonstop is probably making it harder, like trying to run a mile every day when you haven't done it before. I just need a break before I get back to trying to run it again."

Jack understood more than Mary did. That was how he'd felt when he was first learning. Once you've got a handle on the magic, it was great, but until then...

It was a mile, and sometimes you needed a break from the mile.

"It's your hot chocolate." He told me with a smile. "When I needed a break, you'd get me hot chocolate and we'd sit and talk and work on something else."

"I still don't know what hot chocolate is." I reminded him.

"We'll be back soon, and then you'll know." He promised.

The night before we left, I dreamt I was in that hole in the sand again, with char marks all around me. Rivulets of gold rose up from the ground, surrounding me until I saw a new scene through the gold begin to form.

 _ **"Koth Munto Nuntox!"**_ _Someone shouted, and the vision of gold cleared. I was looking through it in a thin sheen, and I saw something odd. A building, large and filled with… books. Bobby had them too, but the ones here easily outnumbered his._

 _"…Use you not to just crack the door open, but to keep it open." Someone said. As they walked into sight of the gold, I could see the person I'd seen last time. Shaggy brown hair. Really tall. Sam. He looked into the rift, and I felt as though he was looking directly at me. "So we're gonna drain you. We're gonna keep on draining you." Those words chilled me._

 _"Like a stuck pig." Someone else added. I'd heard that voice before. It was gruff and determined._

 _"Grace on tap." Someone else appeared into frame behind Sam. They were much shorter, with light blonde hair and a more angular face. "Sorry, bro."_

 _"And then, when we get back," Sam looked off over to the side, out of where I could see. "Then we'll kill you."_

 _"Cool." This voice was a new one, but it felt unnervingly familiar at the same time. They sounded apathetic to Sam's threat. That scared me just a little bit more._

 _"You gonna be okay back here?" Sam asked, shifting his gaze to someone else out of view._

 _"Aye." The voice was female, the same one that had spoken first. The way she spoke was much different, though. It sounded like she was from somewhere completely new. "Someone needs to keep an eye on the Devil. Go. Save your mum. Save the boy. Save your wife."_

 _Sam and Gabriel both looked over at a different person, watching as they came into view. It… It was the same one I'd seen when I'd blocked Kevin's power. His eyes were hardened and determined, but his face still showed signs of kindness._

 _The blonde one turned back to Sam. "You ready?" Sam turned back towards where I was, a new look of determination in his eyes._

 _"Ready." He said._

 _Sam walked towards me first, disappearing before I could touch him. Next came the blonde one, followed by someone else that walked into view. He was taller than the blonde but shorter than Sam, and looked like the person to match the gruff voice I'd heard._

 _The blue-eyed one stayed still, looking at me, pensive, thinking. "Castiel?" The woman's voice asked off to the side. The name made me want to jump. This… This was Castiel? "Are you going or are you just going to stand there staring?" He stood still, something moving and thinking behind his eyes. "Castiel, you can't go be the dashing rescuer for your wife if you're just standing here." He pulled something out of his pocket, a small rock, and examined it. The rock glowed from the inside with a warm, reassuring light._

 _"I'm coming." He muttered, putting the rock back in his pocket. "I'm coming for you, Kylie."_

 _I don't quite know what possessed me, but I reached out to touch him for some reason._ _ **"I'm here."**_ _I promised._

 _In an instant I felt like I was… I was me. I could remember everything, as though I'd never forgotten a moment. I remembered I loved him. I remembered he loved me. I remembered promises made to each other over and over again._

 _Right when he reached my hand, I felt him pause under my fingertips. I could just almost physically touch him, but it was like there was a weird thickness to the space between us._ _ **"I'm waiting for you."**_ _I promised. I could feel more memories surging in, memories of happiness and love and assuredness and a promise to last until the end of time._ _ **"You just need to come find me."**_ _I felt as though he was actually looking at me, and out of habit I smiled at him. It was Cas, my Cas. I remembered him._

 _He stepped past me, disappearing from view. I felt a bit of gold creep up through my arm as the scene in front of me began to fade. Somewhere behind me, people started talking._

 _"Yeah. Thought we'd get spit out in the same spot, but this isn't it." The gruffer voice. "Charlie - the other Charlie - said that Mary and Jack have an outpost in Dayton."_

 _"Okay. Let's get our bearings and head that way. Cas," there was a pause, followed by some footsteps. "Cas, there you are. Where are we?"_

 _"Uh, Kentucky. Northeast Kentucky. Or what used to be Kentucky." He answered. As Cas spoke, the charred hole in front of me began to fade._

 _"Which means that's north. Okay, so Dayton's that way. Roughly. Two days by foot but...that way." Their voices were getting quieter, fading away to the distance._

 _"Alright." Sam said._

I woke up sweating, searching back through the dream for those memories. I'd felt them. They'd been so real. I could recall them in the dream with perfect ease.

Now I could barely even recall the dream, much less whether or not it was real.

All I knew for certain was that I was back to seeing flecks of gold in the corners of my vision.


	19. I'm Coming

Castiel looked into the shimmering Rift. He could see nothing beyond the thin line, but he could guess what there would be. Ash. Angels. Michael, possibly. Demons and other dangers that he wasn't exactly familiar with.

That bothered Castiel. He wasn't familiar with what was beyond that strip of gold, and yet the people he cared about were on the other side. Sam. Dean. Gabriel. Mary. Jack.

Kylie.

She had to be there. He was certain she had to be there.

But as he was about to cross, he stopped, realizing that he had no proof. When Dean had come back, he hadn't heard about her. Dean was certain he'd heard her screaming, still, but other than that he'd heard nothing; no mention of her with Jack and Mary and Bobby.

Castiel had just been running on faith and probability that she was in that other universe.

"Castiel?" Rowena asked from behind him. Her voice jarred him slightly from his thinking. "Are you going or are you just going to stand there staring?" Castiel wanted to answer, but at the same time he wasn't certain he had one. He had no proof that she was on that other side. He had no proof she was safe. He had nothing but intuition and hope. What if she'd been on this side the whole time, lost and captured by someone else and waiting for him?

But what if she wasn't, either? What if she was on that side, the Apocalypse side? "Castiel," Rowena sounded somewhat annoyed with him, as though he was a child she had to explain something simple to yet again. "You can't go be the dashing rescuer for your wife if you're just standing here."

What if she couldn't even be rescued?

He reached into his coat pocket to pull out the rock, taking a moment to just look at it. It was still warm. She was still alive.

She may not need to be rescued. She was strong and independent and might even be doing just fine, if not waiting for a way home.

And Castiel was going to bring her home. "I'm coming." He muttered decisively, putting the rock back in his pocket. "I'm coming for you, Kylie."

 _ **"I'm here."**_ He felt her voice in the back of his mind, soft and kind and a little wistful. He could almost feel her fingers on his chest, reaching out to guide him forwards. **_"I'm waiting for you. You just need to come find me."_**

For just a moment, he could imagine her in front of him so clearly and precisely. Her hair wasn't as short as when he'd last seen her, but it was still shorter than normal. She was reaching out, still smiling, just looking at him like she knew what he was thinking and was waiting for him to come to the conclusion himself. She was there. She had to be there.

She was there and alive. He had to keep having that faith.

 _I love you, and I'll see you soon._ Castiel thought, striding through the image of his wife and onwards to the other side.

He slid quickly down a hill on the other side, following Sam and Dean and Gabriel's voices. When he reached the group, Gabriel looked annoyed and more covered in dirt and leaves than the other two. Sam was saying his name, looking around. "Cas, there you are." Sam said assuredly. "Where are we?"

"Uh," he thought for a moment, focusing on where they were on Earth. It was a different Earth, but still set up the same. He had an answer quickly. "Kentucky. Northeast Kentucky. Or what used to be Kentucky." He looked around with those words. This… This definitely did not look like the Kentucky he knew.

Dean said some things, pointing in a direction to march towards. Castiel wasn't listening too close, though. He was focusing on the rock in his pocket, still giving off a comforting warmth when he felt it.

 _She's here._ Castiel thought. He was certain of it. She was here. She was waiting. He just had to find her first.


	20. Angel Trap

I left with Charlie and Ketch that morning. A lot of us would be moving around. Angels were working harder and harder to try and get our positions, and we needed to scatter smartly. Mary and Jack were going to stay here and work on updating wardings. Bobby was going to go to the Salvage Camp and work on organizing troops from there.

The plan was that Charlie, Ketch, and I would meet Bobby at the Salvage Camp after the hostage release. The intercept point was only a day out from Bobby's, so we'd bring the new recruits to him and go from there on escorting him to a safe camp. I'd either break off at that point to return to Jack and Mary and keep working on getting the hang of magic again.

I'd be back in three or four days, tops. A break for a few days. No need to do any magic.

It felt good.

The march on to the intercept point was almost relaxing. We kept a brutal pace, alternating between a fifteen minute sprint and a five minute jog. Ketch held to it the easiest of the three of us, maintaining point to keep guard. Charlie stayed in the middle, and I held up the rear.

Once we got closer to the approximate intercept point, we formulated a quick plan. Ketch and Charlie would stay on the ground, and I'd take to the trees the second we heard them. Angels didn't like to show up in the treetops, it bothered them. And apparently the actual me from this world had done that frequently.

It was my "specialty," as Charlie put it.

I thanked Bobby quietly for making sure I knew how to do what the other me had done. We started to search quickly and quietly, keeping low and together. Ketch heard the footsteps first, pointing southeast and offering numbers on his fingers 20 yards.

That was close. That was extremely close.

Charlie motioned to a tree and nodded to me. "They're coming this way." Ketch agreed. We could intercept them here.

I scrambled up the tree quickly, waiting until I was about 20 feet up to creep out onto some branches. Ketch and Charlie moved back a little bit. If we timed it right, they'd stop the angels right below me.

They hid behind a nearby overturned… I honestly wasn't certain what it was, and I didn't care that much. It was some big wooden construct that didn't look like it belonged.

"For high crimes against the realm and its exalted ruler Michael," we heard the angels talking as they drew nearer. They sounded like they were gloating over the person. They were also getting closer and closer within range. "The prisoner is condemned to death." As I watched them approach, I saw two angels escorting a hooded figure. Something nagged at me as they drew nearer.

Charlie had said there would be multiple prisoners, at least two or three.

Had the others already been executed?

I didn't have time to question it further. They arrived almost directly below me, and Ketch and Charlie made their move. They came out quickly from behind the construct, their guns raised and ready.

"That will do." Ketch said decisively. The angels stopped, seeing the guns trained on them. Everyone had angel-killing bullets. Ketch and Charlie were no exception.

Charlie stepped forwards to the prisoner. They were out in front of everyone else, and almost directly under me. As she moved, so did Ketch, to ensure that he still had clear lines of sight.

"Easy." Charlie said. Her voice was soft and kind, if not a little triumphant sounding. She pulled the hood off of the man. "It's alright. You're safe now." I could almost hear the small smile in her voice. "We're gonna get you out of here."

Charlie smiled, removing the sack from the top of the hostage's head. "It's alright." She told them. I could hear the smile in her voice. "You're safe now."

It went sideways after that. From what I could see the hostage offered her a smile in return, one that almost looked genuine, as he dropped a blade into his palm.

Angel.

This wasn't a hostage transfer. This was a trap.

"Watch out!" I shouted. I was too late, though. The angel moved quicker, shedding their hostage persona as they grabbed Charlie and spun her around. It pressed it's blade tightly against her throat. I reacted on autopilot, dropping from my spot in the trees onto the false hostage. The execution was quick, with the force of my fall driving my blade through the back of the angel's spine. He screamed, his body shining brightly as his grip on Charlie slackened. She sprinted back to Ketch quickly, as did I. It was me in front of Charlie and Ketch, standing between them and the angels.

They started to advance, but I raised a hand. "No." I ordered, my voice firm. That made them pause. "Take another step, and it'll be the end of you two." I kept one hand empty and outstretched, my palm facing the angels. The other hand held one of my angel blades, primed and ready to fight.

"But will it be the end of all of us?" The blonde angel asked. He whistled, once, and I heard footsteps from around us. More angels.

I started to doubt whether or not we could take all of them.

"What are you doing?" Ketch whispered. He sounded confused and angered.

"Lower your weapons, and we'll gladly take the three of you alive." The blonde angel offered. He raised an eyebrow at me. "I know Michael will want to see you personally, Kai."

"Put it down." Ketch ordered. His gun was still up and trained, but with those words I could see him out of the corner of my eye starting to lower it. Charlie's… She'd dropped hers by the angels. They saw it, and kicked it back far behind them.

"There's too many." Charlie agreed.

"No." I argued. "I'm not letting the two of you get caught. You both know what'll happen."

"I'm not about to commit suicide for your own bravado." Ketch replied. I heard him set his gun down behind me.

"Neither of you are going to die." I promised, offering them one glance. From there I took a breath, adjusting my stance.

I react.

Jack said I react, and this was the time to react all right. I just had to do it right.

This was going to hurt, though.

"Let us go." I ordered, my voice firm. I kept my hand outraised towards the angels before me. They stayed away, their curiosity and uncertainty just barely above their confidence in their own abilities. Or maybe they were just confident enough to humor me. "Take me, if you have to, but let the others go."

"And what makes you more valuable than them?" The blonde angel challenged.

"You know who I am." I started. "Look at my face, if you don't." I looked around the small clearing. There were at least twelve to fifteen angels around us that I could see. "Look at who I am!" I shouted to all of them. "I've killed hundreds of you angels before." I was thinking quickly. React. React. Get them out. Get us all out. Jack and Mary had listed things I'd been able to do. "How many of you were certain you would win until I came along? How many of you had faith when you heard I was dead, but look at where I'm at now!" Think. Think. _THINK_. Get us out. Get us out. You know you know how, you just have to find it. Today wasn't the day I'd learn which was worse – Jack headaches or angelic torture. "I've cheated death. I've killed countless of your kind. And you all know, if you don't let them go," We had to get word back to Bobby that it was a setup. **_Get to Bobby._**

At the thought of that, I could see an image just barely forming in my mind. There was a safe spot not too far away from where Bobby was now. The Salvage Yard.

The angels were afraid of me, and I could see it, but they were also curious. "You know I'll make it out, and I'll be coming for each and every one of you. You can kill me, but I'll just come back again."

"You're just giving us a good reason to take all three of you, and kill you quickly." The blonde angel sneered. "I doubt you'll be coming back after what we'll do to you."

"But what if I never died in the first place?" I asked them. I could see that point growing clearer. It was getting brighter and firmer and more _real_ somehow, just in my mind. I could get us there. We could run and fight and hopefully try to survive whatever they threw at us, or I could get us out. I could see us there. I could see us at the safe point. I could see that image start to become more concrete and real in my mind.

 _ **Why don't you just do the right thing and die?!**_ Kevin's voice screamed in the back of my mind, interrupting my thoughts for a moment. We could've lived. _**You killed us!**_

I blinked, just once, and the picture in my mind fractured. I kept seeing Kevin's face, accusatory and angry and standing in my stead. He was flickering between the two Kevins I'd seen in my dream, each switch angrier than the last.

I couldn't place myself with them to safety. I kept trying to put myself back in with them, and it kept fracturing the picture. But when I took myself out…

I could see it, clear as day. I could see Charlie and Ketch safe and running. They'd be able to make it to Bobby. They'd make the right call. They'd tell Mary and Jack.

I could only place them.

I could live with that. Maybe the angels would kill me on accident instead.

"What if you've been wrong this whole time?" I asked the angels, goading them. The image was almost completely solid; nearly touchable. I just needed a little bit longer.

"Kai, what are you talking about?" Charlie asked. I ignored her, and kept going.

"What if I'm not the Kai you all saw before?" I shouted. I could see an idea starting to form in the angel's eyes. "I'm not from this world, I'm from the other world. I know how to cross between them." I looked around, taking another look back at Ketch and Charlie. Charlie looked a little betrayed, but more surprised. Ketch… He looked like I'd just punched him in the gut. His face, something he normally kept under careful stillness, betrayed his emotions to show his surprise and… was that pain?

I didn't have time to analyze that further, though. I had something to do. I focused back forwards on the angels. I could see it. I could see where to send them. I could reach out and touch it. "I can close the Rifts and open them again. I can get across. I can do more than my counterpart from this world could ever hope to accomplish." I took a breath, looking around at the angels once more.

I was OK with this.

I could do this.

"So, you'll take me, and let my friends go."

"And why is that?" One of the angels asked, sneering. They looked ready to pounce.

"Because I'm not just another human." I took two steps backwards swiftly, bringing me even with Charlie and Ketch. "I'm a witch, too." From there, I reacted. I dropped my angel blades and slammed both my hands backwards behind me. Jack said I could teleport.

I may not be able to teleport myself, but I could see Charlie and Ketch there. I could teleport them. I could do something right with magic and save people.

One hand connected squarely with Charlie, and in an instant she was gone; far away, where she would be safe and could get back to the others to let them know what happened. The effort made me a little weary, but I was still pretty fine.

The other hand should've hit Ketch at the same time, but it missed. I whirled over to him hurriedly, and saw he'd adjusted his body purposefully to move away from me. I felt myself shouting at him, lunging at him, as angels shouted and lunged all around us. The angels were shouting for them to grab us before it was too late, or asking where Charlie went or how I did that or why they couldn't track her. They were adamant about grabbing me before I disappeared too. I knew I couldn't, though. I didn't know how to make myself disappear, in my mind. I could only imagine the others safe.

I was yelling at Ketch to run. I was yelling at him to go, to let me help him escape, to do something to save himself. He was just staring at me in absolute shock, unable to comprehend what he was seeing but also stubborn and determined to stay here. I reached out again towards him, and he moved away again, shaking his head.

The angels grabbed me before I could do it a third time. Four of them, five, six, seven, all grabbing me and pulling me away and asking how I did that and what I'd done and too many questions for me to answer amidst the flurry of blows they began dealing to me. I just kept looking at Ketch being held by three angels, unable to understand myself how he wouldn't want to escape. He could protect Charlie. He could get back to the others and let them know what happened. He could've been safe.

The angels hauled me backwards several yards quickly, laughing as they began to rain down more punches and kicks and pain.

I couldn't get to Ketch.

I couldn't get myself out.

I couldn't even struggle at that point.

I could've saved them both. He didn't have to die. He didn't need to die. He could've gotten out safely with Charlie. He could've kept going.

When the angels learned I had no clue how to do anything I did, we would both certainly be dead.


	21. Torture

The march was long and arduous. The initial beatings from the angels had left me battered and limping on my left side. They'd said it was about a four or six hour walk from here to where they wanted us, but my limping was more than likely extending it.

When I tripped over a particularly nasty root, that was where the angels let out an annoyed sigh.

"Get back up." One of them ordered, poking me with its feet. My hands were tied behind my back securely, stopping me from being able to get back up quickly. "Get up, human." It sneered, kicking me to the side this time. I let out a groan of pain, curling in on where I'd been kicked.

"She can't." Ketch said blatantly. "You have her hands behind her back and have probably fractured her ribs. It's impressive she's made it this far." His expressions were neutral once more, as was his face.

"If she can't walk," a different angel decided. "Then she can be dragged."

"That'll just kill her." Ketch mused. He sounded disinterested, as though analyzing the situation for tactical reasoning instead of being another prisoner. "You drag her around, bang her around too much, and eventually she gets her head on a harder rock or dies from internal bleeding."

"I think that sounds like a fine way to kill her." The angel agreed.

"You're forgetting," I pointed out, finally rolling into a position where I was sitting up right. It hurt like hell, but I needed to. "Michael wants me alive." A few of the angels looked at me in fury at those words. "He wants the information I have, and I bet he gets really, really pissed when you guys kill the people he wants interrogated instead."

"Who's to say we won't _interrogate_ you here and now?" An angel asked. The emphasis they put on the word "interrogate" was one that suggested it would end in my death.

"You would've done it already." Ketch pointed out. He sounded as though he was bored by this, actually. "That's an easy one."

None of the angels spoke, all of them looking around at each other angrily. They didn't like that we were right. They didn't like that we knew we were right.

"I liked the you that talked less better." One angel decided, staring at me. I shrugged apathetically, choosing to mimic Ketch's bored demeanor. This just made the angel angrier. "Can't we just kill her here?"

"No." A blonde angel, one that appeared to be there leader, was firm in this. "Michael's orders. But," I could see him thinking. "We're almost to the site. You all," he pointed to a group of angels. "I have a special assignment for you. Summon the specialist." The angels he pointed at looked around at each other, mixtures of fear and sadistic glee in their eyes. "Tell him I've got one he'll probably be interested in."

The angels disappeared in a flurry, too excited. The others stood around, waiting for their orders.

"You three," he points at three more angels. "Stay. The rest of you, continue your patrols as normal." The rest of the angels ran to the trees in small groups, save for the three he'd pointed out. The angel looked down at me, thinking.

"Who's your specialist?" I asked, offering an eyebrow. "Someone to deal with that hair situation of yours?"

"You'll be easier to manage if you're quiet." He decided, his foot coming around to connect with my jaw. It was lights out at that point.

I woke up in a chair. Ketch was across from me. My arms and legs were bound tight, leaving me no room to really struggle. Ketch was put in a device hanging from the ceiling, keeping him standing, but his arms bound high above his head.

"You're awake." He commented. "They'll be coming back in soon, then. Wanted to wait on starting the fun until you could fully appreciate it."

"How thoughtful." I muttered, looked at my situation in comparison to his. "Why am I the one stuck in the chair?"

"Patriarchal choices." Ketch offered. "Can't very well tie up a woman like me, oh no. Must keep her bound to the chair."

"I don't quite get what you're saying," I admitted. "But it sounds funny. Is it supposed to be funny?"

"Sarcastic humor."

"Got it." I let out a small laugh. "We're completely and utterly screwed."

"That we are."

"Why did you stay, then?" I asked. "You knew this would be a death sentence the second I opened my mouth. Why'd you move away?"

"If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not talk about it." He responded. I could agree to that.

"OK." I thought for a few moments. I still had more I wanted to ask, and honestly, I wasn't going to get a better time to. "Mary told me you knew me." I stated. Ketch nodded.

"Yes." He looked away at that. "I did." The way he said it sounded as though something was wrong with that.

"I don't remember you." I admitted softly. "I'm sorry." He just let out a hoarse laugh.

"It's probably better that way." He said. "We weren't exactly friends."

"We weren't?" I knew the answers, but I wanted to hear them from him.

"No." He looked away again. "Not even close."

"Were we enemies?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Circumstance." He said bluntly. "That was how the cards were stacked. Those were the orders we had."

"I don't know much about the person I was," I said. "In your world, anyways. But I'm pretty certain I'm not the type to take orders, no matter the circumstance." Ketch fought back a small smirk.

"No. You really aren't." He agreed. "I am, though. I take them and give them, like a good soldier." He spat the last words out angrily. "And I jump from ship to ship like a rat at sea, keeping myself afloat however I can."

"Mary said you wanted to kill me. Did we try to kill each other?" I asked. Ketch looked over at me in surprise. "You said we were enemies. Mary told me some stuff. It made sense."

"Yes." He said. "You promised to kill me. Actually, I think your exact words were that you'd burn me."

"Oh."

"You had good reason." He promised. "I… I've done terrible things, in the name of order and duty. I've done things that made me," he let out a sigh. "The very monster that I tried to eradicate from the world."

"You're talking to a witch." I pointed out. "I think I'm technically a monster too."

"You're not." He argued firmly. "Trust me. I've seen real monsters. I tried to make myself see you as one; I tried for well over a year." He shrugged. "But in the end, you never were, and that just made me want to see you as one even more." He sat back a little, looking down at the floor beneath us.

"That's why you didn't leave." I muttered. "That's why you moved away when I tried to get you out." He paused for a few moments, then nodded.

"I didn't deserve an easy way out." He said. "I know what we're both headed towards. I'm certain I can guess how much worse it would've been for you if you were alone."

"You really should've left me, then." I said.

"Why is that?"

"Because we both know how bad it'll be." I replied. We both sat on those words for a while, mulling them over. Our chances of walking out were slim to none. I could still get Ketch out, but my hands were bound and I was far enough away so that I couldn't touch him. I couldn't really get myself out, the thought of it brought back Kevin's voice screaming at me.

Hell, I was only barely certain that I'd gotten Charlie to the right place.

And I had no idea how to do anything I told them I could do. I could do magic, yes. I'd proved that. But I didn't know how I did it, much less how to control it perfectly. I wasn't even certain what all I could do.

I knew, the moment I spoke up and revealed myself, that I was signing myself over to certain death at best. Jack and Mary had told me some of what Michael did. Seeing what happened to Kevin told me more than anything else could've.

At best, they'd kill me when they found out I couldn't do anything.

At worst, they would never let me die.

"Any advice?" I asked finally, looking over at Ketch. He thought for a few moments on that.

"Don't lose your mind." He answered automatically. "When in the face of torture, they will try to break your mind and spirit. The spirit can be broken, and people can stop believing in whatever it is they believe in. Sheer spite will still keep them from saying a word. But if a person has their mind broken," his voice petered off.

"Alright." I agreed. "Don't lose my mind."

We stayed as we were in silence. There wasn't much else to say. Asking about my past from him would give away too much to any angels listening in (there had to be a reason they didn't gag us, after all). Him telling me anything else about anything else I can do would be too much. Even the amount that was said was a lot, but it didn't give any important details away.

We were both resigned to our fates. We would either die, or wish every day that they would just kill us already.

For a brief moment, I wondered if Ketch had done the same thing to anyone. He had given advice as though he had been on both sides of torture before, and in truth he probably had been.

For another brief moment, I wondered if I had ever been one of the ones that he had tortured; if he had only kept me alive to break me and gain information from me at some point.

I didn't have a good answer. I didn't want one.

When the angels came back in, there was nothing but pain. There's no other way to describe it. They took their time punishing me for the deaths of their brethren before they even got to asking me questions. One of them made sure I had a tally of every single angel that died at both my hands and the hands of the me from this world; their names, spelled in Enochian, carved across the expanse of my body with an angelic blade.

By the time they were through, there were very few parts of me that didn't have a name carved into it.

For Ketch's credit, he did shout that what they were doing was monstrous and inhuman after the first name. He argued that the exercise was futile, and only done out of revenge.

The angels sliced names into him too after that. Not as many, but enough into his ribs.

I wish I could say that I bore the torture in silence, as Ketch did. I wish I could say that I kept myself impassive in the face of the angels. I wish I could say that they did not get the pleasure of hearing me scream; some words were nonsense, other words were pleas, others were nothing close to words at all but instead a primal scream of agony.

But I can't say that. I can't say that at all.

So instead I'm going to skip over the rest of this part, for the moment. I don't even wish I had the capacities to explain everything they did, purely out of spite. All I will say is that by the time they got to the actual questioning, I was impressed that they still had the gall to call themselves angels.

"How did you transport the other fugitive away from us?" The first angel asked. I would've shrugged if they hadn't dislocated my shoulder. Instead I just pursed my lips.

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?" The angel sounded bewildered by that phrase.

"I don't know." I repeated adamantly.

"How did you conceal the fugitive from us?" They tried again. I couldn't help but fight back a small smile. It'd worked. Wherever she'd ended up, they couldn't find her.

"I don't know."

The questioning continued like that for a while. They moved from torturing me to torturing Ketch at each question I couldn't answer, and I just laughed. If I'd known more songs, I probably would've started singing them.

 _Someone was screaming at me, asking what was so funny._

 _"Dean had been so mad at me that I hadn't done my job right." I heard myself saying. I was laughing. I was tortured and bound and laughing. "And apparently he didn't do so good either! And the King of Hell looks like a damn tomato, and I'm trapped in a room run by demons with a prophet of the friggin' lord that outsmarted the Winchesters, you, and everyone!" I was still laughing, still laughing and laughing and laughing._

 _Kevin was beside me. I don't know how I knew, but I knew. He was beside me and he was laughing right along with me. Both of us were laughing, laughing in the face of imminent death and torture instead of crying, screaming, or begging for our lives. We just laughed. Laughed and laughed and laughed._

 _It wasn't long after that before we were separated. I didn't know where Kevin went. He had been important, they weren't going to kill him, but other than that I didn't know._

 _I was alone in a cell, tied to a chair that reeked of my own blood, piss, sweat, and shit. I kept up my odd act of defiance, singing song I could only barely hear words to and making up stories when I was tired and bored and out of ideas for songs._

 _I was doing whatever I could that wouldn't give anything away to the enemy._

 _I fought and fought and did everything I could to prove they couldn't get to me._

 _I blinked out of the memory to see Ketch staring at me pretty bewildered. I'd bee_ n laughing. That just made me laugh more. I could almost hear a song coming to mind.

I think it was then that Ketch truly understood that I didn't come here with some sort of an escape plan; some hope of getting rescued. Logically, sending Ketch and Charlie away would ensure survivors to what happened, and would implant the idea of a rescue team.

But tactically, that probably wouldn't happen. There was no way to tell how many angels were outside of here now. Michael wanted me, and he'd be coming at some point. Coming after me was a stupid choice, one that would kill more people than save them.

So even though I'd imagined the idea of a rescue time, I knew it wouldn't be coming.

I just didn't want them to suffer along with me.

I offered Ketch a glance, just once, to make sure he was alright. He nodded me on, encouraging my lack of available answers.

That was all I needed to keep going.

We kept it up for I don't know how long, neither of us giving straightforward or correct answers anymore. If I was asked about my magic, I said that I was taught. When they asked who by, I answered their mothers. If Ketch was asked about the people or the encampments, he gave vague and angering answers.

After a few hours went by, they left us alone for a little bit. There were discussions outside from the angels. We couldn't hear them well, or at least I couldn't.

"How're you doing?" I asked Ketch. He let out a puff of air.

"I'm fine. You?"

"Not bad." I stated. "I don't like that they left."

"Me neither."

"What do you think they're doing?"

"Waiting for us to say something without them being here." Ketch decided. "Or planning even worse tortures. Maybe even calling Michael here himself."

"Damn."

We didn't say anything else, just waited for the angels to come back in. When they did, though, neither of us were prepared for what was next.

"Here," one of the angels said, tossing something at me. "Catch."

The second the object landed in my lap I screamed. It was just a small little cloth bag, but the instant I came in contact with it I became nauseous and pained all at once. It was… It was difficult to describe. If there was a word beyond agony, I didn't remember it.

I howled in pain, thrashing about in the chair to try and knock the thing off of me. Eventually it fell to the floor, but that only lessened the pain – not removed it.

"So, you are a witch." One of the angels said. They sounded almost in awe of the idea. I heard Ketch swear quietly behind me. The angel looked behind me at the other one, and I could see them smiling. "He'll be pleased."

"Who will?" I asked. The angels ignored me, still smiling. "Who's coming?!" For a moment, I was scared. What if they'd called Michael, and he was coming? I'd heard enough from others to know that whatever the angels were doing to us now, Michael would make it infinitely worse.

"This is your last chance." The angel behind me said, presumably talking to Ketch. "You don't have to face what the witch will. Just answer my questions and we'll make sure your suffering ends." The angel in front of me offered a wicked smile.

"It's too late for you." He assured me.

"Can you repeat the question?" Ketch asked, boredom prevalent in his tone. The angels spun me around in the chair, making sure I had a clear vision as the other one drove his fist into Ketch's ribs. I heard one crack, and Ketch let out a grunt of pain.

"How many fighters do you have?" Ketch's assailant asked. "Where's your battalion based?" Ketch took a few breaths before lifting his head. He looked… Defeated. He looked tired and done and more than a little defeated. I could see him considering something, considering talking and speaking and telling them things.

"Are you familiar with a place called Boardwalk?" He asked. I kept my face neutral, but I was confused inside. What was he talking about?

"No." The angel stated.

"Well, it's very near Park Place." Ketch continued. "Go to Oriental Avenue and take the B&O Railroad straight to Hell." I couldn't hold back a smile this time, and the other angels saw it. Whatever Ketch was talking about, he was being an ass to all of them.

The angel closest to him responded by slashing his blade down Ketch's torso. Ketch kept breathing, eventually letting out a hoarse laugh.

"Hmm… Is that all you've got to make me talk?" He asked, smiling. "Because if that's it, then I must say, this whole day has been quite pathetic."

"Don't worry." The angel next to me crooned. "I've sent for an expert in these matters. He'll be able to make you talk." The angel paused, glancing over at me. "Both of you." As he finished speaking, I heard the sound of tires rolling on dirt, coming closer.

We all waited in silence – myself and Ketch in pensiveness, and the angels in excitement. Ketch and the angel closest to him were illuminated in the headlights of a car. I watched as the angel leaned forwards and whispered a few words to Ketch. He offered me a glance of despair.

"You'll learn to be more obedient after this." The angel told me. All of us fell silent as footsteps approached the door. When it opened, the face I saw was… Surprisingly familiar, but at the same time wrong. There wasn't any better way to describe that face. I was certain I'd seen those features before, but this time they were contorted wrongly. His hair was too slicked and oily. His eyes were too narrow, with one of them clouded over. His stance and his posture were too rigid and exact.

"Good evening, Castiel." The angels greeted, offering the new player a bow.


	22. Monsters Like Me

Castiel.

That was the name Jack had told me. That was the name people kept telling me and that I kept hearing. I was supposed to know him. I was supposed to love him. The me that I was when I remembered had loved him and had cared for him. Supposedly, he had felt the same.

As I looked into the eyes of this other Castiel, I could clearly see that those feelings didn't exist. He approached me calmly, keeping an eye on my movements. For all the pain I was in, I was smart enough to keep myself still.

"Hello, Ass-stiel." I greeted coldly. He offered me an empty smile in response.

"Hello, Kylie." The way he said my name… It was accented and weird. I felt as though I was being personally violated by his words alone. "We've been studying you."

"That makes you sound really creepy." I pointed out. He ignored me, reaching to squeeze my arm. I tried to jerk back from it on instinct. When he touched me, I could… I could feel the tiniest bit of something flow from him into me, then back again. He pulled his hand away, a frown on his face.

"Curious." He stated. His entire demeanor was as accented and precisely clipped as his words. "I feel myself within you, but as a distant echo. Whatever was there is long gone now."

"I sincerely hope you understand how creepy you sound right now."

"I wish to experiment a little on you." He continued, reaching into his coat. He pulled out something I didn't recognize, but from the sound Ketch made I was certain he did. It was metal, rounded, with a flat strip of leather leading from the metal to a small handle at the end. It looked like something that was supposed to choke me to death. "Considering how the bags worked, and your abilities, I am confident that this will work as well."

"What is that?" I couldn't help but ask. I was curious.

"Your friend behind you seems to recognize it well, but it's strange that you do not. I would think one of your kind would be quite familiar with this device." He opened the circular metal part as he spoke, eyeing my neck in a way that made me feel sick. "This, my dear," he clasped the metal around my neck, keeping a firm hold of the leather on his end. "Is called a witch-catcher."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Stay exactly and immaculately still." Castiel ordered. I tried to roll my eyes at him, but couldn't. I tried to open my mouth and speak, but I couldn't. Castiel just smiled that same hollow smile. "Remove her bindings." He ordered the angels. "I wish to test this further."

I could barely see the others in my peripherals as they unbound me. Once I was freed I tried to get up and fight, but… I couldn't. I was stuck, frozen, in the chair.

"Stand up." Castiel ordered. I felt my body move against my will, forcing me into a rigid standing position. "Jump." I jumped once, landing in that same still stance. "Tell me your name."

"Kylie Dillinger." The words came uninhibited. I wanted to look back at Ketch, to have him tell me what was happening, but I couldn't move.

"Good." Castiel stated. "Now, a test of your skills. I wish for you to open a portal to the other world."

I did nothing. My hands didn't move, I didn't move, I just stayed still. Castiel looked at me with annoyance.

"Answer my questions truthfully – can you open a portal?"

"No."

"Then how did you come through to here?"

"I don't -" I was about to finish the sentence when I felt lightning strike my brain. I fell to the ground, clutching my head. "I don't," as I spoke it happened again, causing me to cry out in pain.

"Curious." Castiel muttered. "How did you come to this universe?"

"I…" Another crack. Another cry. "I…" Another. "I…"

I heard screaming. It wasn't my voice. I heard Jack talking. I couldn't make out the words. I could feel like I was supposed to be seeing something, but I couldn't do it. It was right there in front of me, but I couldn't quite get at it. It was painful to not. It was more painful to try.

"I don't understand how!" I shouted. "I felt it and my head hurt and I came!" After I spoke, I felt my pain start to recede. I opened my eyes, and looked up at Castiel.

"Interesting." He commented. "You have head pain in correlation to these portals opening?"

"Yes."

"You are connected to them."

"Yes."

"Do you know how?"

"No."

"Hmmm…" He pondered on this. "What kind of witch are you?"

"Natural-born." As I answered, I felt my head scream once more. I was still on the ground, and I wanted to reach up and grasp at the pain I felt. I couldn't force my arms to do it, though. They were still bound by the command of the witch-catcher.

"You don't remember much of your past, correct?"

"Yes."

"Tell me what you remember." At the request, I rattled off the few memories I'd gained back. Dogs howling with someone on the phone. Comfortability with angelic blades. A few other things. Not much. Nothing that would help. Talking about these things didn't hurt as much.

"What do you suppose would happen if I forced you to remember more?" He posed once I was done. I was forced to answer that again.

"I'd die." That was an answer I was certain of, but the automatism in which I'd responded scared me. I knew.

"What if I assisted you myself?" He posed. "I've felt my own magic within you, even though it's an echo." He thought after a moment. "Do you know me?"

"No."

"Do you know the me from the other universe?"

"I'm supposed to, but I don't remember." That was truth. That was pure truth, not forcing me to remember anything. I was thankful for that.

"Curious." He said again. "Can you still use magic?"

"Yes."

"Can you control it?"

"Sometimes."

"How?"

"Reaction." I tried to fight, but another word forced its way through. "Intent." I felt my head crack sharply again for a moment, but no memory came to mind.

"Where did you send your third partner?"

"I sent her to safety." I tried to keep my mouth shut, but I felt myself speaking without a way to stop. "A few miles outside of one of the encampments."

"Which one?"

"I… I…" I felt my body starting to heat up as I fought against the question. "I…"

"Which encampment?" Castiel asked again, his voice more insistent.

"I…"

"Kylie, don't!" Ketch shouted. "Fight it!"

"Silence him." Castiel ordered the angels, but he was still holding the reign on me. I turned automatically, aiming a hand out at Ketch. My brain felt like it was frying, but I could feel the intent of the power as I thought about Ketch's neck. He started to gasp, looking at me with panic and fear. Nobody else spoke or moved as I choked the man with my magic. He wasn't dying, just being forced to stay silent.

He was choking. He was being kept on the brink of choking to death by me.

I wanted to bring my hand down. I wanted to stop. I wanted to stop all of this and die now, be it from remembering everything or from fighting the witch catcher in answering, but I couldn't.

 _"You killed my friends." I was in another memory. I could see Ketch sitting across from me, but he kept flickering from one at a table to the one in chains. I felt like I recognized this. I had a different part of this memory, I was certain of it. "You killed my family. You came in promising peace and instead tried to wipe us out. So yeah, I think I can safely call that bad. I think I can say that you're a cruel man, and that my only wish was that I could be there when you died, if only to draw it out a little longer." I could feel an idea, in my mind. I wanted to hold out a hand in that memory and just…_

 _Just close his goddamn throat._

 _I wanted to kill him._

 _I wanted to use magic and murder him, and I wouldn't have given a damn afterwards. I would've even smiled._

I blinked, and I was out of the memory. I was in the present. I was still choking Ketch. My arm was trembling. Everyone was standing around, watching me with curiosity. Ketch was struggling, making noises of pain and fear under the power of my own magic. If I was ordered to – or if I wanted to – I could close my hand right now and kill him. It would be over, just like that.

Just like I'd wanted in that memory.

I felt myself shed a few unwilling tears as I finally whispered an answer to Castiel. "Base Camp. Sioux Falls. Bobby's Shop."

"Stop." Castiel ordered me. I lowered my arm, but I was stuck standing still. My brain was screaming inside, but I couldn't move any more. I was stuck exactly as I was, unable to control myself. I watched Ketch with horrified and terrified eyes. He stopped struggling, taking in deep breaths. I could hear a slight rasp in his voice as he pushed air back into his lungs.

I felt absolute dread as I looked at what I'd just done.

This was it.

This was how they won.

This would be how they killed me.

Mary had said that Ketch made people into monsters, that he'd wanted to kill me because he was a monster and I was good.

But I was the monster all along. Only a monster would remember wanting to do what I'd just done; wanting to kill someone and watch them struggle in pain and fear.

The angels were monsters, and this was how they would make me - no, expose me - as a monster like them.

"I believe this will become quite a turning point in human history." Castiel commented behind me. "I'd like to see more of what you can do."

I felt more tears fall, and met Ketch's eyes. He was scared, too; not for himself or for the battle, but for what I would be forced to do – what he and the others would be forced to watch me do. I wished I could apologize and say something, but I couldn't. I didn't think the apology would matter anyways.

He had been right. He had been right all along. I was just another monster that needed to be killed.

We maintained eye contact up until the lights went off.

"Secure the area!" One of the angel shouted.

"Witch, come with me." Castiel ordered. I looked at Ketch one last time, hoping he could see me through the darkness before my feet forced me to turn around. As we went outside to a vehicle I could hear the sounds of angels screaming behind me. Castiel turned, and I saw the bright light of a dying angel reflected in his eyes. "Torch the building." He ordered.

For a moment, I remembered what Ketch had told me. I'd promised I'd burn him.

I turned, fighting the movement with everything I had but unable to stop. My brain screamed in pain and misery as I moved. It hurt before I could even cast a spell. I raised a hand, but the power felt… blocked. I couldn't exactly make it happen.

"What are you waiting for? Do it!" Castiel ordered.

"No." Another voice commanded from the side. It sounded familiar, the same as Castiel's but different. I stood frozen, facing the gas station and unable to do anything.

"DO IT!" Castiel screamed. I felt something inside me push, trying to get the power out of me and complete the command, but something even stronger was blocking it.

Something even stronger made it bounce back. I screamed, feeling my body boil on the inside as the metal collar melted around my neck. I heard a noise behind me, and felt my neck being jerked sideways slightly before I had control over myself. I clawed at my neck in pain, still screaming. I heard talking behind me, but I couldn't focus on that. All I could focus on was the metal around my neck melting; the feeling of my skin searing and my blood boiling as though I was on fire myself. Someone screamed behind me, and I felt external heat on my back. Moments later, someone placed a hand on my neck.

The pain reached a crescendo as the stranger did something. It was so much all at once, so much battling around inside me. I couldn't take it all. I couldn't handle it.

I passed out, still screaming.


	23. Meeting and Running

_I was dreaming. I was watching myself as I dreamed. I was younger, then. I had much longer hair. There was blood pooled all around the other me. Someone else was on top of the other me, choking her, killing her._

 _I walked around, getting a view of the attacker. It was Castiel, with wilder hair and red eyes. He seemed so intent. He wanted to destroy me. He wanted to kill me. This was different from the Castiel I'd seen earlier. The Castiel earlier was more calculating and determined. This one was more violent, more enraged. I felt as though that the Castiel I'd met earlier could easily reach this stage too, if provoked enough._

 _I wondered if the Castiel from earlier wished to turn me into his own monster to destroy others, like the Castiel I was seeing now._

 _I saw the other me's eyes glow white, encompassing the room all around us._

 _She pushed her hands outwards, and I saw everything around her burning. She burned Castiel away from her, pushing him back with a scream. For a moment, I wondered if she was even aware she was screaming._

 _Her mouth burned white as well._

 _Everything burned white._

 _Everything burned._

 _Magic was going to burn her up._

 _Magic was burning me up from the inside out over and over and over again._

I woke up with a start, inhaling sharply as I grasped at the sheets around me. I didn't sit up. I didn't say a word. I just laid there, waiting for the panicked feeling to subside. I was… I was in my bed. I wasn't in a chair. I wasn't outside.

Outside.

My neck.

I reached up, feeling around at it. There was no metal, no ridged skin, no scarring, nothing that could indicate what had happened.

Was last night even real?

I sat up to look down at my body, lifting my shirt up to see my stomach. There were raised white scars, healed as though they'd been there for a long time, with Enochian names scrawled on them.

Yeah.

It was real.

So why wasn't my neck scarred?

"You alright?" Ketch's voice, next to me. I looked over at him. He was sitting on the side of a cot. He looked a little beat still, but fine.

"Did we make it?" I asked. He nodded.

"Yeah, we did."

"How?"

"We were rescued." I sat up more, throwing my legs over the side as well. I automatically felt nauseous afterwards, and slumped down over myself. I grasped the sides of the cot firmly, and kept my arms rigid to hold myself up. I felt like I was going to be sick. "Take it easy. You tend to feel ill after expending a lot of your magic."

"That's a thing?" I asked, glancing up. It was difficult to not keep staring at the ground. He nodded.

"Yes. You used to keep small snacks on your person in case of this happening."

"What did I like?"

"Granola bars. Sometimes apples, but those didn't fit in your pocket as well." I saw him toss something to me. Automatically I flinched, expecting pain from one of those bags. As I looked over, though, I saw it was just a small apple. "Fortunately for you, I had one."

"I…" I wasn't certain what to say. Thank you? What in the hell happened last night? Who saved us? Why do I have to be a witch? What does this mean? "I'm sorry."

"What for?" I motioned to my own neck in response. He just shrugged. "I've done worse to you." He assured me. "Are you alright?"

"No." I forced myself to look up fully at him. "Ketch, I gave away information. All it took was one of those… those collars, those things," I shuddered at the thought of them. "And I couldn't stop myself from speaking. I couldn't control myself, it was like I had no form of myself. I became a monster. I just…" I didn't know what to say. I looked back down, taking a few deep breaths. "That can never happen again." I told him.

"And it won't." He promised.

"Good." I steadied my breath a little. "How do I stop myself from being a witch?"

"What?" He asked, the word coming out sharply.

"Is there any way to stop me from being a witch?" I asked. "Like, can it be taken away?"

"Not that I know of." He said cautiously. "I thought it had already happened, and that in itself was an," he paused, taking a moment to think of which words to say. "Outlier. An extremely odd and exceptional outlier."

"I don't even understand why I can use magic now." I said. "I can't control it, not all the time. I can't even use it half the time. But being able to be forced to like that," I took another deep breath. "That felt wrong, but the magic I used, I," I stopped my sentence there. What was I about to say? I hated it, but using it felt like I should've been doing that all the time? It felt like a forced natural move, like someone pushing you to walk forwards? It felt wrong, it was terrifying, but at the same time I could just barely feel power moving through me.

For just a moment, I could see the power I held as a witch. It was terrifying and at the same time absolutely incredible.

It was something I shouldn't ever have. It was too much power.

"It felt natural." Ketch said calmly. I nodded glumly, not meeting his eyes.

"Being able to do things like that, when I could remember things and remember myself and when I was, well, different," I wasn't certain how to explain the difference, but I was certain as to my next words. "I can't blame you for considering me a monster. Being able to hurt you, even though it was forced, the action itself was too easy. It was too natural. I… I'm a monster. I'm a thing that hurts people." I shrugged a little, glancing up at Ketch for a moment. "You're right. I am a monster. You should've followed orders and killed me."

Ketch didn't say a word. I don't think he knew what to say.

"I'm going to find a way to stop myself from having this power." I said decisively. "I don't know how, but there's got to be a way to put some sort of a stop on this. I don't… I don't ever want to use magic like that. I don't want to hurt people like that."

One way or another, I was determined to make sure I wasn't a danger to anyone anymore.

I wouldn't let myself keep being a monster.

My words hung heavily between the two of us for a time. When Ketch spoke up again, though, it wasn't what I expected. "You created new wardings to allow yourself and your dog, a hellhound, to walk freely through London without setting off alarms." He said. "You also used to sit in the main control room and work on new spells. You'd be muttering some sort of tune while you did. I know you don't remember that, but for the record I don't even know if you were aware of what you were humming." I looked up at him, confused, and he kept going. "You had a friend, Thomason Jones. You two were inseparable friends. His job was to spy on you, and make sure that you still remained a worthwhile asset, but you became his friend as well. He was certain that you were more than just a witch. You changed his thinking from being a witch to being a person. He tried to protect you and save you."

"What does all of this mean, Ketch?" I asked.

"You created spells for your dog, the hellhound, so that the two of you could play in a park." He kept going anyways, as though I'd never said anything. "You exhausted your energy and magical resources frequently in the name of saving those around you. You went to college."

"What's that?" That wasn't a word I knew here.

"It's schooling, for higher education." He explained before continuing. "You wanted to do something good with your life, but you didn't realize that you already had been."

"Ketch, I don't remember anything you're saying at all." I said. "I don't remember a Thomason Jones, or a college," the word felt foreign for only a moment longer. "Or London or Karma or creating wardings or being a witch or even being good. All you're telling me are things I don't remember."

"You remember some things." He said. "Which means you remember, somewhere, what it's like to be a witch and a good person."

"The only things with magic that I remember right now are pain and suffering." I said. "And only saving my own sorry ass."

"That's not true."

"Really?" I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. Ketch nodded, getting up himself. He walked over to me slowly, and took the apple from the cot to place in my hands.

"Really." He promised. "You remembered the name of your hellhound." I thought about that for a moment. He'd said it, right? He'd said Karma's name, right?

No. No, he hadn't.

Ketch clasped my hands around the apple. "Somewhere inside of you, you remember the good you could do with magic as well. Right now, you just see the bad. But you can change it. You can chose what kind of person or witch you want to be." He moved away, offering me one last look. "Eat up, then come out. There are others that wish to meet you."

He walked out, leaving me in the tent with nothing but an apple and my own thoughts. I ate it quietly, summoning up courage as I did. There were people that wanted to meet me? Nobody requests me, they always requested Jack or Mary or Bobby. The only time anyone requested me was the kids for stories, or sometimes Jack or Mary or Bobby or Charlie or Ketch. Nobody new ever asked for me directly. When they did, it was normally asking for "Kai," and was a good sign that they were a spy.

When I finally finished my apple and left the tent, Ketch was waiting for me beside a few other people. Charlie was there, and she ran towards me the second she saw me.

"You're amazing!" She crowed, gathering me into a bear hug. "I can't believe you did that! How did you get me out?!" She backed away then to smack me on the arm. "Don't ever do that again! I was terrified for you!"

"Good to see you too, Charlie." I offered her a small smile. "You… You're not mad that I lied to you?"

"Hell no!" She exclaimed. "I wish you'd told me sooner! With what you can do, we can kick some serious ass!" I wanted to say something, maybe just a kind way to say no to the idea, but Charlie kept on going. "Come on, you gotta meet these guys!"

"Who?" I tried to ask. Charlie just grabbed my hand and pulled me along. There were two guys behind her. One was tall and lean, with brown hair going past his shoulders. The other was a little shorter, with shorter cut hair and a heavy jacket. The both of them looked ragged, but tough.

The both of them were looking at me as though they knew me.

I felt like I recognized them a little as well.

"Hi." I tried weakly, offering the two a small wave. Bobby walked up to stand between them, offering me a reassuring smile.

"Kylie, this is Sam and Dean." He introduced, looking at the tall one for Sam and the short one for Dean. "They're from the other world. They knew you."

"Do they," I looked to Bobby, uncertain on what I was asking. Do they know I don't remember them? Do they like me? Do they think I'm a monster?

Bobby just smiled at me again. "They're friends. Your friends." He assured me. "And they know you don't remember." The shorter one, Dean, took a few slow steps forwards to me.

"Kylie?" He asked. He looked at me slowly, his eyes pausing on my hair for a moment. "Cas told us about that. I'm still pissed it was done, but short hair suits you."

"Thanks." I didn't quite understand what he was talking about, but I would take it as it was. Then I thought for a moment on his voice. I'd heard it before. I was certain. "You came over with Ketch, at first." His eyes widened a little in surprise. "You came with Sam and Cas and someone else this time."

"Gabriel, yeah." Dean nodded. He still sounded unsure and surprised as he looked at me.

"OK." I wasn't certain what else to do either.

"Kylie," Sam next, taking long strides forwards to look at me. His voice was familiar too.

"I talked to you." I muttered, thinking hard. One of the first memories I'd somewhat-gotten back. "There was howling. I remember hearing the conversation. You…" I looked between them. "You both saved me then. And you saved me now, from the angels."

"Yeah, well," Dean shrugged, looking off a little.

"We're not leaving our family behind." Sam finished. After that he moved forwards slowly, arms out for a hug, and I couldn't help but go for it. He looked like he needed a hug.

If I was being honest, I needed a hug.

Dean joined in a second later, the both of them embracing me tightly. It felt nice, this hug. I could feel the tiniest bit of a memory creep back to me as they both started to pull away.

 _"Kylie?" This memory had visuals, this time. We were in a place I didn't recognize. Sam, Dean, and Mary were all pulled together for a hug, but Sam had broken away for a second. Everyone was looking at me. "What're you doing over there?"_

 _"I… I… Umm…" I could feel the idea of this being a family moment in the back of my mind. In the memory, Dean motioned for me to join them, looking at me as though I was an idiot. "I…" I tried to speak._

 _"Get over here." Mary encouraged. She looked happier than I'd ever seen her before. "You're a part of this family too."_

 _I paused for a second before I joined them. I could feel tears forming on my face as I did. The feeling of this hug - this sense of belonging within their family – was absolutely astounding. I'd thought that I wasn't their family anymore – that my status as a witch had pushed me away from that possibility._

 _But in this memory, their arms were stretched and around me as tightly as any other family. I was a part of their family._

 _They hadn't called me their family in a long time. Hearing them say it healed something that had been broken and scared inside me._

I hugged the both of them a little tighter, smiling slightly. "Family." I muttered. Bobby and Mary and Jack and Sam and Dean. Family.

They pulled away slowly, and I heard them sniffling a little. "We thought we'd lost you, kiddo." Dean admitted. Sam wiped something unseen off his face.

"We heard you screaming outside, and Castiel," at the mention of that name I felt tense. Castiel. Torturer in this universe. The witch-catcher.

"Is he dead?" I interrupted. The two looked at me in shock.

"Cas?" Dean asked. I nodded.

"Tell me he's dead." I begged. They all glanced around each other until Ketch spoke up.

"The Castiel in this universe was the one that was… holding us." He said. "He's the one that was torturing us."

"Oh." Sam muttered. None of them looked quite like they knew how to explain it. "Kylie, there… There's another Castiel."

"The one from our universe." Dean added. "The good one."

"He's the one that went and got you himself." Sam said. "He carried you out."

"I don't remember that either." I said. "I just remember the Castiel I saw ordering me to," I stopped, looking over at Ketch. I could see my hand raised at him, and at the same time at a building. Silence him. Burn them. Stand. Obey.

"They forced a witch-catcher on her." Ketch explained quietly. From the sound of his voice, it sounded more like he was reminding them.

"I was told to burn down the building you were all in, and instead the metal melted around my throat." I summed up. I could hear the emptiness in my voice as I said it. "I remember someone touching me, and everything hurt much worse. Then I woke up there." I pointed to the medical tent for emphasis.

"You didn't tell her?" Dean asked, turning to Ketch. He shook his head.

"I told her we were rescued in general." He said. "I figured it should be up to you all and Castiel to fill in the rest." He offered me a nod before walking off somewhere else. Everyone looked around at each other again, not quite certain how to proceed.

"Please tell me something." I finally requested. "Because I've heard a lot of things about you guys from the other universe. I've heard we were family, I've heard that I was married to this Castiel guy, I've heard that I was a magic freak, and I've heard some miscellaneous things. So someone, please, tell me at least what happened last night that I don't remember. How did you guys find us, for example?" I looked around, seeing nobody stepping up to answer yet.

They looked up and above me, instead, their eyes focusing on something behind me. I turned around quickly, uncertain of who to expect.

I definitely wasn't expecting Castiel.

I reacted quickly, and automatically reached for my angelic blades. They weren't there, though. They'd been confiscated.

"No." I stepped backwards, right into Sam and Dean. They stayed still, looking at me in confusion.

"Kylie, it's OK." Bobby promised, appearing at my side. "This is their Castiel. This is the one from their side. This is the one that," he stopped, seeing the expression on my face. I was still absolutely terrified. He looked like the same Castiel. He looked like the same person who'd forced me to almost kill Ketch and burn down the building. I could still see the detached and sadistic glee in his eyes. "Look at him, Kylie." Bobby's voice brought me back to the present. "Really look at him. He's not the same. Find the differences."

"Kylie?" Castiel asked. I forced down my panic, trying to do as Bobby asked. This Castiel's voice helped. It was different. It wasn't clipped. It wasn't accented. It wasn't… wasn't wrong. This one was kinder. Smoother. A little deeper. More graveled.

Differences. His hair wasn't as smooth and sleek at the other's had been. His was ruffled. It was just the slightest hint lighter. It was more natural. And his eyes… One of the other Castiel's had been clouded, yet both had been a mixture of tensely maintained cruelty. This Castiel's eyes were softer. They were a light blue, that was clear. They were kinder. One wasn't clouded over. They looked at me with concern.

His outfit was looser, not as precisely picked. His stance was open and relaxed. He held no weapons in his hands, no anger or ill will in his body. His hands rested loosely at his sides. I looked back over at Bobby.

"You promise he's not the same one?" I asked. I had to make sure. Bobby nodded.

"Yeah." He assured me. "He's a whole other guy from a whole other universe."

I turned back to look at Castiel. This was the Castiel I'd known before I forgot. This wasn't the same one that had hurt me. This wasn't the same one that had tortured me. This was a different one. This was one that had gone to save me.

 _I'm coming for you, Kylie._ I could hear him, and just barely see him, in the back of my mind. A different setting, like looking through a window. He looked determined, but for a good reason.

He was supposed to be good.

"You're the good Castiel?" I asked him. He nodded, still unable to take his eyes off of me. "You were there? You…" I thought about his voice again. I recognized it.

He'd been there. He told the cruel Castiel no. He'd tried to stop him.

"You saved me last night." I stated. It wasn't a question necessarily, but he still nodded anyways. "You healed the melted metal from my neck?"

"Yes." His voice sounded a little hoarse as he spoke. "Do… Do you remember anything? Anything about us?"

"You married me." I stated. I saw his eyes light up a little at my words.

"You remember that?" He asked. I shook my head.

"No." His excitement quickly faded. "That's just what I've been told."

I remembered the last time that this was the situation; the last time someone looked at me like they loved me. I remembered watching them die.

I couldn't save those around me the last time that happened. I couldn't even save him.

I couldn't let it happen again.

"It's nice to meet you, Castiel." I said stiffly. "I…" I looked around. People were moving quickly. People were prepping. People were moving. It looked like we were getting ready to move out. "I should go help with some things." I said quickly. I could see someone working on the bus. "Scout ahead. Gather supplies." I looked back at Castiel and saw something on his face disappear; some emotion I couldn't place fell away, and left him with nothing but worry and sadness. "It was nice to meet all of you again." I said quickly, turning to the others. "Still working on remembering the rest of you. All in due time, I suppose."

"Kylie," Bobby tried, but I cut him off quickly.

"I'm going to do some scouting and make sure the perimeter is clear." I said. "Shout when we're ready to roll out."

"You don't even know what the plan is, though," Sam tried from behind me. I turned quickly and shrugged.

"Doesn't matter. Bobby backs it, and I'm pretty certain Mary and Jack do too or else none of this would be happening, so I'm on board. We're leaving to go somewhere. Great. Just let me know when it's time to go." I turned back at Castiel again, and saw the pain in his eyes. I could feel that pain reflected in me.

I couldn't help it. I turned away. "See you guys later." I walked off much too quickly then. I walked until I hit the tree line, then walked a little farther out.

I broke out into a run once I was out of eyesight. I wasn't quite certain where I was running, but I just… I was. I needed to get away, if only for a short while.

 _Kevin's face passed by me. Then Castiel's. It kept switching between the two. They were hopeful. The kept saying they loved me._ I kept running.

 _Kevin's eyes were gone. Castiel's eyes were glassy and hard. He was smiling. His eyes made it garish. I couldn't tell which "he" I was talking about._ I kept running.

 _Kevin's body was burning. He was running behind me. I could almost see it. He wanted to hug me. Castiel had been left behind._ I kept running.

 _I ran into Kevin in front of me. I couldn't hear his voice. I couldn't tell which one he was._ I ran into someone. They let out an exclamation of surprise as we both went crashing to the ground.

"Who in the hell are you?" They asked. Male. Kind of short, but still taller than me. Blonde hair. Not Kevin. I scrambled away quickly, helping them up.

"Who are you?" I asked in response. He stood up beside me and dusted himself off, looking somewhat annoyed at the dirt on his pants.

"I'm Gabriel." He said, moving his eyes from the dirt to look me up and down. His eyes froze on my face. "Oh."

"What do you mean, 'oh?'"

"You're her." He said simply. "You're my in-law."

"In-law?" I didn't understand that phrase.

"You married my little brother, Castiel."

Castiel.

Gabriel was another angel. The other person from the other world.

I dusted myself off quickly. I didn't need to be here. Gabriel would only have more questions. "I should go." I said.

"Where were you running to?" He asked instead.

"Scouting." I lied automatically. "Making sure the perimeter is safe before we head out."

"Uh-huh. Sure." Gabriel said, crossing his arms. "Listen, sister. I know running away when I see it, and the way you were running?" He offered me a small smile. "I've done that enough to recognize it easy-peasy."

"I'm not running away." I tried to argue, but the words fell flat as I said them. Gabriel just kept staring at me, smirking, his arms crossed.

"It's alright." He promised. "I won't tell on you if you won't tell on me."

"What?" I asked.

"I'm running for just a little bit too." He explained. "It used to be my go-to move, and I'm pretty good at it in all honesty. Why fight when escape is so much easier?" His smile broadened a little more. "Places to go, a whole world to see, people to meet and spend some quality time with." He nudged me a little at that. I just stared at him blankly, earning a sigh. "No memory. Right. If it makes you feel any better, we never met before this anyways, so there's nothing to worry about."

"You… You didn't ever meet me before?" I asked. He nodded.

"Never seen you before in my life." He promised. I thought on that for a moment. New slate. Same world I couldn't remember, but a new person. That was…

Refreshing.

"It's nice to meet you then." I said, feeling myself calm down a little. _Never met me. No expectations. New slate. New person._

"Nice to meet you too." He smiled.

"Why are you here?"

"Like I said," he motioned to the forests around us. "I'm toying with the feeling of running away again. I know I'm not going to this time, but," he shrugged. "I had to double check. I had to make sure I wouldn't."

"No. Why… why are you here, in this world?" I asked. "Why come here?"

"Who else were they going to call?" He smiled a little. "Ghostbusters?"

"Huh?" I furrowed my brows. That just made him laugh a little more.

"You," he pointed at my face a little. "You look like him! Before he chilled out." Another laugh, and then it subsided. "Sorry, Castiel, he used to wear that same expression when he didn't get a reference." He paused, thinking. "And now he's going to have to teach you all these cultural references and what's popular and what the word 'yeet' means and everything."

"You're losing me." I said, raising an eyebrow. "What in the hell is a 'yeet'?"

"Don't worry about it." He assured me, calming down from his laughter. "Oh, I needed that for a moment. This… This is nice. It's nice to finally meet you, even if you don't remember much."

"Has Castiel told you a lot about me?"

"No."

"Are you lying?"

"Yeah." Gabriel shrugged. "But I think you've been working hard for a while to try and act like who everyone else is expecting you to act like, and I know that if it was me then I'd be pretty tired of doing that at this point, so I figured you'd like the option to not have that expectation then."

"Huh." I thought on that. He talked a lot. "You've done it too, haven't you? Been forced to play someone you're not."

"I'm doing it right now." He offered. "Playing the role of a hero when I'm not one."

"What are you, then?"

"I," his voice fell a little. "I don't actually know." He shrugged. "I guess right now I'm just here to help."

"OK." I could understand that. I could respect that. "Who do you want to be, then?"

"Someone smart enough to have not come here." He said with a laugh. "Eh, I don't know." He thought a little bit. "I guess being a hero wouldn't be bad. They tend to get the girl, after all. Save the day, receive the praise, get the girl at your feet," he looked off into the distance and shrugged. "I don't know." He repeated. "I just know I want to be done with hiding and running, I guess."

"So why are you running now?" I asked him.

"I could ask you the same thing." He responded, looking back over at me. The way he phrased it told me that he wouldn't answer unless I did; and in all honesty, I actually wanted to answer. Gabriel didn't expect anything from me. Gabriel didn't know me. He… he actually might understand more than Mary or Jack or Bobby would.

"They all know me." I pointed back towards the camp. "A form of me, in one way or the other, from before I came to this world or before I lost my memories. They all know who I don't remember being. I… I don't." I took a small breath. "And they all expect something different out of me, I can see it. I can see they all want something and I don't know how to be who they want." I thought on all those different identities. "Bobby expects me to be the Kylie from this world, even when he knows I'm not. Jack and Mary expect me to be some magic master. Sam and Dean expect me to be whoever they were used to, and Castiel…" The thought of Castiel's expectations frightened me most. "He's expecting me to be his wife, and I don't know how to be his wife. I don't know how to be in love with him. I don't even know how to just look at him normally." I admitted. "I… I know I should know. I know I should remember, and I think I did once," flicks of a dream flew past my head. _I was reaching out, promising I was here. I could just barely make out who I was reaching towards._ "But I don't know now. All I know is that another him almost turned me into a magic puppet."

"The other Castiel." Gabriel said, his voice solemn. I nodded.

"Yeah. He was called in as a specialist to deal with me and Ketch." I said. "He… He could've ordered me to kill Ketch, and I would've had no choice. I almost did." I could still feel it in my hands, the power flowing through that felt so wrong and bad and I couldn't stop it.

"He had a witchcatcher." Gabriel didn't necessarily ask, but I was certain the answer was yes anyways.

"Is that the thing that goes around my neck?" I asked. "With the leather coming off to hold on to?"

"Yeah." Gabriel looked like he didn't know what to say. Hell, I didn't even know what to say. I'd just… Just spilled a lot of what had just happened. And what had just happened was a thing, at least to me. I… I wasn't certain how to process it all yet or deal with it and I kept hearing Kevin screaming in my mind if I tried to push it all out of my head.

"You've gone through a lot." He finally offered. I nodded. "Jesus, you'll probably have to go to some sort of shrink afterwards, but I can't think of one that will actually believe you instead of locking you up. And," Gabriel paused. I could see a new thought in his mind, one that made sense to him. "And we're about to take you to a universe you don't remember the faintest thing about." Another nod.

"All I know is here." I said. "And even though it's been bad and I don't know what to do with all of it still, I know to expect bad. I'm getting better at reacting and dealing with bad. But in the other world, with everyone having these different ideas of who I am and what I do?" I shook my head. "I have an idea on who to be and how to act here." Jack's voice flitted through my mind for a moment, whispering the word react. "I don't know what to do there. I don't know what to do with you all in that other world. And I'm… I'm afraid."

"Afraid to leave or afraid to stay?" He asked. I thought for a moment.

"Both." I decided. "Here I run the risk of being the angel's puppet again. There, I don't know anything."

"Good." Gabriel said encouragingly. I looked up at him in confusion. "If you weren't afraid, I'd be concerned. Fear is good. It keeps you humble."

"So, what do I do?" I asked him.

"Do you want to go back?" He asked. I furrowed my brows again. "To the other world. The non-apocalyptic one." He explained. "You don't necessarily have to go back, if you don't want to."

"I don't?"

"Nope." He said. "If you really want to, you could stay here in War of the Worlds – world, and do whatever it is that you're used to and comfortable with here until the day you die, which in all honesty is probably sooner than later. But still, you could stay." I looked around. I could stay here. I could stay at war every day, running for my life every day, fighting for the little pieces of the world to survive in every day.

I shouldn't want that. That was a crazy thing to want and be OK with doing for the rest of my life.

But even with every terrible and shitty thing that happened – every single little thing that made me wake up almost screaming – it was what I knew. I didn't even know a life before war, in this world or the other. This… This was all I knew.

What if I couldn't do anything in the other world? What if I was useless in the other world, always running and fighting and looking for how to survive? What if I couldn't just… just do what everyone – from this world and the other world – would be able to do and know how to exist in a world that wasn't in a constant state of war and fear?

"Would they let me?" I asked. I didn't have to specify who they were. Gabriel shook his head.

"If they knew, no." He was honest, at least. "Not if you told them."

"And if I just… just didn't go through?" I asked. "What if I just waited until the door back is closed, after everyone else got through?"

"That could work." Gabriel nodded. "Cas would blame himself for the rest of his life, though. He'd think it was his fault you were left behind. Sam and Dean and Jack and the others would do the same on varying degrees, but Cas would never stop blaming himself. He'd do everything he could to get back here and be with you."

"And if I told him I wanted to stay?" I asked.

"He'd respect it." Gabriel said. "And he'd stay here with you. Even if I pulled his lovestruck ass through myself, he'd find a way back here to stay with you; no matter the costs."

"Then I can't stay, can I?" I asked. "Not really. Not without someone getting hurt."

"No, not without someone getting hurt." Gabriel agreed.

"What if I hurt them more by going and not being the person they want me to be?" Kevin's face flashed through my mind again, this time with that look of hurt and pain and betrayal he'd worn before he'd slapped his hand on the sigil in his chest.

"What if you don't?" Gabriel asked in response. That response made me blink, and Kevin disappeared.

I didn't quite know how to respond to that. _What if I don't?_ What if things are fine over there? What if I figure out how to be me there? I'd done it here. What if I could be more than a fighter in a war?

What if I could be all those things people look at me for. Not remember how to be them, but figure them out in my own time at my own pace?

Or what if I could just learn how to be me in the other world?

"And if I go with you all?"

"You won't really know anything." Again, he was honest. "You'll have to learn the different cultural norms and get updated on memes and good TV and movies. It'll be a lot of information to process, and that's just your environment. That doesn't even include the people around you."

"That sounds like a lot."

"It is." He agreed. "But it'll be worth it. You won't have to fight a war every day. You won't have to force yourself to be anyone other than who you want to be. And if you need a break from their expectations," he jerked two thumbs at himself. "I'll be there to pull you out for a short little run."

"You… You will?" I asked.

"Yeah!" He slapped me on the back. "You're, like, my sister-in-law, even if you don't remember it, and I'm going to treat you like family." He was smiling a little bit. "A new sister and a nephew, all in one day. Who would've thought?"

"A nephew?" I asked, confused.

"Yeah," Gabriel reminded me. "Jack."

"Oh." Jack. "Castiel is Jack's father."

"Kind of." Gabriel said. "Adopted dad, technically."

"Who's Jack's father, then?" I asked. A terrible idea hit me. "Is it… Is it Michael?"

"No, no, don't worry." Gabriel assured me. "It's not Michael."

"Then who is it?"

"Um…" He looked uncomfortable at that question.

"That would be me!" A new voice crowed, walking up to us through the trees. We turned to see Castiel, Jack, and a third person I didn't recognize. He was another male, around Castiel's height, and something about him felt… Wrong. I didn't know how to explain it. His hair was short and kind of spikey, and something about the way he was walking… He was too confident.

I had a feeling that would be how I looked if I didn't have fear.

"Kylie." Castiel looked relieved. "We've been looking for you and Gabriel. It's almost time to go."

"Who is that?" I asked, pointing at the third person. Jack offered me a bright smile.

"That's… That's my father." He said. He sounded happy about it. "Lucifer."

The name sent chills through me, and I couldn't quite pinpoint why. "Lucifer?" I asked, making sure.

"Good to see you again, Kylie!" Lucifer cheered, stepping forwards to clap me on the shoulder. Behind him I could see Castiel visibly tense. "Bet this brings back some awkward memories, huh?"

"I, uh…" I backed away, standing just a little behind Gabriel. "I don't remember you."

"Oh." Lucifer looked more relieved than saddened by that. "Oh well. New slate, new start. Probably for the best, anyways."

"Are you alright?" Castiel asked, pushing past Lucifer to stand in front of me. He looked over me, checking for any injuries.

"I'm fine." I promised. "I've just been talking to Gabriel."

"I figured it was about time I met the object of your quest." Gabriel nudged Castiel with his elbow a little, offering him a purposefully-obvious wink. "She's pretty nice. Take good care of her." Gabriel glanced back over at me. "She can take care of herself, no problems, but, you know," he turned back to Castiel, shrugging. "You do the good guy thing too." Gabriel offered a glare at Lucifer before turning to face Jack. "Come on, you two. Let's give them some privacy on our way back." Jack nodded, offering me a thumbs-up as he turned and headed back with Gabriel. Lucifer lingered for just a moment longer, evaluating me for reasons I couldn't understand before he caught up with Jack and Gabriel.

"Are you alright?" Castiel asked again once they were out of earshot.

"I'm fine." I repeated. "Who… Who is Lucifer?" I asked. "I know he's Jack's father, but you're also Jack's father and something about Lucifer feels like…" _Like the other Castiel. Like you were a piece of meat being examined._ "Just bad." I said instead.

"Lucifer is," Castiel took a moment to pause, searching for the right words. "Complicated. He's been our enemy more often than not."

"Like Ketch?" Castiel paused.

"What do you know about him?" Castiel asked. His body was tenser than normal, moving just a little bit to cover me from an imaginary enemy.

"I know that he tried to kill me." I said. "Multiple times. And that I used to want to kill him." Castiel was still tense. "I don't remember it all, really. But that's what he and Mary told me."

"Has he tried to hurt you?" Castiel asked.

"No." I shook my head. "He… He stayed. When I sent Charlie back to Bobby, Ketch moved away on purpose. He stayed with me." Castiel looked conflicted in what to say next.

"Well, Lucifer is worse." He decided to say. "Much worse." He glanced back in the direction the others had gone. "I'll explain it to you later. We need to go."

"OK." I nodded, thinking for a moment. "Wait, where are we going?" Castiel turned back to look at me, a small smile on his face.

"Home." He promised. He said the word like it relieved every burden off of his shoulders.

I heard it like those burdens were being transferred from his shoulders to mine.


	24. Intent in Magic

I rode in the bus with Castiel, Lucifer, Mary, Bobby, and pretty much everyone else that wasn't Dean, Sam, Gabriel, or Jack. They rode ahead in a jeep, leading the way. Lucifer drove the bus.

Lucifer was supposed to be the devil.

There was something oddly ironic about Lucifer being the one driving the bus to what was supposed to be freedom.

Bobby stood in the doorway of the bus, armed and waiting like the rest of us. Castiel and I sat behind Lucifer. Castiel's job was to keep track of him. My job was to keep watch out the window for any oncoming angels and shoot. Mary sat in the back doorway, gun drawn and ready to shoot anything coming from behind. Everyone was nervous. Everyone was tense. Everyone was quiet and waiting for something – anything – to happen.

As we drew closer, Castiel paused for a moment to check on me. "How are you feeling?" He asked. I had a feeling he would be asking that question, or variations of it, a lot.

"Fine." I didn't glance over at him as I spoke. "Tense. Same as everyone else." I kept watch in the skies.

"Do you feel nauseous?" He asked. "Does your head hurt?"

"Not really." I glanced back over at him. He was describing how it had felt when Jack's powers gave me headaches. "Why? Is Jack doing something?"

"What about my boy?" Lucifer asked, casting me a sideways glance.

"Nothing." Me and Castiel said together. Castiel looked back up at me, pursing his lips for a moment in thought.

"Just making sure you're alright." He said, flicking his eyes over at Lucifer. Not in front of him. The meaning was obvious.

"I'm fine." I repeated.

Not long later, we arrived. Bobby got off first, taking a second to examine the situation. At Sam's insistent shouting, though, Bobby turned back to those of us on board. "We need to get off, now. Everyone, unload!"

I hopped out the bus window, landing low and sturdy on the ground so I could take a look myself. That was when I saw it.

The Rift.

The same gold color I kept seeing, just a thin wavering line that was flicking in and out of existence. For a moment, it looked like it was about to fade away completely.

It surged, then, coming back brightly for just a moment before returning to a dim gold state. It was closing.

The Rift was closing.

It was so small, flickering like a dying light. It wouldn't be open much longer. Hell, it shouldn't have lasted as long as it had.

I rubbed my temples as I approached it. My head only hurt a little bit, thankfully. I wasn't certain what I'd do if I collapsed. But that Rift… I don't know how I knew it, but it was going to collapse on itself the second the source on the other side stopped, leaving all of us on this side. That wasn't good. That couldn't happen.

We had to get everyone through to safety.

"Everyone, go! Now!" I shouted quickly. Everyone had filed out of the bus and was just standing there, shell-shocked. Even Ketch and Mary looked concerned and uncertain. "Single file! Go through!"

"We won't fit!" Someone shouted. I fought the urge to find the speaker and hit them.

"Just DO IT!" I screamed. That did the trick. Everyone started filing out, moving quickly towards the Rift.

"You need to get through." Castiel told me urgently, appearing at my side. I ignored him, stalking even closer towards the Rift. He followed me. "You're going through, right?" I didn't say anything. "Kylie, you need to go through!"

"I have to keep this open." I argued. Castiel stopped for a moment, bewildered.

"What?"

"I have to keep this open." I repeated.

"Ignoring the fact that you don't really remember how to use magic," Castiel pointed out. "You physically can't touch it without going through yourself, and more importantly you need to get through."

"Not without everyone else getting through first." I stated, turning around to look at him. "And that includes you, Castiel."

"I'm not leaving without you." He argued. "Not again."

"I'm not leaving anyone behind."

"Then I'll stay with you." Castiel pleaded. "Just… Please, Kylie. Not again. I can't…" He gripped my hand tightly, and in that moment I thought about the choices Gabriel had laid out for me. "I can't lose you." If I stayed… Gabriel was right. I could see it in Castiel's eyes. If I stayed then Castiel wouldn't stop trying to find a way back here to me, even if I was dead. "Not again. Not ever again. Please." He looked into my eyes, searching for something; recognition, love, understanding, something from me. Something from the woman he loved, one that remembered him.

I might've been that woman, but I didn't remember him. I wished I did, but I didn't.

"I love you." He promised. "Please, Kylie."

I don't know what it was, but those words were what did it. In that instant, I felt any idea I might've had to stay crumble into dust. I couldn't hurt him. I couldn't do that to him.

I didn't remember loving him, but I knew in that moment that I cared for him.

"OK." I agreed. "We do this together. But I still have to keep that Rift open." Castiel stared at me incredulously, uncertain of what I was talking about. "I don't know how I know I can, but I can. I had to come through in one of these," I pointed to it. "And I didn't leave it open behind me. I know that. So there had to be a way for me to touch it and manipulate it." I turned back over to look at the Rift. "I… I can do it. I can keep it open."

As I stared at the Rift, I knew I could. I'd reached out and grasped it before and pulled it closed behind me so nobody could follow. I was certain of it. I'd reached out again twice, and stolen just a little bit of power from it. I knew I was right.

I could reach out and hold it open.

I hadn't been bullshitting the angels. I just hadn't realized I could do it either.

I turned back to Castiel. He was staring at me with pain evident on his face, but I knew he could see my resolve. He could see my determination. At the very least, he could see that if I was wrong I'd appear on the other side safe and sound. "I believe in you." He promise. I smiled, taking a deep breath.

"Good. Because I have an idea, but it's insane." I turned back towards the Rift, thinking for just a few moments. It had to stay open. I had to keep it open.

And I knew I could do it. I don't know how, but I knew. I just needed a little boost.

"Jack!" I shouted, turning back towards the others. He ran over quickly. I looked between the two, knowing this would be difficult.

"I can't do it." Jack said immediately. "Kylie, I can't keep something like this open. I don't even know how, and I'm afraid that if I do," he stopped speaking quickly, and I could see fear in his eyes. "I didn't make this one, and I can't control it."

But I can. I'd done it before. I'd used my own power and magic to close it. I'd tied myself to them.

"I have a plan." I promised. "But neither of you are going to like it." They both looked at me hesitantly. I pointed towards the Rift for a moment. "When I get close, I need you to strike at me with your powers, Jack."

"WHAT?!" They both shouted.

"Just do it, OK?" I begged. "I can keep it open. I know I can. I just need a little bit of a boost."

"That's not a 'little bit of a boost!'" Jack argued. "That's hitting you with something that might kill you!"

"It won't." I assured them. "I think… I think I have it figured out."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't have time to explain." In truth, it was still a bit of a mess inside my mind. It was a lot of pieces still slotting into place, but I could guess the picture. I was certain I could. "Just do it, please."

"Kylie," Jack was going to argue, but Castiel cut him off.

"Do it." He said firmly, looking into my eyes. "She can do it."

"How do you know?"

"Because that's my wife." Castiel stated. I smiled a little at that. I had a feeling that kind of trust had been a familiar thing with him. It felt… It felt wonderful. I couldn't help but trust him too. "If she says she can do it, she can."

"Thank you." I leaned forwards to kiss Castiel quickly on the cheek. It was the first time I'd done that, at least that I could remember. I felt better doing that. Castiel looked at me with relief. "I…" I wanted to say I loved him. I don't know why, but I did.

But I couldn't. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. I didn't even remember him.

"I wish I remembered you, Castiel." That was true. That was fair. It might not be right or perfect, but it was more honest than telling a man I didn't even remember that I loved him. "I'm sorry that I don't."

"It's OK." He promised. "We'll have time to talk and sort it out." I nodded once at him, still smiling, before looking back at Jack.

"Are you ready?"

"Not even close." Jack stated plainly.

"Great. Let's do this." I looked back at Castiel one more time, and went for it. I kissed him once, quick and hard on the lips. Castiel recoiled for maybe a second before surging forwards, his hand in my hair and the other squeezing my other hand tightly. We pulled away, looking at each other. I still didn't remember anything. I wished I did, but I didn't.

That was OK. We would have time to talk and sort it out.

Without another word, I ran towards the Rift. Everyone looked at me curiously, but didn't ask as I urged them on. "Go! Go! Get in! Go through! Everybody, get to safety!" I kept shouting as I positioned myself behind the Rift. I took a few quick breaths.

This was crazy.

This was insane.

But I… I could close Rifts. I'd done it before with magic. I'd done it again… I was certain of it. When I crossed over to here, I'd closed the Rift behind me. I'd gripped the edges and pulled it shut.

Why couldn't I hold one open? Just for a few minutes?

I just needed a kickstart, and every time I'd done magic being here, I'd had one.

Jack was tied to these Rifts, just like I was. He didn't know how to control them all either, but he was tied just the same.

I could take power in that.

You've taken angelic power before. A voice whispered in the back of my mind. Why can't you take just a little bit of Nephilim power?

"JACK, NOW!" I shouted. He braced a hand at me and pushed it forwards once.

My reaction was as instantaneous as Jack's power's. I pushed a hand out, and for a moment the world paused around me again. I could see the energy Jack pushed out, rippling around me and through the world behind me. It was fluid, and nearly intangible.

Nearly.

I reached forwards a little more with my outstretched hand, and did the only thing I could think of. I grabbed a tiny bit. It absorbed into my body like a pinprick of gold light, and I felt relaxed; grounded. The magic around me felt more tangible, more real. I reached out with my other hand and did the same, grabbing a larger piece with my hand. I reached out a third time with both hands, pooling and holding as much of the magic around me as I could before pulling it into my chest.

It felt like a shock to the heart, putting me into hyperdrive. The world was slower around me for just a little longer, just long enough for me to see handholds in the Rift. I reached towards it, and on a whim grabbed. The edges were slippery, almost slimy, yet still tangible. I could grip them. I could maneuver them. The entire Rift was slippery and malleable. It was like a river, with two mossy rocks creating a gap in it. I could pull the rocks apart, and there would still be a gap.

So, I pulled it open.

I heard gasps around me as I did. I almost gasped myself. The second I started to pull it open, the river turned into two bright angry tidal waves trying to crash into each other, and I was holding them back with my bare hands. I felt myself break out into a sweat. I couldn't see anything but gold. I couldn't even tell if my eyes were open or closed. But I knew I had to keep concentrating and keep holding this Rift open. If I broke my concentration, I would let it go and it would close.

I had to keep focused.

I had to hold this Rift open. It was the only way everyone would get across safely.

 _"Why are you crying, child?" Castiel's voice. I knew it was Castiel's voice. I couldn't see him, but I could hear him. I could remember hearing him. I could just barely feel the alleyway I was sitting in._

 _"I'm crying because I…" This wasn't what happened the first time. I knew it wasn't. But I kept going. I kept talking to someone that I wasn't even talking to. "Because I can't remember you. I want to remember. I want my life back! I want my memories and my powers and my family!" I felt my hands pull the Rift open just a little bigger as I gritted my teeth. I was crying. I was crying in the memory turned imagination, and I was crying in real life. "I just want t_ o _remember everything again, but I can't remember you and why can't I remember you when I can remember a little bit of everyone else?"_

"Kylie, what's wrong?" Castiel asked beside me. His voice was different. Less ephemeral. Less in my head. More physical and there next to me. He was right beside me. I couldn't answer, though. I had to keep holding the Rift open.

 _"But I did want to see you again." Castiel's voice again. I felt weak. I felt my hands waver for a second. I felt comfort on my back. It was strange._

 _I couldn't see again, but I was certain I knew._

 _"You did!" I told him. "You saw me! You found me! You're the only one that remembers between the two of us! Castiel, please. Please help me remember." I begged._

 _"I don't want to hurt you." The comfort disappeared from my back. "What if I hurt you again?"_

 _"I'm hurting by not knowing!" I shouted, my hands pulling the Rift open a little more. "Every day I hurt because I can't remember a damn thing! All I know is what everyone else tells me. All I know is what they see. I don't know what I thought. I don't know what I saw. I don't know anything and it's killing me!"_

"Kylie, it's alright." Castiel's voice. Reality. I was certain it was reality. "You know what you're doing. You can do this. I'm here for you, Kylie, and I'm not leaving you. You're doing so well. You're doing good."

 _I found strength in my hands, moving them to open the Rift a little more. I was moving someone. I couldn't hear, but I could see. I could see Dean flying back into a bookshelf. The room wasn't one I remembered, but one that felt familiar._

 _There were books everywhere. I was certain of it._

 _The push didn't work the second time._

 _I could see Castiel being pushed into a dark wall. This was a new room. This was a cold room. I was on the ground, I was certain. Castiel landed hard, his eyes closed. I felt fear in my body._

 _I could see myself standing strong, my surroundings amorphous as I kept pushing back against more and more and more people. People I knew. People I didn't. I had to defend myself. I had to keep going. I had to survive._

 _I kept pushing._

I kept holding the Rift open.

 _I saw my hands on a chest. The chest was covered in black goo. I felt scared. I felt desperate. I felt myself breathing quickly and sharply. I felt myself wishing I could pray to someone for help. My hands were glowing white. I couldn't hear, but I could feel and see. I felt like the person under my hands was dying. I felt like nothing I did would ever be enough, but I had to keep trying._

 _I couldn't let them die. I couldn't let it happen. Not after I'd just come back. I kept pushing, but this time it wasn't working. Why wasn't it working?_

 _I looked up at the face of the person and saw it was Castiel. "Why can't I save you?!" I asked. I could feel emotion and pain in my voice. I couldn't hear anything else around me, but I heard my own voice. "I want to save you! I want to remember more! Why can't I do anything?"_

 _Castiel opened his mouth to respond, but all that came out was more black goo._

 _I kept pushing._

I kept pushing. I couldn't hear Castiel's voice, but I could still feel his presence next to me. I could see, but everything was covered in a gold haze. I saw people walking through, some glancing around the Rift to look at me in amazement. More and more and more people went through. They couldn't grasp the Rift like I could, they just went right through the second they reached out. I could hold it, though. I was holding on. I was grasping something in my hand, in a different memory. I…

 _This was the first memory where nothing was missing, save for seeing it through my own eyes. I could see dark forests around me. I could hear crickets and the crunch of grass. Somewhere behind where I stood, I heard metal slam against metal. I could feel the surprising warmth around me. I wasn't in my own body, though. The me in front of me… She was on the ground. She was in pain. She was watching something behind me intently. I turned around and saw the vaguest outlines of a house, with a man walking towards it. I was certain that I would've been able to see it clearer if I could remember it better._

 _"Please live." She said. I turned to watch myself hold a… a phone. A cell phone. The other me pressed a button, her eyes still focused on the house behind me. I could hear the phone ringing. I didn't know who I called, but I knew that I recognized the voice at the time. It was gravelly and concerned. I watched myself ask for help, reaching forwards to grasp her ankle. The person on the phone kept talking. They kept saying my name._

 _I heard a gunshot from the house behind me, and watched as the other me smiled. I could feel the vaguest hints of her thoughts flood through me. I was saved. I'd just saved others. I was good._

 _I was good, wasn't I?_

 _There was another gunshot behind me. The other me let go of her ankle, collapsing to the ground._

 _"Why can't you just call me when something good is happening?" The gravelly voice asked, standing beside me. He was a portly man, with dark hair and a slight amount of beard. We both watched as the other me curled up in a ball on the ground, the phone right next to her._

 _"I don't remember you." I told the man. I knew I should, I could feel it in the back of my mind, I just couldn't reach it._

 _"I feel insulted by that. I thought we'd become besties." He looked over at me, and when he blinked his eyes turned smokey red for a moment. The eyes didn't scare me, though. The closer I looked, the more things I could see within the smoke. Sorrow. Callousness. Caution. Familiarity._

 _He blinked again, and they were back to normal._

 _"Your head isn't quite working right, is it?" He asked. I shook my head, and he sighed. "Always pushing too much." He muttered. "You had a concussion. You broke your ankle." He smirked a little. "Don't worry. I came to save you." At those words, I felt instant fear and regret._

 _"I'm sorry." I said. "I… I didn't save you, did I? When it mattered, I couldn't save you."_

 _"You couldn't have if you wanted to. I made my choice. You know how stubborn I am." I didn't remember that, but I knew he was probably correct. He seemed stubborn. "Besides, I was always the one to save you." We both turned back to watch the other me._

 _"I forgave you." I found myself saying. We both watched the other me, thinking. Something was supposed to happen. Something I didn't remember. I couldn't. I was passed out on the ground right there. "I never said that, did I?" I didn't know if I was talking about the memory or in general, but he did._

 _"I knew it anyways." He stepped forwards to pick her up gently, cradling the other me carefully in his arms. "Never give up, Kylie." He offered me one last look before disappearing._

Someone else was on the other side. They were trying to hold it open too. They weren't Jack. They were someone I didn't remember.

They were so tired, but they were fighting. I could feel it. They were a fighter. She was a fighter. She was fighting for people I didn't know, but I could see their faces in her mind. Sam's face. Dean's face. Gabriel's face. Castiel's face. A man, with a round face and stubble and dark hair. His eyes were just the slightest bit red. It was the same face I'd just seen a moment ago.

 ** _Crowley._**

My face. She was fighting to hold it open, and my face was in her mind. My hair was longer, and my eyes were happier.

My face disappeared, and it circled back around to Sam's face. She kept circling through these faces in her mind as she fought to hold the Rift open.

She had been doing this for too long. She couldn't keep it up. She was too tired, too weak. She was minutes away from burning out.

 _ **It's OK.**_ I urged her gently. I could feel surprise in her mind. _**Let go**_. I felt her mind recede from the Rift, and I was back to being grounded in the world for just a moment. I couldn't see clearly, and every word around me came through severely muffled, but I could feel. I could feel the weight of the edges on either side of me. I could feel the ground solidly beneath my feet. I could feel the comforting warmth of Castiel's body standing behind me. I could feel my hands burning, even. The tidal wave turned into two magnets, desperate to join together and meet up. I was still holding them apart, but just barely.

I could feel the tension in how I kept them apart.

I could feel the fire of their intensity searing itself into my palms.

 _There was fire burning brightly in my hands. Orange and red and yellow fire, not the shimmering nearly-tangible gold. It didn't hurt as much as the Rift did. The fire was comfortable. It had good memories, I could just barely see them. I was pushing too much, the curtains bit the ashes. Jack was pushing too much, I hit whatever a fridge was. We needed control. I needed control._

 _Control._

 _I learned control through fire. Fire in emotions, fire in physicality, fire in intent. I learned to control my intent._

 _Intent._

 _I learned to channel my intent into the world around me. Intent in action. Intent in desire. Intent in purpose. Intent in control._

 _I learned to wield my intent._

 _I learned to control my powers._

 _I had to get myself back under control._

Castiel was talking next to me. I doubted he'd stopped. "And I can't tell you how much I love you. You're amazing for being able to do this. I can't believe you're doing this. I know that it's difficult, but I also know that you can do this." I focused on his words. I needed to stay grounded in this world. I didn't know how much time had gone by. I didn't know what was happening. I could feel other memories, whispers of them, slipping and swimming around in my mind. I could chase them if I wanted, but if I did I would lose track of time again. I didn't know if I could come back. It was so hard to.

I didn't know what would happen if I didn't come back.

I kept listening to Castiel, kept focusing on his voice. I had to speak to him. "How many are left?" I forced the words out through gritted teeth. That was what did it – what grounded me fully in the world. In an instant I was hyper-aware of everything I was doing. I could feel the tears in my eyes. I could feel my feet, one braced behind the other. I could feel the burning of my hands much clearer. I could feel the pain in the rest my body as every part of me trembled in effort. It was like fire was coursing through my insides. I was burning up.

I was going to burn eventually.

I was controlling this fire, but just barely.

"Mary, Bobby, and Charlie just went through." Castiel informed me. "There's just you, me, Dean, Sam, Gabriel, and Lucifer left."

"Good." I didn't even think before the next words came out. "Go through."

"What? No!" As he finished those words, I felt the ground shake underneath me. I faltered for a moment, but I couldn't move my hands from the Rift. It was like I was bound to it, unable to really move from my position. Bits and pieces of memories kept flitting by me, just barely able to understand.

"Go through." I repeated firmly. "Get yourself and the others through." I blinked once, and I couldn't see around me again. I was firmly rooted in the world, fully conscious of myself and what was happening, but all I could see was that same shimmering gold.

Something felt wrong, though. It felt wrong and bad and big.

"You have to go." Castiel said. Something in his voice changed. It was more urgent. It was… It was scared.

He was scared.

"You first." My voice was tense, but it was calm. It was certain.

"Michael is here." The fear and urgency in Castiel's voice was much more pronounced now. He placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing lightly. "Kylie, he can't catch you. You need to go through NOW." I turned to look over at Castiel, and could just barely see him through the gold. He looked scared, turning between me and something off to the side.

"I can't pull away." I whispered. "I can't. If I let go, I don't know what'll happen." You're burning up, Kylie. It's too much power and you're going to burn up inside. It's not a question of if or when; it's a question of whether you implode or explode.

You'd had control of the angelic power you stole. This was like trying to control a hurricane in comparison to a small stream.

"We might all be stranded here." I said instead. Castiel didn't reply. I could feel him thinking. Someone in the distance shouted the word go. "Dean just went through. Gabriel and Lucifer are fighting Michael."

"Get Gabriel and Sam through."

"Not without you." He argued.

"I got this." I promised. "I think… I think I can keep it open from the other side. Just tell me when to let go."

"Alright." Castiel trusted me completely. I could feel it. "I love you, Kylie." I felt those words rolling around through my brain. I felt the comfort of his presence and his hand on my shoulder and I could see the kind smile in his eyes. I could hear my heart start to beat a little faster. I could feel a smile in my mind. I could hear… I could feel… I could see… I could…

 _"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, DAMMIT!" I could hear those words so loudly in my mind, bouncing off the walls endlessly. With each reverberation of Castiel's voice I could… I could see. I could see a room. It was bright. It was warm. It was full of books and couchs and chairs and a table and I was so happy in that room. I could feel the wood floors beneath my feet. I could smell the slightly stuffy books and papers. I could hear the polite quietness of the room._

 _I could see flashes of people – of memories._

 _I saw where Dean hit the books – literally._

 _I saw where Sam sat and rubbed his temples as he looked at books. He was eating a salad._

 _I saw where Kevin and I would lay out and talk. Books and papers were scattered around us. We didn't care. It was break time._

 _I saw where Jack and I would talk. We both had warm, steaming mugs in our hands. I could smell chocolate. Jack was happier after talking._

 _I saw where Crowley sat, a glass of liquor in his hand. We were both somewhat helpless in the situation. We were both sarcastic. He looked more than a little embarrassed._

 _I saw myself in this room with people I didn't know the names of. We were all talking. We were all thinking. We were all strategizing. We were all hoping and pleading we weren't doomed, but we couldn't pray because God was screwed too._

 _I saw Castiel._

 _All the different people and memories and thoughts I could only catch the barest edges of froze when I saw Castiel. He stood just a few feet away from me, expectant and smiling. "Hello."_

 _"Hey." I thought for a moment. I wasn't certain what to say. "This isn't a memory, is it?"_

 _"Not quite."_

 _"Why?"_

 _"There are too many of them." He explained. "Some of them good," as he spoke, he looked off to the side. We were both curled up on a couch. I was starting to fall asleep against his chest. He was comfortable and awake and looking at me. "Some of them bad," I looked over to the other side. Castiel was sitting at the big table in a red hoodie. He was looking at me like he'd just made the biggest mistake of his life. "And some of them just… memories." I looked forwards, and he was standing right in front of me. Castiel reached forwards to grasp my hands lightly._

 _"Are you here to help me remember them all?" I asked. He shook his head._

 _"No." He admitted. "If you remembered that much all at once your mind wouldn't be able to undertake it all. You're barely able to keep yourself together as it is. You have to take these memories in slowly."_

 _"How long will it be until I remember everything again?"_

 _"I don't know."_

 _"What if I never get them all back?" From the look on his face, I could see that was a possibility too. I looked around the library, and saw it flicker for a moment. Bits and pieces of gold were creeping in. My hands… I looked down, and saw I wasn't holding Castiel's anymore. I was holding someone else's hands. They were smaller, thinner, more feminine. They were coated in gold. I looked back up, and Castiel was replaced by my own self, coated in gold and shimmering so bright. She had longer hair, darker hair with streaks of red and purple coursing through it. Her clothes were darker too, but neater at the same time._

 _She smiled at me, offering me a kind and understanding look. "I'm working on that." She promised._

I blinked again, and all I could see in my hands was the line of gold I was holding open.

I could hear people gasp my name. I could feel wood floors beneath my feet and smell old papers and sweaty people. I could feel the change in the air on my skin, from an outdoor breeze and clouded sunlight to a circulating airflow and light from… from lightbulbs. That was the word, lightbulbs.

The Rift shuddered a little under my hands, and a presence was beside me a second later. "I'm here, Kylie. I'm here." Castiel. He sounded relieved. His hands weren't in mine, but he was right there beside me. There was another shudder, followed by someone saying Sam's name in relief. "You can let go now, Kylie." Castiel urged. "You can do it. We're all here. We're safe. You're safe. Let go." I felt hands on my shoulders. Not Castiel's, but someone else. They pulled the Rift magic out from me, through me, and began pulling me away softly.

"Close it." Jack ordered quietly.

"What if I don't know how?" I asked. I could almost hear Jack smiling a little.

"You know how. Intent."

Intent.

I felt the Rift soften with my intent, turning into a malleable force. Closing the Rift was easy. It wanted to be closed. It wanted to be done. I pulled my hands together, waiting until I felt the edges stick to each other and disappear. Jack kept his hands on my shoulders as he pulled his own power - power that I'd stolen for just a moment - out of me.

Jack looked around. This... this wasn't the Bunker. Where he was now was a small wooden room, with walls made of logs and a couch and table before him. Kylie wasn't in front of him anymore. His hands were still out, as though they were supposed to be on her shoulders, but they dropped limply when he realized she was no longer in front of him.

Where was he?

Where was Kylie?


	25. Reconnecting Magic and Memories

"Kylie?" Jack asked, looking around. This place was new. It had wooden walls, with an open window beside him. The curtains on either side flickered between three different patterns.

Outside, there was bits of forest that stopped at a gigantic wall. It was tall stone, the cracks lined with gold. There were a few holes here and there that peered out, and on the other side Jack could see a pair of hands slowly bringing the Rift together.

They were Kylie's hands.

"Kylie!" Jack shouted. The wooden space became a little clearer. There was a small kitchen behind him, and in front of him was a couch and a table. A wooden bookshelf was on the other side of it, with a chess set sitting on top. There was a small mirror in the back with a sink, and two doors on either side of it.

"Jack?" Kylie's voice sprung out from the left door. She came out looking excited and… Different. Her hair was darker, a dark dyed color with red and purple streaks intermixed. It was longer, too, like when he'd first met her. She was dressed differently too. Her clothes were a little nicer and sharper. They were darker colors too; a darker purple shirt with a black… was that a skirt? Yeah, it was a skirt. And her shoes were sleek and black as well.

She was dressed much nicer than he was used to, but she also looked more comfortable. She looked excited. She was actually, genuinely smiling at him. Not a polite smile, or one to make him feel better. It was one that portrayed real excitement.

She ran towards him, encapsulating him the biggest hug she'd ever given him. "Jack!" She exclaimed. "You're here! I'm so happy to see you!"

"Kylie?" Jack asked again. "You… I…" He pulled away from her, taking a breath. "I don't understand this." He admitted. "Where are we?"

"Oh, that's easy." She smiled, motioning to the outside. "We're in a part of my subconscious. I've been stuck here for a while." She let out a large sigh. "I've been in here alone, and acutely aware of it, for months."

"Months?" He asked. "But… But you're," he glanced back over at the wall, and could see her hands coming a little closer outside once more. "We're in the Bunker."

"We are." She agreed. "But we're also in my mind." She tapped a finger to her forehead for emphasis.

"I'm lost." He admitted. Kylie laughed a little, shaking her head.

"It is a little confusing." She admitted. "Here, hold on, let me explain," she waved a hand off to the side, and one of the books on the bookshelf floated calmly to her hand. Jack just stared at it, absolutely bewildered.

"You can do magic?!" He asked. Kylie nodded, giving him a look he could only describe as conveying the word duh.

"I'm a natural-born witch." She pointed out. "Of course I can."

"But you've been having difficulties with anything involving magic."

"Out there, yes." She agreed. "But in here?" She smiled, and Jack watched as she floated off the ground. She crossed her legs, and the book opened in front of her. A nod to the side and a mug of hot tea floated over for her to sip at. "I found it, Jack. I found my magic again."

"That's great!" Jack agreed, his voice strained. "But why are we inside your brain?"

"You started removing the magic I stole from you." Kylie started to explain, the book being replaced with a notebook. It flipped open in front of Jack for him to see calculations and notes. He'd poured over Kylie's notebooks before, but what he was reading here… This was new. This was brand new. "You're intending to remove all of it. Good call, too. I grabbed way too much out there to overcompensate, and at the rate I'm moving at in power usage I'm set to either explode or just completely shut down, so… thanks." The notebook closed and Jack looked back up at her. She floated back down to the ground with ease and stood. "But you didn't realize that you'd already left a small amount of magic in me."

"I did?" He asked. She nodded. "When?"

"When we first met."

"When we first met?" Jack asked, racking his brain. He remembered meeting her in that jail cell, but before then…

"I was dying on the ground." Kylie clarified. The second she said the words, Jack remembered it. He remembered seeing her on the ground, injuries appearing almost at random to him. He'd remembered seeing her face in Castiel's mind, and seeing how much he cared about her. He… He didn't want to let her die. His father, Castiel, wouldn't want that.

So Jack had just thought about saving her, and she was fine.

"I did something." Jack said. Kylie nodded. "I don't really know what I did, though."

"You built that." Kylie pointed at the wall outside.

"I built that?!" Jack said the words as though they were impossible.

"Yes." She said. "You saved me, and just let your magic react however it needed to. So you did that because you didn't know what else."

"I just wanted you to stop hurting." Jack said. Kylie shrugged.

"And I did." She concluded. "Kind of. Mostly. Physically, I did."

"OK." Jack's brows furrowed. "What about your magic? You can use it here?"

"I found it here, behind the wall." She said.

"And how did you get here?"

"Think about it." Kylie raised an eyebrow at Jack, and for a moment he could imagine what she was like before, well… Him. Before he put this wall up. Before she became the person he knew now.

When she was happier.

"Think about what?"

"Right now, out there," she pointed out the window again. "What are the two things I can't do very well?"

"Magic." Jack stated the first one with ease. "But it looked like you're figuring it out with this."

"We'll get to that part. What's the other thing?" Jack furrowed his brows again, thinking. What wasn't she doing very well? She'd been an admittedly driven soldier out there, striving to survive and do what she was needed to do, even if she didn't remember who she was.

She didn't remember.

But in here, she'd remembered how they met.

"You," Jack said the words uncertainly. "You remember everything." She nodded, excitement once again coloring her face.

"I remember how to do magic. I remember my past. I remember all my favorite songs and how I met everyone and I have those memories along with those that are happening out there." She explained. "And every time that me out there that doesn't remember anything gets a memory back, it's me."

"Huh?"

"I keep splitting into two parts." She summed. "It happens frequently, whenever I'm almost dead. I always thought it was a split between a desire to live and an acceptance with death. But it was more than that." She grasped his hands, still smiling brightly. "It was magic. My magic, trying to keep me alive. I've been trying to re-connect the me out there with the me in here, connect my physical presence with the rest of my magic and memories."

"But I put up a wall." Jack said.

"Yes." She said. "You put up the wall, and you saved my life. My powers had turned toxic on me. I'd accepted I was going to die in a spell, pushed that idea unintentionally into the intent of the spell, and," she shrugged. "It happened. My magic started to kill me. But when you put that wall up, it was like putting a cone around my powers to stop them from biting at me." Jack nodded. He felt like he kind of understood so far. "But it's still your powers that you used, your magic wall. In turn, if you do magic, I get headaches. That was the part of you that you placed in me trying to return back to you. Your powers want to be whole again too, and you stashed a little bit in me." She shook her head, smiling. "Magic wants magic. Your magic wanted to be a part of itself again and mine wanted freedom. The more of yours I took in, the more it acted like a sedative on my magic and kind of eased off the need to be re-connected. Channeling it back out into the world eased it even more because it pushed it back out where it belonged, which was mostly not in me." She motioned to herself.

"So, I did this." Jack said. "And… and I can take it down. If having all of this inside of you is hurting you and killing you, then I can fix it and take it down."

"Good!" She cheered. A shadow flickered across her eyes, though.

"What?" Jack asked. "What's wrong?"

"It's just that…" She let out a sigh. "I don't know what will happen."

"Huh?"

"I've been studying this wall since I've been here, along with everything else." She said. "It's been a part of me for so long, I've grown accustomed to it both in here and out there. I've adjusted and adapted and become dependent on it, in a magic sense." A small look of concern passed over her eyes. "You don't want to know how long it took on my end in here to get my magic out of the 'destroy Kylie, it's her will' stage. The wall helped make sure it didn't actually destroy me. But by tearing it down it'll be like taking an addict's drugs and making them quit cold turkey, except with results that could be much more drastic than withdrawal. I," she stopped, and Jack could almost see her brain stopping for a moment as it came to a result. "I honestly don't know what will happen if you tear it all down. I have multiple different theories," more notebooks floated to her side. "I could go catatonic. I could spontaneously combust, which will happen anyways if we don't get your power out of me," she mused. "I could have a psychotic break. I could lose any memories left in with me for good. Or I could theoretically just be fine and call it good." She shrugged. "But I don't know. What I do know is that the second that's gone," she shook her head. "Any connection I had to the Rifts are gone."

"How?"

"They were born from you." She said. "It was your powers that made it possible, your powers that knocked over the first domino in this sequence. It's tied to you, and the second I stepped in to use my magic and close it I tied myself in too."

"You tied yourself to that?" Jack confirmed, pointing once more outside.

"Not intentionally." She admitted. "I should've died when it happened the first time and I closed it, that was my intent, but he tried to cheat the spell." A sadder smile crossed her features. "He… He changed the spell slightly. Just enough to cheat it, but the spell didn't want to be cheated. It was supposed to destroy me to close it, and keep it closed."

"Who is he?"

"Crowley." Kylie waved a hand to the side, and a little photo appeared. It was Kylie with a man Jack didn't recognize. He was portly and wore a black suit. He and Kylie were sitting at a bar, drinks in hand, smiling for whomever was taking the photo. For a moment, the man's eyes changed to a solid red. "The photo is fake. It's a memory I made a snapshot of for here." She explained.

"You were friends with a demon?" Jack asked.

"Yup." The photo disappeared as though it never existed.

"Well, I don't know who Crowley is beyond that," Jack said. "But I'm glad he changed the spell on you."

"Yeah." She said hollowly. "I hope he is too." She stared not at the wall out this window this time, but at the flickering curtains instead. They caught fire, surprising Jack and sending him back towards Kylie. She just laughed a little, putting her hand into the fire directly. A moment later it was absorbed into her, and the curtains looked as though nothing happened.

"So, what do we do now?" Jack asked. At those words, the world around them shook. More pieces of the wall began to fall now, much more rapidly. Her hands out there, closing the Rift, were almost together. "Kylie, what do I do?"

"I don't know." She admitted.

"What?"

"I don't know!" She exclaimed. "I… I don't want to die." She said. "I know I'm the magic and memories part taken consciousness, not the full her, and maybe if I was put together and complete instead of this split in two shit I would have different thoughts but right now all I know is that _I don't want to die._ " She looked frantic for just a minute before pulling herself together. "Not this time."

"Good." Jack agreed. "Not dying is a good start."

"But I want to be back out there and complete." She continued. "And if that wall comes down, I don't quite know what'll happen but I know that the odds are against me. I won't ever be me again. That's why I'm trying to break through slowly, but your magic," she pointed at him. "Yours makes it difficult. I get my best breakthroughs when we're channeling your magic out of me, but all of it at once?" She shook her head. "Worst. Idea. Ever."

"Then what do we do?" He asked again.

"Magic withdrawal will kill me." She muttered, thinking fast. Notebooks and things were flying around her. "I'd need time to stabilize again and get my magic back to a sort of stasis where it works without needing your magic or angelic grace or anything else other than me." She was thinking more. "It could kill me. Not a guarantee, it could." Jack could see a thought cross her mind. "Dying could work." She said.

"What?!" Jack exclaimed.

"It's a thought!" She said. "I don't want to die, but if I do," she motioned back outside. "That goes away. It's not meant to last in a dead body. In death, you're just you within your memories. I'd still be dead, though." More thinking. A new thought.

This time from Jack.

"What if you did it?" Jack asked.

"What if I did what?"

"What if you put up your own wall?" He asked. "To keep out my magic and to keep the bad affects of taking it away from your physical body?" He could see her mind racing, thinking it all out. "And then you can control it from here, slowly repairing yourself until it's OK to break it down yourself."

"I…" She was still thinking. She was thinking hard. Notebooks and spell books flew around and in front of her, opening to different pages and closing. One notebook had a pen in front of it and was writing down something. "That would work." She said. There was another rumble, and as Jack looked down he could see himself starting to glow. Kylie looked back up at him, her face pale.

"You need to get out of here." She said. "We gotta finish this."

"Wait, are you sure it'll work?" He asked. She nodded.

"It's your idea, man." She said with a smile. "And it's a genius one." He watched as she moved to stand in front of the window. She waved her hand across, and the glass burst in front of them. With the barrier removed, streams of gold began to move from the wall towards Jack directly. "When I tell you, take in the rest and get out of my brain. Tell me that the only way to get back my memories is to study magic. It's the best way to reconnect everything on my end."

"Kylie," Jack turned to look at her, and he realized he was at a loss. "Wait."

"No time."

"But," Kylie gripped his arm tightly, looking back over at him. "I…" He had things he wanted to say. He'd never seen her like this before, and it was… It made him happy to see, but at the same time sad to know that it was his fault he had never seen this. Even if it was unintentional, it was still on him.

"Hey," she said. She was smiling at him. "Don't worry. You can tell me everything you want to tell me back out there." She laughed a little. "I'll actually remember it there."

"I'm sorry I did this to you." He said.

"If you hadn't, I'd be dead." She replied. "Don't apologize for saving my life." She hugged him quickly. "Be safe."

"You too." There was still a lot more that Jack wanted to say, but she was right, they didn't have time.

He could tell her back out there. It might help connect her back to herself.

"One." Kylie said. She kept one hand on his arm, and the other was raised out towards the wall. "Two." He could see a shimmer of a new wall beginning to form, just an outline in place of the crumbling remains of the one he was tearing down. He heard Kylie let out a breath.

"See you on the other side." She said.

Jack propelled himself back into his body, bringing every bit of power he'd left in Kylie with him.


	26. Castiel and Kylie

I woke up feeling tired and sore. It was… Things were different. Things were off.

I sat up slow to examine my surroundings. I was in a room. It was an odd mixture of browns. I was sitting in a… not a cot. Bigger than that. _A bed._ There were pillows behind me. In the room there was a mirror, some wooden boxes with what appeared to be shelves that pulled out. _Drawers. A dresser was the big one._ _The other one was a nightstand_. It was smaller. There was a light next to me too. _A lamp_. There were two doors. One led to what appeared to be another room, the other appeared to go outside. _The other door goes to a bathroom._

There was a chair off to the corner. It had a backpack in it. Red, with a red leaf outlined in white on it. _Canadian bag. Go USA._

On an impulse, I opened the drawers next to me, in the nightstand. There was a picture inside, and two angelic blades. _Your blades._ I picked up the picture instead. It was of me and Castiel. We were smiling. We looked happy.

 _You were happy._

I looked back at the top of the nightstand. There was food there. Some toast, and a glass of water.

 _Power snack. Good for when you overreach._

I felt my stomach rumble as I looked at it. Food was good. Food was needed right now. I polished off the toast quickly. The water was gone, next. It was only after I finished eating, though, that I heard people talking. I didn't recognize all the voices. I recognized some of them, though. They were loud and happy.

They're celebrating.

I was sitting up straight in the bed. I turned my body over, throwing my legs over the side to touch the floor. _Wood floors._ I'd remembered these. I'd remembered standing on them and being screamed at, but it was good screaming.

There was a knock at the door. Quiet knock. Polite knock. Someone who was aware I had been in here, but probably wasn't certain if I was awake.

I didn't say anything, but I stood up to go to the door. I hesitated once I reached the door, though. I didn't know who was on the other side. I…

I was on the other side. Were they from this side? Were they from the other? Would they expect me to know things about this side?

If I opened this door, could I keep it open?

I took a deep breath before going for the handle. I was being stupid. I was reading too much into this. It was just someone knocking at my door.

I opened it and saw nobody. "Hello?" I called out. My voice was a little hoarse, but it was audible.

I heard footsteps stop, and start coming my way. When I peeked out, I saw Castiel walking towards me. "I'm sorry." He apologized quickly. "I thought you might still be sleeping."

"No. I'm awake." I confirmed. Then I thought for a moment. "I'm awake, right? I…" I looked around again. _Hallway. Safehouse. Bunker._ "We made it, right? We made it out?" Home.

"Gabriel and Lucifer didn't make it." He said honestly. "But everyone else is here. You got us out."

"Oh." I looked down at my hands again, and for a moment saw them covered in a bright gold shine. It was gone as quickly as I saw it, though, leaving me with… Burnt and scarred hands? I looked up at Castiel, confused.

"I healed it as best I could." He promised. "Jack helped too. This was the best that either of us could get to."

"Oh." I looked at my hands again. "And… The power I used… Jack?" It was a bit fuzzy in my mind still. Something about magic and him was lingering in my brain.

"Jack will probably be able to explain it better than I can." Castiel said. "But that can wait. The important thing is that we're safe. You…" I looked back up at him. He was staring at me. It was that look like I was important to him. "You're safe, Kylie." He promised. "You're safe."

"Safe." I repeated. He nodded. "OK. We're safe." I thought on that for a little bit. I still didn't remember much. I remembered everything from when I'd been in the other world; my whole life had been dedicated to running and hiding and fighting and trying to achieve safety. All I knew was trying to get to this point right here, and never being certain as to whether or not we'd actually get to this point. "What do we do now?" I asked.

"What do you want to do?" Castiel asked in turn.

"I…" I wasn't certain. "I don't know."

"Do you remember anything, being here?" He asked. I shook my head.

"Not right now. Just a few words here and there." I admitted. "I… I don't remember anything about us by being here, if that's what you're looking for." That was true. I didn't remember anything here.

But earlier… When I'd been holding open the Rift…

"That's alright." Castiel promised. "They'll come back, bit by bit."

"You asked me why I was crying." I said instead. Castiel looked confused.

"You're not crying." He said.

"No, not now. Earlier." I had heard a memory. I had felt it. He had been there. "Earlier - earlier. _'Why are you crying, child?'_ " I was reaching for another memory. I couldn't tell if it was a memory or not, but it was something. "You wanted to see me again. You saw me. I was there. I was always there. You were there too." It was confusing. I wasn't making any sense, and I knew it. I looked up at Castiel, and saw him piecing together a few things himself.

"I asked you why you were crying when we first met." He said slowly. "You… You remember that?"

"I was alone and scared. I was sitting on cold concrete." I said. "You were there. I… I didn't believe you were there. And then later, you said you wanted to come find me. You found me." I pushed my hands to my head.

"If the memories hurt you, you don't have to keep trying." Castiel said quickly. I shook my head.

"No, I'm fine. I'm just trying to remember more." I said, tapping my forehead lightly. I closed my eyes, doing my best to focus. They were there, the memories. I could feel them just slipping and sliding out of reach. I grasped the smallest bit more of this one, focusing on it. "You… You gave me food. A sandwich. And," I felt another one sliding by. I snagged a glimpse of it. "There was a road. A different time. I was hurt, bad. There were bright lights," and the screeching of car tires on asphalt, struggling to stop in time. There was rain spattering around. "And Sam and Dean. In their car. You had me wrapped in your jacket." I opened my eyes. My head was starting to hurt, the pain growing rapidly.

Castiel, to his credit, noticed my discomfort immediately. "Too much." He decided, helping bring me back over to the bed I'd been on. "You pushed too much."

"I have a feeling I do that a lot." I muttered, pressing my palms back into my forehead. Maybe if I push back hard enough it'll push the pain away.

Castiel laid a hand on the back of my head, his fingers threading through my hair. The pain receded until there was only a dull ache left. "That's all I can do." He muttered. I looked back up at him, grateful.

"Thanks." We stayed like that for a minute. The touch was admittedly nice and comfortable. His hands were light, and warm.

He moved first, wrapping his arms tightly around me in a hug. "I missed you." He said simply. "Kylie, I can't begin to tell you how much I missed you. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I wish I had gotten there sooner."

"It's not your fault, Castiel." I promised.

"It isn't a question of fault." He responded. "It's just… Just that I missed you." I took a breath, letting myself calm down.

 _It's not Kevin._ I reminded myself. _It's OK. You're safe. Everyone is safe._

I leaned in a little more and hugged him back. "I'm glad I get to meet you again." I responded. He laughed a little against me, and I smiled.

We stayed like that for an uncertain amount of time, only pulling away when a voice cleared its throat at the door. Looking up, I saw Sam, Dean, Mary, Jack, and Bobby in the doorway.

"Everything alright, kiddo?" Bobby asked. I nodded.

"Yeah." I promised. I looked over at Castiel. "Just… Just talking."

"OK." He smiled. "Well, whenever you two are done, we're having a bit of a party out in the main room."

"A party?" Mary offered me a smile at that words.

"We're celebrating." She explained. "Everyone made it back. We're safe."

That word again, _safe_. We were safe. But not everyone had made it. Gabriel hadn't, and I felt awful about that. I couldn't have waited any longer to save him, but still… I wished I had.

And from the look on Jack's face, the loss of his father, Lucifer, was hitting him as well.

"Almost everyone." I said. We all sombered for a moment, all of us probably envisioning different faces of people we wished were here with us. There were too many that we'd lost, too many that hadn't made it to safety.

But there was also a lot that had made it, and that was something to be proud of.

"We're going back." Bobby promised me. "Once we've got a plan of attack formed, we're going back to get everyone else out."

"We'll go back?" I asked. I could feel Castiel tense beside me at that thought. Bobby saw it too, and cast a glance over at the angel.

"Those who want to go back and help are more than welcome." He amended. "But a lot of people have also been through, well," he shrugged. "A lot. So if anyone doesn't want to go back, then that's alright too. I understand that."

Even if he wasn't saying it, I understood what Bobby meant. If I didn't want to go back with him, and wanted to get my life figured out here first instead, then I could. I could, and he wouldn't hold it against me.

"OK." I said. Nothing committal on my end. In all honesty, I wanted the time to think. I wanted the time to figure things out and go from there.

I just wanted a chance to figure out the world here. I'd agreed to come instead of staying behind originally. I… I had to see it through. I had to figure it out.

"If you're feeling up to it, we'd love to have you out partying with us." Dean invited. Sam nodded behind him.

"You closed the door and stuck Michael back there." He agreed. "Hell, you kept the door open long enough for us to get through. A lot of people would probably love to see you."

"They," I could feel concern in my voice. "They're not scared of me? They don't think it's bad that I'm a witch?"

"You kidding me?" Bobby laughed. "You saved them. You," he pointed at me. "Did that. Nobody has a bad thing they could possibly say about you."

"Wow." I thought on that, glancing back over at Jack. They'd all accepted him, and even revered him, for everything he could do and everything he was. It may not have been that way at first, but he'd proven himself over and over again. Everyone respected him.

He looked back over at me and offered a small nod.

"It's OK." He agreed. "They're all excited."

"OK." I looked back at Castiel. "I… I think I'll come out in a moment. I think," I glanced back over at the others. "I think I need to talk some things out with Castiel first."

Everyone nodded, and left one by one from the doorway until it was only me and Castiel again. He moved a small amount away from me, giving us both the room to look at each other easily. We both just st there for a few moments, looking at each other and thinking.

"You feel overwhelmed." He stated, watching my facial expressions.

"Yes." I admitted, letting out a sigh. The second that was out in the open, it was as though this barrier in my mouth had been washed away for words to flow through. "About everything. I don't remember much at all about my life in this world, or about you," I felt bad at saying that, but glancing up at him told me that he was OK with those words. "Or about memes or culture or what to do or how to act or where anything is, and I could keep going on and on and on about the different things in this world I don't know or understand but the fact of the matter is simply that I just don't know anything about this world. All I know and remember is surviving in the other one." I looked over at Castiel, and he just nodded in understanding. His nod encouraged me to keep going. "And you and Sam and Dean and Mary and Jack and Bobby have all had these preconceived ideas about who I am and who I was before I forgot everything, and I've had enough time around Bobby and Jack and Mary for them to get more used to who I am like this. But Dean and Sam and you haven't. And I know that here, I," I glanced down at the ring on my hand.

That stopped me from speaking, and all I could imagine for a few more minutes was Kevin's face. I didn't even know if I could tell Castiel that, much less if I should.

Castiel grasped the hand with the ring on it lightly, bringing my thoughts back to my present. "We're married." He said simply. I nodded, gulping a little.

"Yeah." I said. "I'm married here."

"You were married in the other world, too." Castiel added.

"How did you know?"

"I guessed." He admitted. "And I'm guessing it wasn't to me."

"No."

"Did you meet them?"

"I did."

"May I ask who it was?"

"Kevin." His name felt heavy in my mouth. "He and the me from the other world got married, and were married for a long time. Bobby told me all about it. Then I died there, and Kevin went to work for the angels."

"Jack told me about the sigil."

"I saw your face when he did it." I added. "I don't know why, but I did. I saw your face while I was stopping the sigil from killing me."

"Kylie," Castiel interrupted politely. "I don't want you to think that you have to be my wife here." He said. "I know you don't remember being married to me, and I understand that after everything you've been through the thought of having a husband again can be terrifying." I nodded.

"I don't want you to die too." I said. "And I don't want to hurt you by pretending I'm someone I don't know how to be."

"And I don't want to ask you to be that person." He said. I watched him furrow his brows for a minute. "No. That's a lie, and I'm sorry. In all honesty, I do want to have you back and all your memories there and for us to go right back to being together again, but I know that that won't be the case. So I'm not going to ask." He smiled a little. "Instead, I just want to know what you want to do."

"What I want to do?" I asked. He nodded.

"Do you want to just be friends? Do you want some time or space away from me to adjust here?" At that last sentence, I saw his stance change. It wasn't an option he liked, but it was one he would respect. "Whatever it is you want, I support you."

"I don't want you to go," I started. I watched him relax. "But you're right, the idea of you as my husband and me having to act like that terrifies me. And if you need space as well because I'm not acting like the person you want me to be, then I understand that as well. I'd rather you take the time and space versus wanting me to go back to someone I don't know how to be. But I'd like to just get to know you." I finally said. "I don't know if that will entail anything romantic, and I can't promise that. But I do know that I'd like to form memories with you, and learn who you are and how I fit in alongside you." I watched as a smile formed back on his face.

"I'm not leaving you for anything." He promised. "And I can do that. Friends?" He asked. I nodded.

"Friends." I agreed. I could feel a small nagging thought in my mind. "For now." I added.

"For now?"

"I'd like to see how things go." I repeated. "And… If I find that I develop feelings for you, but there's no guarantee again that that will happen," I put my hands up at that, but I could still see Castiel's smile growing. "But if it does, then," I took a deep breath. "Then I wouldn't mind exploring that as well."

"That will be entirely your choice." He promised. I let out a sigh of relief, leaning over to hug him.

"Thank you, Castiel." I felt more relaxed after those words. It was like… It was like the fears of what happened with Kevin repeating itself had washed away, if only for a moment. Castiel wasn't Kevin, Castiel was different. He was here. He was understanding. He cared about me and wanted to give me the chance to figure it out on my own.

"Can I ask a favor?" Castiel asked. I pulled away to nod a yes at him. "Will you call me Cas?"

"Cas?"

"It's a nickname." He explained. "Sam and Dean and everyone else use it. Castiel feels too formal for," he paused for just a minute. "For a friend to use."

"Friends." I agreed, smiling. I glanced down, and saw the ring on my finger glinting accusingly. "Oh, uh," I saw Castiel follow my gaze, and before I could say anything he clasped his hands around mine.

"Keep it." He requested. "Not because I expect anything, or because I'm pushing you to be someone you do not remember being. Just to remember."

"Remember what?"

"That if and when you choose to pursue something between us again," he let go of my hand. "I'm not going anywhere."

I looked at it again, and this time it appeared less accusing and more… relaxed. Like the ring was mine and was supposed to stick around with me.

I felt a little bit of a happy warmth inside my chest. Castiel – Cas – was different from Kevin. He was different. I could do this.

I didn't feel scared about this.

"Thank you."

We stayed like that for a while, me hugging him softly and him keeping a single arm wrapped loosely around my shoulders. It was nice. It was comforting.

It actually felt like it was OK to believe I was safe here, like this. How could something so simple and so honest not be OK?


End file.
